I wish

I wish that I'd have been part of this fabulously patronising "No" campaign mailshot. Surely the most over egged and puerile example of the school of "we know best and do what yer feckin' telt." Best left there then. Of course another excuse for a rant are those pesky, sunny afternoon, pleasure sucking wasps that live nowhere and inhabit everywhere. I've reached the point when I can no longer see them as grumpy bees with other Tshirts on or with a hangover. Now they just seem like the Devil's spawn sent hot and angry over the border to destabilise the otherwise peaceful and relaxed parts of Scotland. A cold beer in peace is a thing of the past/pest. Pest infestation promoted by the good and anxious people of Better Together.

Thought for the minute

'Good men and bad men alike are capable of weakness. The difference is simply that a bad man will be proud all his life of one good deed - while an honest man is hardly aware of his good acts, but remembers a single sin for years on end. '

New breeks

The politicians we get are not the politicians we deserve. Paul Simon was right; “a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest...lah lah lah”. From that I take the scores and the opinions as being pretty meaningless over the so called Salmond and Darling “debating” effort last night, it wasn’t impressive, in fact it was embarrassing, cringe worthy even. Really they should just have had a punch up or a good scuffle, now that might generate proper interest, even put some passion into the fray – there is a great swathe of dopey indifference out there despite whatever high levels of  “engagement” Wee Eck might like to prattle on about. It all proves once again that being Scottish is, as was famously said in Trainspotting “shite” and the full, unfunny, unlovable televised circus isn’t a good advertisement for Scotland.

Meanwhile on the sidelines the Twitter frenzy was as bad, the punch drunk critics cheering on whatever bully boy seemed to be on top of the mire for a few lucid seconds. Nukes, oil, money, NHS, big bad business and toffs made headlines like failing soap stars out on the sauce with no proper answers ever appearing in the land of the outraged sound bite. Meanwhile on TV the two champions stuttered on as if in some  woolly pub argument without the alcohol, the humour, the wit or the swearing, chasing each other around the snug. No clever one-liners just relentless wagging fingers, crowing, cackling, shrill laughing and courtship displays of awkward body language and posturing. It confirmed what I already knew, neither of these guys have it nor have they any of the answers despite their experience and lofty status. You wouldn’t really want them coming round for the evening unless strong drink was involved. It really is just all sound and fury (of a kind) that doesn’t add up to much and signifies even less. I felt sorry for the poor BBC guy; a useless playground referee, no red cards or warnings, no positive intervention and no goals scored.

I do wonder quite what happens in the brains of politicians, how they must check themselves constantly as if their flies were open to the world, nervous and worried about any slip or double meaning, any unintended compliment or just sliding too far on some point or stance and so headed fatally off message and into the frequently mis-quoted world of shocking media headlines. If this is democracy in action then…there must be something else out there that works better. My simple take on this; do I want my life and my country to be ruled by either of these two unfortunates (and their obnoxious cronies)? Not really, count me out. (YES!).

Dawn of the moleskin trousers: In other news I’ve discovered the world’s best trousers - M&S Moleskins. I feel sad that so many moles had to die but comfort always does come at a price.

Grass cut at last

The famous local robin (possibly some reincarnated friend or family member) visits the garden and sets up an observation post on top of the time lapse camera. 

The paw marks of various known and unknown cats set in concrete on the back door steps, a nice finishing touch.  Meanwhile we got the grass cut, the roses pruned and popped out to see the mighty Graeme Mearns at the Jazz Bar. A good day.

Over the high side

I first heard this expression in 1971 (OTHS), today it came back to me as if from the lips of some grievous angel via the breath of the Devil himself. It's a place I've never visited but I understand that many others have.

