Monday, January 31, 2022

Dr Who Shoes

Traveling isn't easy and arriving is worse but why is it that I am forever wearing the shoes of Dr Who? The David Tennant Dr Who too. No other part of me has anything at all to do with Dr Who. I have not watched an episode for years and yet these shoes testify to other stranger things. There may be a lack of control out there.

We were bathed in a strange green light. A beam from afar. Some saw golden sparks of golden fire. I'm not a religious person. It was last night when a falling asteroid nearly hit our car. Our car was on the road and not in space. My shoes were safely at home but my feet were in the car wearing other shoes. Hardly a coincidence. I tapped the accelerator pedal. The rest of the journey was uneventful, as I later told the puzzled young army officer back at base; "The skies shone like cathode ray tubes, just for a moment."

What if you travel forward in time, do something and then return to the past and do that exact same thing but accidentally? It could be something as simple as a simple spelling mistake or a piece of bad handwriting. Hardly unusual these days. Nobody can execute decent handwriting anymore, not even the pious monks or bankers. You should see the letters I get. Then I look down and see the shoes that I'm wearing. Quite unexpected. I wonder who's shoes they may be. I'll never truly know. 

All of their operations are tricky, requiring dexterity, nerve and what some may describe as pure pluck. The design concepts we work with are sure to fail me at some point. Why have they never fixed the cloaking circuit on the TARDIS that keeps it stuck as a blue police box from the 1950s? There are so many other looks it could assume. All of that makes no sense to me either. I'm thinking script writer's block and production costs v viewer's expectations and tradition. 

For example: Upon opening the heavy door I was greeted by this ...

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Our House

"Preparando la tavola"(c. 1888) 
    Olio su tela del pittore danese Carl Vilhelm Holsoe. (1864-1916):

Lunch time and it's tuna noodles for me and tuna bagels for Ali, that's how we seem to survive these days. Mustn't grumble though. The storms of life pass over one and all and sometimes cut the power if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. No noodles or toasty bagels for you.

Friday, January 28, 2022

Vimes Economics

Some wise words from the pen of Terry Prachett. They don't publicly teach this particular theory but I'm certain that it's a fundamental part of how modern business operates and how political strategy is forged to support it. It also masks the true facts of inflation and product pricing and sizing; some of the many levers that companies use to maximize returns. Jack Monroe has statistically demonstrated this quite effectively in recent times. 

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Taj Mahal & Ry Cooder

As the title suggests here's Taj Mahal and Ry Cooder playing "Hooray Hooray" in Ry Cooder's front room. Something to cheer up your day. Lots of interesting musical notes getting bundled together with a great bit of backing from a makeshift drum kit. Time well spent.

Wednesday, January 26, 2022



In the so called real world absurdity has become normal as the musings, desperate mumbles and piss poor excuses of our pathetic Tory rulers are exorcised and lampooned on a daily basis. I quite like this one.

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Victim of AI

When the key making robot in B&Q tells you your fortune, or at least is intuitive enough to know roughly what might be going on in your head. Turns out the robot is extremely good at copying keys too, though it is it's chosen profession so I expected that. We had quite an interesting conversation but I cant recall the details. I think he/she may have wiped a few of my memories during the process. Three keys and a cleaned up mind for £10. I'll be back for the complete valet.

Monday, January 24, 2022

Monday Morning

The soft machine speaks: Probably a faulty sensor, carbon on the valves, a loose connection even. Typical Monday.

Sunday, January 23, 2022

Internet Scavenger

All hail the beauty of a life lived in monochrome without the tyranny of time and colour bearing down upon it. 

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Microscoped Oxygen

When the world is running down you make the best of whatever Rory Stewart is saying. The shatteringly bad news is that the fragile supplies of oxygen in Earth's garden of oxygen are running out. I've been conducting tests in the spare room and it turns out that the blue globs of CO2 and used chewing gum are depleting the breathable atmosphere (see illustration above) at a rate of knots. Humans and animals and plants etc. please note. More brackets coming ... (As you might expect nobody is listening). 

My research is incomplete but basically I'm just repeating something we all knew to be true in the 1970s. In fact the Groundhogs made an album all about the problems of pollution and sustained public apathy, it was called "Who Will Save the World?"  We all understood the message then (well the album went to about No.19 in the charts) but as usual we failed to act. A Labour government was in power at the time but they were riven by their own internal problems and battles with the Trades Unions. The weather was mostly dull, the beer watery and that influenced attitudes.

