Oops!

When you're too old or too new you just can't quite fit in or be found. No point in searching again. This actually has a whole lot of advantages when you think about it. I'm driving an invisible car, I'm under the radar, they can't see me or find me or trace me. I'm outside of the system. Whilst neither comfortable or uncomfortable with this I say flick the lot of you; marketing people, Scalextric salesmen and auto grifters everywhere. I cannot be discovered, patronized or bought and your only response is Oops? 

N.B. This does not seem to apply to speed cameras.

P.S. As you advance in years it is a good idea to keep some body space(s) clear for a wayward tattoo of some sort. Perhaps in the slot where a risky mole used to be?

Tree

Sometimes just a simple, well placed word for guidance or information can make all the difference to your enjoyment of a woodland walk. I was unable to enjoy this woodland walk however as it didn't actually happen. What did happen was that a small, hopefully non-aggressive mole was removed from my back in a way and using techniques I can only imagine. A person's back is pretty much unexplored territory unless you have some kind of complex mirror arrangement at home (we do not). So it remains a mystery and an enigma but I am assured the mole has departed. Uprooted like some tired and unwanted tree. There may be a photo or two to prove this.

South Queensferry Daily Photo

Rainy doorway of the day.

 

Yes it chose to rain as I stepped out earlier to buy a birthday card at Maisies' Gift Shop. The rain painting the town a nice shade of sparkling grey and revitalizing gardens and rose beds and my few remaining hair follicles. I walked in a circular route but pretended to be heading in a straight line in order to fool the public. Eventually I reached my destination before moving onwards and homewards where I realized that I'd never really left at all because I was back where I started and it was the rain that was moving all the time because it was now elsewhere and I was not.

Plant Life

Bearing witness to the complexities of climate change, a solitary indoor orange tree contemplates her uncertain future.

"Being rooted in Scotland, with it's unpredictable weather patterns, unseasonal shifts in temperatures and rainfall there is always the prospect of risk, adversity and leaf drop. Experts say that the waters will rise in our lifetimes, pouring their brown silty contents into craft and card shops, fast food takeaways and fashionable small brewery outlets on the coast. When this begins the prices of oranges will rocket, even if they are available in shops on import, and birthday and goodwill cards will simply become unavailable (unless you're handy with paper and colours and can make them up yourself). So the future is looking bleak for those of us trying to make a small scale mark in the local citrus fruit industry. I am considering making a new start on the Iberian Peninsula if I can attract a willing sponsor."

Escaping the Fray

Oh, give me land, lots of land* under starry skies above

Don't fence me in

Let me ride through the wide open country that I love

Don't fence me in

Let me be by myself** in the evenin' breeze

And listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees

Send me off forever but I ask you please

Don't fence me in***.

*Preferably with planning permission and development potential of some sort.

**Never knowingly using the same photograph twice.

***Whether it's Rwanda or Risley, putting people behind fences doesn't work.

Antonio Pinto de Carvalho

Some eBay lurking recently got me this odd little guitar that's manufactured in sunny Portugal. A possible bargain at £35 in an auction. They retail for around £300 here and there so I thought it was a steal. It's fairly solidly built, nice binding and well finished, a but a bit tight and not particularly easy or smooth to play. Maybe better suited to slide and open tunings. The company make a wide range of stringed instruments, some high end Spanish and Classical guitars as well as a few steel strung guitars so they know what they're doing and it's nice to have something at this price point that's not Chinese or Korean. 

Doctor Doughnut

I'm not the theatrical type, I don't particularly enjoy over egged or over rated performances but I like the doughnuts. Of course this theatre whilst remaining slightly absurd is fairly realistic. A production cycle made transparent and (spoiler alert) a lot of dough and doughnuts don't make it to the end and remain embedded in the floor.  There also are some housekeeping issues but I'll just leave that here. The high price of fame, hot fat and excess sugar is obvious. In the end it's pretty much another sweet little story of no actual consequence.

Mint & Clissy

 

Cats have no respect for the individual's personal space or for the space shared on some kind of limited, partly negotiated and informal basis. They don't care. They do as they please. We just look on at the unbalanced relationship, tottering and creaking in all it's curious glory.

Late Friday

Friday comes but once a week and if the weather is fine then the grass can be cut, the cat litter tray can be cleaned out and various patches of interior painting touched up. Then trim away at some rogue plants and iron a few shirts. I also reminded myself that I'm still not at all a competent slide guitar player despite occasional bursts of trying followed by sustained periods of giving up on it all together. Thankfully that little spurt of enthusiasm didn't last too long. Perhaps my hand is too unsteady or my eyesight too weak to connect correctly with the slide, strings and fret board and actually create a pleasant musical sound. Then there's the wonky brain problems ... and I can't actually find my proper slide.

Plant a Tree

 

To everyone who is cool enough to be planting a tree because it's the done thing: For every cola bottle you buy we'll plant a tree, for every ton of wood pulp your corporation uses we'll plant another, for every Multi Launch Rocket System we manufacture we'll plant a dozen trees. For every £1.82 litre of petrol you pump we'll reanimate a dinosaur and promise to nuke all future comets of a certain size that might threaten the earth. Get two meal deals from Tim Horton's and we'll plant a tree and create a unicorn from spare genetic materials we found in the lab on an old petri dish.