Cat food omelette

I seem to have gone on for most of July and much of August, the long summer months in some sort of denial of writing or producing or creating anything other than those bad, half formed early morning ideas you get (or the drunken ones you get and quickly forget). Yes that is how it has been, unforgivable and reprehensible...but fun, followed by those three pretentious and hopefully meaningful full stops. You see I've been away, in France, in England, here and there. I've been lazy too and too lazy, obstinate, preoccupied and busy with things that are counter productive. The stats have all of course gone haywire, history has repeated and I've slept away the rain, fog and misty days in a haze of, well just about nothing. Excuse me please.

Anchovies and cheese

The assumption that is made (in my imagination) that eating and appearing to enjoy certain types of food makes you look sophisticated or assume the mantle of being  knowledgeable and cultured dogs me like some badly behaved and sociable dog that I’ve encouraged with pats, praise and tit-bits. I can’t shake it off, it has adopted me. Top of the list is the anchovy and/or white bait eating experience. Scoffing the whole, strong salty fish with it's oily texture and mouth stinging pickled flavours is more of a trial of strength than any kind of measure of social mobility and worldly wisdom, it’s pain. The culinary equivalent of swimming with jelly fish whilst urinating. Perversely it’s a pain I’ve come to enjoy. The challenge that lies beyond the bland, the easy or dare I say it the pleasant. The strange experimental pact that you may from time to time (when bored with modern life) make with yourself just to test your limits (and when you are of a certain age it’s not about American motorcycles, parachutes or bungee chords), it’s just about consumption, pain and pushing against some stubborn physical tolerance. It’s taking a risk, often a stupid one. I know where I am in this now in this universe of botulism and I am comfortable peering over the event horizon and into the black hole, even if the trip is powered by a tasty but fatal dose of scallops rather than a pristine bit of Cheddar.

It’s the same as voting yes in the referendum. A yes vote equals a revolutionary outlook; a no vote equals a reactionary view. The issues on both sides are totally irrelevant; there is no proper debate, no meaningful information, nothing found in those exhausting sound bites or repetitive tweets matters. There is no credible evidence for a certain future outcome either way. It’s just risky v risk averse; and there is nothing wrong with that. All people want is some validation for their cherished views and, when the majority look they always find what they want to find nothing changes the dark/sepia human heart easily, not even sea-food dislikes. Had both sides realised that a while ago they could’ve done away with the flyers, films and trumped up publicity and donated the money to worthwhile charities and noble causes and just left us all to vote from the heart. This is exactly what we will all do on the 18th, albeit most folks will completely deny it if asked. Put it to the test, think of the Yes and No people you now know – how do they measure up? Anchovies or cheese?

Water everywhere

A handy and informative sign discovered in a Shell Station portaloo.

The Lake District contains a lot of water, most of not in the lakes but in that awkward space between the sky and the earth, where people often walk. Wet for 24 hours is an interesting experience only made pleasant by food, large amounts of alcohol and good company - so I survived. I did wonder about life and common sense and things in general when I saw some gentleman swimming naked, in the rain in Lake Windermere early in the morning. I think it was the swimming in the cold rain part that puzzled me, it seemed crazy. Then I thought about all the water, everywhere, descending on us. It still seemed crazy. Naked? That's pretty crazy too.

A money tree (detail), found near one of the very many houses by Windermere where William Wordsworth apparently slept. I've come to the conclusion that he was either a burglar or that he had a thing for farmer's wives, apart from all the poem writing business that made him so famous.

Handful of time

only a handful of time

here today

here in mind

with our secret thoughts and whispers

running low across the dawn

maybe I saw you there

perhaps you were just moving on

or you were already gone

my hands are open

palms empty and up

pushing hard on the sky

my eyes see the horizon

passing by

my time in handfuls

drains all ways

these wasted hours

fill up my days

Turns to toffee

They warned us that it would happen but we ignored them, what did they know? We carried on, we just piled the stuff in. All the junk, the selfies, the comments, the butt shots, the music uploads, pathetic games, the streams, dreams and things better unseen. News, views, screws and nothing to really lose. Now it's full, the Internet is full, like some cupboard under the stairs or those problem bedroom drawers or the garage. It's happening tonight, look around, all your things have just turned into slowly setting, congealing toffee. Yum. The world has finally stopped.