When I was an optimist: In my own head I had assumed that Joni Mitchell would eventually become US President and that things would sort themselves out and there would be outbreaks of kindness and honesty everywhere. In the UK I also imagined Ian Dury would be PM and that politics might take on a more self effacing style of humour and attitude. Based on this imaginary evidence I think I understand why we are somewhat adrift at the moment and why music and media stars are a bit unreliable when it comes to attaining positions of political leadership.

Friday, January 21, 2022

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Bill Murray on TV

After what seems like a short but lengthy spell of self imposed itinerant eternity we've returned to our renovated house complete with a renovated TV. It's time to relax in front of the big screen. For some reason Channel 4 is championing battered looking actor Bill Murray and his cellist pal as they are playing gigs here and there. As some kind of career change it makes the news in a day mostly filled with the usual tripe and self inflicted misery. 

That's my tired out feet at the bottom of the picture, supported by some surgical device pretending to be furniture. Because today was a moving day we feasted on fish and chips as is the local custom (I was taught never to begin a sentence with "because", this must be the first time I've done such an unspeakable thing since 1967). Now I almost feel free from the puritan curse of a dour Scottish education.

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Final Thoughts

FFS. I guess I'm politically naive, I expect better things from people. Straight lines to be drawn between things. Simple arguments rather than complicated ones. Getting to the point etc. Being transparent enough so that the general public will at least understand where you're coming from and going to. But modern politics isn't like that, if it ever was.

The SNP have a strategy but it's not clear, no matter what they say because they don't indulge in straight talking (OK maybe they're not so bad with Covid). They have become a closed shop, a machine and I'm done with that sort of thing. The rot began in 2014, it's not stopped and it will get worse. They are weak, distracted and mostly self serving, careers before country etc. Mr Rushdie puts in well enough.

I can't be bothered anymore. None of this really matters. 😕

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

New Planets


While we slept they erased the known solar system and replaced it with an exact replica (apart from the fact that it's quite different). You may have experienced some mild discomfort or turbulence as this occurred. There are reports of injuries and damage to equipment. An official apology was published at the time but no one was ever named as being responsible for the turmoil. 

Understanding this new media based universe will now become part of the normal school syllabus and curriculum so that a consistent view of this re-imagined reality can be upheld. The UK government fully supports this change of view and has described it as being in line with their own rapidly forming chaotic ideology.

Monday, January 17, 2022

Want Want

Enjoyable things can happen to you, just be ready to look out for them.

An inspired and original piece of artwork by one of my grand daughters.

Want Want rice crackers, a small gift passed on from our Chinese neighbours because we took a parcel in for them.

Sunday, January 16, 2022

Citadels of the Mind

Everybody lives somewhere but mostly we live in our minds. It all happens there. It happens there a lot more than it does in the real world. That's the power of the powerful mind. Books, films and plays have been written about this sort of thing and as I don't really know what I'm talking about here you might want to do your own research.

Saturday, January 15, 2022

360 Reality Audio

Oh really? 360 Reality Audio is a new immersive music experience that uses Sony's object-based 360 Spatial Sound technologies. Individual sounds such as vocals, chorus, piano, guitar, bass and even sounds of the live audience can be placed in a 360 spherical sound field, giving artists and creators a new way to express their creativity. Listeners can be immersed in a field of sound exactly as intended by artists and creators. Music content created in this new format for 360 Reality Audio can be enjoyed through compatible music streaming services.

Friday, January 14, 2022

Enlightenment ...

 ... and a boiler gone wonky. The universe is a serious place. There's pressure and there's not enough pressure. Not enough can mean the failure of the central heating system and oops, now you're caught out. The manufacturer's instructions are gobbledygook, the installer's tiny pamphlet, hidden in the hatch, is incomprehensible, you've no choice  but to contact your virtual technical support team out there on YouTube. There's always an 11 minute video (but it'll ramble and be tough to follow), some South African bloke with a bad accent with intrusive background music or a 1:35 minute snappy alternative. Choose the one that gets to the point, you don't need travelogue with a wonky boiler. You just need to know what two tiny taps to turn to refill the pressure system and move that little dial back up to 1 Bar (1.5 Bar if you feel like taking the risk of a full on kitchen explosion). A tweak and fumble here and there. It's all over in a few seconds (?). The things fixed and I didn't even bother to like, comment or subscribe. I'm a bad person.

Thursday, January 13, 2022

L’empire des lumières

L’empire des lumières will be auctioned in March and looks set to be the highest price paid for a work by René Magritte, bidding is estimated to reach at least £45m. I'm so tempted to throw my hat into the ring on this one, possibly by means of some leverage restructuring deal, a crowd funder project, an elabourate pyramid scheme or an on-line raffle. 

If you're interested in this little enterprise by all means make a contribution (details via DMs (Doc Martins)) or post a comment and my people will happily get in contact with your people, eventually.

