Monday, December 05, 2005


Sleep Techniques

Two major sleep induction techniques currently prevail within our household. The “paddle your fluffy canoe into the oncoming mist” (PyourC) method and “explore the forest until you find a suitable dark cave and then go inside” (EtheF). Of the two PyourC seems the most successful, not only does this method work quickly, it is highly adaptable and can be used in a number of locations and situations:

a) When horizontal.
b) When in a moving (safely driven) car.
c) When on a train.
d) Possibly after partaking of one bottle of red wine or any combination of gin and champagne.

Basically the individual puts themselves into some appropriate position from which the PyourC can be used. Once in this position a deep and satisfying sleep generally follows.

EtheF is more complex and relies upon a series of seemingly insignificant tasks being carried out within the forest. These amounts to simple exercises of exploration, some map imagining, avoiding wild animals, some orientation by sunlight or moonlight and of course looking out for caves. Caves can take time to find, particularly if the forest is thick, or flat or there are none of the right type of caves (deep and dark) about (terrain problems. Too much time searching for a cave can cause a mild sense of panic and worthlessness in the individual and that can make the search all the more tricky. When this happens a sound sleep can be hard to come by and the individual may begin to feel angry and frustrated. Don’t give way to these feelings, persist and sleep will follow eventually – on finding the cave naturally. If a good cave is found quickly, simply enter, allow the dark of the inner cave to envelope you and in no time you will be asleep.

Other sleep induction methods exist and depending on circumstances will work equally well:

1. Strange Hotel. This only works if you have drunk and eaten a great deal and are somewhere in the Midlands. A feeling of unfamiliarity is brought on by a number of powerful intoxicant drinks, some disorientation and the sound of an expelair humming in the background, these all generally assist. Some golden car park lighting or disturbing noises may also help.

2. Sexed out. A heavy feeling of fatigue, exhaustion, warmth and smugness overcomes the individual. In some ways this is a rapid or express version of PyourC.

3. Jetlag. Not a popular method as it can creep up on you at anytime after a long flight (or even during one). Usually a pain in the neck develops if not used horizontally, Jetlag sleep does not last long as a rule.

4. IanM. “In a Meeting” rarely happens; when it does it can be both disastrous and embarrassing. Best kept to be used in the cinema (as a variation) or possibly when watching a long special edition DVD in a friend’s home after a Chinese meal.

5. Coma. Usually self inflicted and can be brought on by the sum of all the sleep methods kicking in simultaneously. Best not sought after as it can be dangerous, it relies upon a series of unfortunate and tiring events running on together over a long period and finally ending as if a Boeing 737 had hit a concrete bunker (which happened to be flying in the opposite direction).

6. Artic. Pretend to be an Artic fox snuggled in a snowdrift deep in the cold wilderness. A strange feeling of mixed chill and warmth descend and overcomes you. A nice warm hot water bottle also helps set the scene. Also helpful and recommended is eating a small imaginary seal or polar bear pup early in the Artic experience.

7. Horlicks. A subtle variation on Artic, in this scenario the location is not important and the imaginary seal or polar bear consumption is replaced by a real cup of Horlicks taken prior to going to bed.

Please feel free to experiment in the privacy of your own home with all or any of these suggested methods. The list is not exhaustive. Bon voyage.

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