The spiral path

Following on from yesterday's despairing but low key rant I remain convinced that mankind is not progressing up some mystical spiral path to Valhalla and enlightenment but is in fact headed to Hell on a rotten and rusty handcart. We just do not learn from history or experience. Our Government commemorates 100 years since the War to end all Wars but by it's actions (or lack) proves we've learned nothing by either supporting, condoning or more likely being indifferent towards conflicts in Syria, Gaza, Iraq, Ukraine and god knows where else. We stand by and shake our heads but...

Having said that I still can't figure what direction (on said spiral path) a Yes or No vote will take us here in the bosom of supposed civilisation. Pity help the poor media dazzled person caught in the crossfire of confusing rhetoric...then I heard someone say "what other country in the world would not vote for Independence if given the opportunity? The rest of the world must think we're all daft." Hmm.

The redistribution of wealth

What with holidays in France, rubbish pay rises, wine goggles and the collapse of modern politics I've been giving this subject (wealth and it's various forms, norms and problems) some deep and penetrating thought. It seems to me that the idealistic redistribution of wealth, as called for by various socialist and revolutionary voices cannot be made to work. All that happens is that the state tax the wealthy thereby destroying the aspirational model and so bankrupting the free market. This leads to further exploitation of the masses and various shit dinners and shortages. The poor stay poor (but are rewarded in the Christian Heaven eventually). Then the state, fat on tax it lacks the vision to spend wisely, squanders it all on vanity projects and ill considered public spending. Everything ends up in another black/brown hole like this one that opened up in Nairn today. I really need more of a cheese intake so I can dream better, more positive dreams and so save the NHS and the transport infrastructure.

Chinese Crackers

Big score of International Karma points coming our way: Arriving back in Scotland late last night into a desolate and deconstructed Edinburgh Airport (no Festival Ticket pickup points or any signs of life open after 2200 it appears) we trudged up to Level 42 of the car park to start the final leg of the journey home. We were hailed by a bewildered young Chinese couple with a dead Audi A4. We tried a jump start but not only was the battery flat, the starter motor was also jammed and the disc brakes were seized - four weeks of sitting in a multi-storey does bad things to a car . A call to the AA was then made, costly but hopefully helpful after some frantic English/Chinese translation; I'd like to think they got back to Glasgow one way or another. Our reward for a futile jump start session and calling the AA for advice - a pack of Chinese Crackers handed over by the girl, "they're from China!" she said. That was sweet. I also felt my stubborn A4 envy slip away quite nicely, what they say just isn't true.

Some time in Paris

Here's some relentless photo-blogging from the city of Paris, France (as an American might say). A city full of glamour, rats running free, people sleeping rough, crazy cyclists and roller blade folks, thunder and rain, pavement cracks, good food, wine and graffiti. Funnily I missed most of the towers, arcs, artworks and palaces that normally are associated with the place; next time maybe.

Let the soil decide

Lessons in life: when lost in the vineyards of Burgundy, at a crossroads in life or unsure about anything in general then you plant something and see how it grows...so the earth decides for you. Whatever does grow you use, it may not be to your taste of course but I might just suit somebody else. I'm ok with this as one kind of way ahead.

Sunday Lunch

Bread, wine, loaves and fishes, served up as nature intended. Some minor details omitted for illustrative purposes by the stringent editorial processes currently running around here.

Nature Abhors

The wise men and monks  of Cambuskenneth Abbey often remarked that the good and benign force of nature, whoever, wherever she may be abhors a vacuum. That and cold Chicken Tikka leftovers, flat beer and Hollyoaks. In order to prove nothing in particular I spent most of this evening vacuum packing eleven shirts and two suits and squeezing them into tiny bags. After all I'm soon to be trekking in Patagonia or some such exotic and remote place and you can never tell when an uncreased and fresh lavender scented shirt might come to your rescue. The ancient technique was passed onto me by a old Chinese man living in a place known as YouTube. Sir, I salute you and all of your brave countrymen working in the tailoring and folding of garments industries. If you could only sort out some major human rights and environmental issues all could once again be well in our small, airless little worlds.