Le Mans

The strange art world of the bold comic stripper. Where reality meets nothing in particular but still constructs colourful vistas and situations you might like to explore or even live in, unless that is it's already occupied by super hero types who clearly would be the worst of noisy and aggressive neighbours. This depiction is clearly focused on the rain, sweat and desperation of a full 24 hour road race many years ago. Everyone is busy. I like the drafting but this one panel is enough. I lack the concentration to read and study any more of it. I'm also worried that I may stumble upon some dark matter, hidden there in plain sight.

Nobody's Life is that Perfect

Let's celebrate those glossy, happy lives, carefree and fulfilled. Existence without blemish, argument or passion. All across the internet and in the media. You can find them there. Happy multicultural, financially independent, healthy families pose for the camera, smug that their good looks, smart choices and purchasing power have got them ... somewhere sunny. It's a good thing I'm not bitter and twisted. I just wish for perfect white teeth, straight and true with meadow sweet breath 24/7 - and sunglasses that I can avoid sitting on accidentally.

Nostalgia Circus

I woke this morning thinking I could see Whitney Houston in the curtain design. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. People don't normally appear to me from within a curtain. Perhaps it's just a hangover from the Jubilee events, most of which I tactically avoided. Too painful, too cringe worthy, too royal for my liking. The general public lapping it all up, waving to holograms, shuffling along to Elton John, eating red, white and blue sponge cake. Growing old in this country appears to involve joining up in some garish nostalgia circus. 

It's not a road I want to explore. I can't celebrate greed, inherited and meaningless power, dumb people promoted to "royal highness" and the celebrity flotsam and jetsam that follows in their wake. Gongs, medals and titles are everything to them it seems and you pay it back with all of your wrinkled dignity. Cliff, Rod and Brian May. I hope I die before I get that kind of recognition.

Scotch Eggs

 

Some sound advice I'd like to have received about 40 years ago. It also applies to sausage rolls. Maybe even to all types of cooked meat products but depending on the supplier and your own taste and texture likes and dislikes, to some extent. Then again sometimes a cheap amplifier produces the best tones. In life all rules are likely to be a bit elastic, nothing is ever 100% true or untrue. Except for this series of blog posts. Absolutely. 

Platinum Jubilee AI

Ach, just wheesht. Sometimes I wish I could care but not very often: I have no time for the detached, greedy, self serving monster that is the British Royal cabal. There's nothing about the institution and the dysfunctional royal Windsor family, with it's snobbery and corruption that's worth celebrating. I'm not even an old punk either (too old to be an old punk).

Wherever We Are

"Wherever we may be and despite being lost for a time, I'm pretty sure that by now we must be very close to the treasure. That is according to my calculations and the sweet scent of success carried upon the four winds. Modern maps don't lie as a rule but they can be misunderstood."

Johnny Loco

I saw my first Johnny Loco bike the other day. Parked up by a coffee shop that was selling Portuguese cakes and the like. Nothing odd there I suppose. Of course the name Johnny Loco meant very little to me but then I did what we all do and googled them. They do fancy bikes, bike parts, eye wear (glasses) and watches. Lifestyle items I guess. Do people still like/buy/use watches? I know in my soul that I'm too old and too uncool to carry off using such products and I'm happy that it hardly bothers me.

Koln Daily Photo

 

Koln, a wonderful city with a crazy mixture of buildings, lanes and streets, vehicles and graffiti. Above is some anti-Nazi street art inspired by the events that took place here on Kristallnacht in 1938.

Lost bike.

Music from the big pink.

Some buildings just defy description.

Heavy Ice Cream

I'm in an ice cream shop*. The ice cream is normal but their process isn't. Once you've chosen a tub or a cone or whatever then they put your ice cream on a special scale and weigh it. Unfortunately the special ice cream scales were playing up and required regular rebooting. During the rebooting the ice cream was temporarily returned to the freezer to preserve it's very nature. 

Once the scales were up and running the ice cream was weighed and a price decided (by the machine). If ever there was an unnecessary process in retail this is it. What could be simpler than selling ice cream? 

Now it's technically dependent on a dodgy system and with only a few grams either way it makes little sense. The ice cream was nice but the desire to over complicate the sale had me baffled. Also amid this technological breakthrough in frozen dessert retailing, I was surprised to find that their till was cash only.

*I know that the photo isn't actually of ice cream, it isn't even an ice lolly but it was on the wall of the shop.

SQ Compass Daily Photo

 

The north is never too far away. Most of the time it's over there somewhere. This also applies to the other compass points. I'm not sure how accurate this painted, hand crafted and static compass is but it's well enough executed anyway, sitting as it does in a car park adjacent to the various bridges we have here. I'm sure tourists and vandals alike will find it quite attractive. I hope it survives the ravages of the summer.