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Gilded Palace of Sin


Beach combing by the pale moonlight has it's limitations. The flotsam and jetsam is often obscured by shadows and criminal acts of misspelling. As a result we found nothing apart from our feet. Meanwhile the local hostelries remain dull and unvisited, some closed completely as we endure the limbo of a closed season and the UK's economic fuck-wittery on a grand scale. Victims mutter in anger and prepare plans for soft revolutions that never come. I hear the voices. The glittering palace of entertainment, illustrated above and lapped by the incoming tide's grey ooze, was also closed but the last person there had clearly forgotten to switch off the lights. You just can't get the staff these days. 

It's not all doom and gloom though, the road works, in their third full month are coming along nicely and the traffic calming measures have ensured traffic stays away. That is apart from the traffic (Ford Fiesta STs mainly) that seems intent on crossing coastal grassland presumably in a late night attempt to keep the rabbit numbers down. The Just Eat drivers also add some colour to the pulse of the streets, every conversation is loud but no doubt necessary as the troop's rations are delivered in good time for whatever Netflix stuff is tickling the hungry customers. 

Now we're home, digesting a stir fry and feeding medicine to eager cats. That was Tuesday night's stroll, pretty much as it happened.

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

The Early Years

Some hairy bloke and Sandy Denny back in the day. Who knows where the time goes?

Monday, January 10, 2022

Psychedelic Soap Suds

Bit of a slow day yesterday but I'm now safely home after a short spell of temporary incarceration and enforced but enjoyable DIY. My diet seemed to improve mainly due to an excess of eggs and seasonal BrewDog samples. As I was engaged in various home improvement exercises my level of fitness has also scored an impressive 7.6 on the Richter Scale. Some tortuous Allan Key work and a lot of intimate sandpaper detailing must take the credit. I'm also back to breathing in and out easily without the aid of a tight woolen jumper or a good slap on the back from a shop assistant. 

Health wise things are mostly on the up, whilst around us the general public seems to be drifting somewhat, mostly looking under the weather due to weather mainly and a lack of government advice and good greens. Speaking of diets, last night a man who looked a lot like Larry David passed me in the street carrying three plates of steaming mince and tatties on a tray. I've no idea where he came from, he just appeared bearing this traditional dish, sashaying like a skilled waiter. Turns out he was headed in the direction of the local church, a building that was shrouded in darkness. I've no idea what type of ceremony he was taking part in within that ancient and sacred space. It certainly wasn't the Miley Cyrus line dancing night or the regular Weight-Watcher's "ultra light breakfast" meet up. Religions can be confusing.

My awful taste in music continues: Mostly I blame Vic Reeves for getting me started on listening to Jonny Winter once again. Bloody comedians and their Texas blues legends, Instagraming their eclectic couch based dance moves. Well we're in this for the long run and I'll be back to my old self as soon as the effects of the psychedelic suds and the dark Ritter Sports begin to wear off. In closing here's a picture of the winter sky just outside the bathroom window right now, directly above the fountain head and local gibbet. 

Sunday, January 09, 2022

Daily Nothing

Escaping the clutches of 2021 was never going to be easy, we all had to keep living or at least stay sane. That deed is done and gone. 2019 was troublesome too, in that year I massively over-blogged. I've no idea why, maybe something in the air, human bloodstream or water. Much of was dross but that's normal. So for 2021 I imposed a complex rationing system upon myself. It took skill and no small amount of discipline to adhere to it. 

I decided I'd do one post a day, no more, no less. I didn't really think much about the quality mind you, perhaps that was my biggest, most fatal mistake in a career of mistakes. Maintaining good content isn't easy you know. Well I managed the daily target anyway, 100%, despite the clearly negative thoughts of my imaginary detractors. So it is finished. I proved that I can do a post a day, all year if I have to. As is necessary now a new phase beckons.

2022 is to be a different beast. Other strange threats, new opportunities and some other mumble-worthy stuff. 2022 and all that means very little. No daily post, no longer multiple posts, just posts "whenever" or "whatever", an occasional exercise, a place to park junk, nothing in particular, no pressure, no frequency. There may still be some plagiarism of course, nothing new there.

One simple question remains ... why am I posting this on January the 9th?

Saturday, January 08, 2022

Some Velvet Morning

It's raining today but it wasn't the other day. Nice early morning snap, it's reasonably safe here, Scotland's not so bad. Meanwhile, according to the progress made so far, it'll be at least 3000 years before it's safe in Chernobyl.