10 things I quite like about you

Generally I find that I have little in common with mainstream Papal thinking, or any other religious twaddle that's pushed out to calm the hysterical masses and while this is all a bit cheesy there's none of it I could easily disagree with. Well that's my mood for today, it may change but here are Pope Francis’s 10 secrets to happiness. Not a big black book in sight either.

1. “Live and let live.” Everyone should be guided by this principle, he said, which has a similar expression in Rome with the saying, “Move forward and let others do the same.”

2. “Be giving of yourself to others.” People need to be open and generous toward others, he said, because “if you withdraw into yourself, you run the risk of becoming egocentric. And stagnant water becomes putrid.”

3. “Proceed calmly” in life. The pope, who used to teach high school literature, used an image from an Argentine novel by Ricardo Guiraldes, in which the protagonist — gaucho Don Segundo Sombra — looks back on how he lived his life.

4. A healthy sense of leisure. The Pope said “consumerism has brought us anxiety”, and told parents to set aside time to play with their children and turn of the TV when they sit down to eat.

5. Sundays should be holidays. Workers should have Sundays off because “Sunday is for family,” he said.

6. Find innovative ways to create dignified jobs for young people. “We need to be creative with young people. If they have no opportunities they will get into drugs” and be more vulnerable to suicide, he said.

7. Respect and take care of nature. Environmental degradation “is one of the biggest challenges we have,” he said. “I think a question that we're not asking ourselves is: 'Isn't humanity committing suicide with this indiscriminate and tyrannical use of nature?'”

8. Stop being negative. “Needing to talk badly about others indicates low self-esteem. That means, 'I feel so low that instead of picking myself up I have to cut others down,'” the Pope said. “Letting go of negative things quickly is healthy.”

9. Don't proselytize; respect others' beliefs. “We can inspire others through witness so that one grows together in communicating. But the worst thing of all is religious proselytism, which paralyses: 'I am talking with you in order to persuade you,' No. Each person dialogues, starting with his and her own identity. The church grows by attraction, not proselytizing,” the Pope said.

10. Work for peace. “We are living in a time of many wars,” he said, and “the call for peace must be shouted. Peace sometimes gives the impression of being quiet, but it is never quiet, peace is always proactive” and dynamic.

The Pope and Jesus

Aye, right!

Just back from Wickerman 2014, three days of music, peace, noise, drones, sinful behaviour, dancing, eating cheesy chips, fruit, nuts,  sun, cigars, rain, weather, pyrotechnics, wine, beer, sleep, cold showers, chat, wind ups, guitar boogie, rap, poetry, nonsense, log dancing, fog, pasties, hat decorating, hat wearing, sunburn, blethering, flags, singing at the top of your voice, removing litter, silly drunks, wandering around, punk and ska, T shirt engineering, slipping and sliding and eventually getting home via Biggar (which should be twinned with Smolla, someplace in a mythical Sweden). More thoughts later on...

More flag

I couldn't be in more pain unless I'd urinated on a nettle. Well that wasn't what I did, nor was I stung by a wasp or a disguised bee or scratched by some jumping cat. I did pull a thorn from a drain and that did hurt a bit but then I completely failed to drop any of the sixteen breeze blocks and four bricks I moved across the garden onto my naked toes. I didn't for once bash my head on the low lintel on the garage door, on the boxed in plumbing nor on the awkward bit under the stairs where everything is at the wrong height. No thumbs were hit by claw hammers or finger tips removed by spinning electric machinery (drill, saw or lawn mower) and my wrist was not burned by the oven door nor scalded by a kettle spillage plus I cant remember the last time I cut myself shaving or (other than two weeks ago) had an irritable spot up my nose cavity. So what is this pain? No other words than...summer fatigue and the requirement for a holiday.