Friday, November 08, 2019

Existential torture

I don't recall you lending me one of those limited edition 20s.

It's that moment when you're opening up Wikipedia because you want to check something but suddenly cant remember the name of the person, place, band, movie or whatever. Seconds before it was there, right in the centre of the brain, now it's slid across and over some brain-juice Niagara Falls, over the edge to be lost forever in the foam. I tell myself it's like a filing system, some light, easy prods with blunt thought muscles will find the path, over there, scattered with rose petals and rice. Simply follow the trail and the singing pixie's ethereal voice, you'll get to it. Hitting yourself on the head with a house brick might also work but I don't recommend that.

I imagine tiny files sorting themselves out like Windows 95 used to look, I see them swirl and rotate, the slow reveal is coming along, any moment, that name's going to pop out soon in neon lights with trumpets. Ten minutes later I've forgotten what I forgot. Some folks say the problem is the threshold moment, as you cross from one room to another or head upstairs then you mind does a quick flip and the details are gone. Mine tends to do more of a factory reset. How did I get this beautiful house and this beautiful wife? What have I done? These are not the files you're looking for. Really, if you have to lose something, lose in the gap between the driver's seat of your car and the handbrake. Existential torture of course. You then know exactly where it is, you just cant get in there and get it back.

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