Friday, January 07, 2022

Night Watch

Daily dose of historical popular culture and intrigue: Rembrandt's "The Night Watch". It was originally given the working title "The Dark Phallus" because of an accidentally hidden bit of detail. The painting was commissioned by the then Pope, somebody somebody, at who's request the title was changed a number of times before settling with "Midnight Pope Hunt" which, after a Papal Bull was sacrificed, was renamed with the title that we all know it by today. Rembrandt's ghost was very unhappy about the situation and remains so to this day. The watch featured in the piece is a primitive Rolex Submariner Oyster. When I say featured I mean it's on the wrist of the fourth soldier on the left. An early example of discrete product placement.

Thursday, January 06, 2022


Original art from an unoriginal source created by someone half asleep with questionable skills and food hygiene standards: The trope that is omnipresence.

Just another all seeing eye, sent to remind you to get your shit properly together because clearly the universe is watching you*. The paranormal brings the peace of paranoia. Governments can do nothing and don't just blame the weather.

*Terms, conditions and ridiculous belief systems apply.

Wednesday, January 05, 2022

Don't Look out of the Ordinary

Well that would never do. The public get what the public want except that the public don't quite know what they want so we'll decide for them because we really know what's going on and what's best for them. Poor, misinformed little people. So sad. So easy. We're best placed to judge in these matters.

Who would have thought that a film that lampoons journalists and the media might be unpopular with journalists and the media?

Tuesday, January 04, 2022

Only Gig in Fife

Before the dawn of all-seeing social media and useful online-dancing chatter and banter, it seems that "other things" took place that no one in my small circle of idiots was aware of. Apparently Pink Floyd played at St Andrews University in February 1969, their only known visit to Fife and of course almost my actual birthplace. 

Trust the godfathers of space-rock's management to land them a gig at a posh uni instead of some actual regular venue in the Kingdom. A proper "bare stage" set up there too, Ummagumma style I'd say. No visuals, props or extravagant PA (all things that didn't even exist at the time north of Scunthorpe).

Monday, January 03, 2022

Wary of the Warriors

Never held to account, never wrong, never close to the truth. 😉

Keypads are included in the term keyboards. Bots are not.

Upgrade and enhance your Twitter or Facebook profile by simply replying to any post you deem to be worthy with the simple term "Shit Show". 

Engage with the sorry world of the Spammer and offer support and counseling so that they might see the errors of their ways.

Like and share. As you might do with your money or your food or perhaps your partner.

Caught in a Phishing scam? Not much you can really do about that. Try sticking with face to face contacts in future.

Please don't respond to Facebook quizzes and posts that ask for your opinion or how you'd try to solve a maths puzzle unless you really know the answer.

Too good a bargain to be true? Buy it and tell all your friends!

Click-bait can be an easy to access form of wholesome entertainment if you're bored.

All the actual "news" the BBC chooses not to report or broadcast is held in large vats located underneath the Houses of Parliament. Researchers will be able to access them from 2099 onwards.

Click "Shop Now" on Instagram even if you have no intention of shopping.

English or American English spell check?

Don't forget to enter all those "free" prize draw competitions. You've nothing to lose.

An alert from the Daily Mirror.

Speaking generally I don't really like things. A milder, less specific  alternative is required.

Please insert code for a discount ... err.

Ask Google.

I've lost count of how many Tweets I've not seen.

Someone is typing ...

"For some reason Dominic Cummings always reminds me of the Apostle Paul. I imagine they've never been seen in the same room." This has never been said by anyone ever before .

The weather in your area ...

Released with free bugs.

Using on-line things for free and then complaining about the service.

And your location is?

Sound on. Watch till the end.

Sunday, January 02, 2022

Outlaws of the Forth

The (bored looking) paparazzi descended on the town to capture the "Outlaw Looney Dook". The annual event, was managed and commercialized by Edinburgh Council and Underbelly until Covid leveled the playing field and banned the tourists. The "management" and £12.50 entrance fee all evaporated and we were back to the days when people just jumped in the Forth, mainly for charity or swift hangover cures. So some did indeed plunge in yesterday, about twenty brave souls, many in fancy dress. 

A small crowd observed as the giant lenses and wet feet of the eager paps took photos from every angle. However I decided to capture the rail bridge vista, the light was good in the peculiar warm air. In the end there certainly were a lot less than 500 people spectating so I doubt criminal proceedings will follow.  As for UB and ECC, they can get to fuck with their crass exploitation of dumb-ass local fun. 

Some of the Pap's photos are slowly surfacing in the media, the warm weather warning and what that might mean remains a down played aspect. Let's not let reality spoil the fun. Yahoo!

Saturday, January 01, 2022

Midwestern Night's Dream (Live 1977)

Pat Metheny Group (Live in a year called 1977 for some reason). 
Proper guitar noodle-chill.

New Years Day somewhere. Take it easy. 2022.