Nobody's Life is that Perfect

Let's celebrate those glossy, happy lives, carefree and fulfilled. Existence without blemish, argument or passion. All across the internet and in the media. You can find them there. Happy multicultural, financially independent, healthy families pose for the camera, smug that their good looks, smart choices and purchasing power have got them ... somewhere sunny. It's a good thing I'm not bitter and twisted. I just wish for perfect white teeth, straight and true with meadow sweet breath 24/7 - and sunglasses that I can avoid sitting on accidentally.

Nostalgia Circus

I woke this morning thinking I could see Whitney Houston in the curtain design. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. People don't normally appear to me from within a curtain. Perhaps it's just a hangover from the Jubilee events, most of which I tactically avoided. Too painful, too cringe worthy, too royal for my liking. The general public lapping it all up, waving to holograms, shuffling along to Elton John, eating red, white and blue sponge cake. Growing old in this country appears to involve joining up in some garish nostalgia circus. 

It's not a road I want to explore. I can't celebrate greed, inherited and meaningless power, dumb people promoted to "royal highness" and the celebrity flotsam and jetsam that follows in their wake. Gongs, medals and titles are everything to them it seems and you pay it back with all of your wrinkled dignity. Cliff, Rod and Brian May. I hope I die before I get that kind of recognition.

Scotch Eggs

 

Some sound advice I'd like to have received about 40 years ago. It also applies to sausage rolls. Maybe even to all types of cooked meat products but depending on the supplier and your own taste and texture likes and dislikes, to some extent. Then again sometimes a cheap amplifier produces the best tones. In life all rules are likely to be a bit elastic, nothing is ever 100% true or untrue. Except for this series of blog posts. Absolutely. 

Platinum Jubilee AI

Ach, just wheesht. Sometimes I wish I could care but not very often: I have no time for the detached, greedy, self serving monster that is the British Royal cabal. There's nothing about the institution and the dysfunctional royal Windsor family, with it's snobbery and corruption that's worth celebrating. I'm not even an old punk either (too old to be an old punk).

Wherever We Are

"Wherever we may be and despite being lost for a time, I'm pretty sure that by now we must be very close to the treasure. That is according to my calculations and the sweet scent of success carried upon the four winds. Modern maps don't lie as a rule but they can be misunderstood."

Johnny Loco

I saw my first Johnny Loco bike the other day. Parked up by a coffee shop that was selling Portuguese cakes and the like. Nothing odd there I suppose. Of course the name Johnny Loco meant very little to me but then I did what we all do and googled them. They do fancy bikes, bike parts, eye wear (glasses) and watches. Lifestyle items I guess. Do people still like/buy/use watches? I know in my soul that I'm too old and too uncool to carry off using such products and I'm happy that it hardly bothers me.

Koln Daily Photo

 

Koln, a wonderful city with a crazy mixture of buildings, lanes and streets, vehicles and graffiti. Above is some anti-Nazi street art inspired by the events that took place here on Kristallnacht in 1938.

Lost bike.

Music from the big pink.

Some buildings just defy description.

Heavy Ice Cream

I'm in an ice cream shop*. The ice cream is normal but their process isn't. Once you've chosen a tub or a cone or whatever then they put your ice cream on a special scale and weigh it. Unfortunately the special ice cream scales were playing up and required regular rebooting. During the rebooting the ice cream was temporarily returned to the freezer to preserve it's very nature. 

Once the scales were up and running the ice cream was weighed and a price decided (by the machine). If ever there was an unnecessary process in retail this is it. What could be simpler than selling ice cream? 

Now it's technically dependent on a dodgy system and with only a few grams either way it makes little sense. The ice cream was nice but the desire to over complicate the sale had me baffled. Also amid this technological breakthrough in frozen dessert retailing, I was surprised to find that their till was cash only.

*I know that the photo isn't actually of ice cream, it isn't even an ice lolly but it was on the wall of the shop.

SQ Compass Daily Photo

 

The north is never too far away. Most of the time it's over there somewhere. This also applies to the other compass points. I'm not sure how accurate this painted, hand crafted and static compass is but it's well enough executed anyway, sitting as it does in a car park adjacent to the various bridges we have here. I'm sure tourists and vandals alike will find it quite attractive. I hope it survives the ravages of the summer.

Google

We're all reminded by Google*, it never forgets.

Timely reminders, prompts, "take a look back", "those were the days".

Things we uploaded return to haunt us.

"Recognize this face?" 

But one day, perhaps it will forget and who know's what might happen then?

Something beautiful? Something disastrous?

Memory fills up and fades.

The ages of innocence.

And the end.

*Google wants to know your pronouns. Nobody else does though.

Life in a harmonious dictatorship where we think we make all the correct choices.

Jack Black & Desmond Decker

 

One of those posts where somebody talks about a kettle or a fridge they've been using for about 60 years and how it's never failed them. I'm tempting fate. Well this Black and Decker 2 speed electric drill has been with me since mid 1978. I borrowed it from a friend to use on some house renovation work and promptly broke it. The 2 speed feature jammed solid. I tried to fix it but it was truly stuck in one speed (the faster one I think). I bought my friend a replacement drill and soldiered on with the old one expecting it to break down at any time. 

Strangely I've used it regularly since and it's never missed a beat. Of course the chuck mechanism is worn out and the extra handles are long gone but it continues to operate. Last week I used it to drill into stone and masonry (3"deep holes) in order to put up a new house number outside. Obviously it will give up one day but at 44 plus years I can't complain. Thank you Chucky from B&D.

Short Paragraph

A picture is not necessary in order to understand this.

"I despise him for the contempt he has for everyone else. The narcissism. The laziness. The incompetence. The mendacity. And I despise those who are keeping him there. Supine weasels. They know who he is. They know what he is. And they let him carry on. Fuck them." 

@ernest_malley

Porsche 914

 

An unusual sight at the Porsche in the Glen day, held near East Kilbride. A restored 914, ex-California and Belgium. Not sure what the age and mileage is/was, with this type of rare car none of that is particularly important.  Among all the "super" cars this simplistic VW powered, 1.7 air cooled model was my favourite. Over 200 shiny vehicles turned up, fairly choking the roads and display area, it made a decent wee day out.

Kidding Myself

The internal politics of just looking out of the window as a means of seeking serenity: Quite unexpectedly I've come to a conclusion about myself. I'm still me.  

Happy with this inspirational vantage point which may be described as low, medium, high or not anything at all.

Vague News

Just when I though that it was safe to forget about religion once and for all the face of Jesus appears to me in a set of wooden drawers. OK, perhaps it's not the most flattering of images of him. Looks like an inky version from the Middle Ages or an aged Russian Icon. Perhaps it's Henry VIII or Christopher Columbus, a weird werewolf or just some random skull. That's the problem with this kind of supernatural message, there's a degree of vagueness there that only creates confusion and uncertainty. Maybe that's the general idea.

Andy

Almost a cult figure: He's traveled the world but now he's retired from the media to a life in the hills and glens of bonnie Scotland (well they're nearby). £30, but maybe less if you're a useful or determined negotiator. Curious would be buyers are lining up.

Gibson Les Paul

 

"The Les Paul guitar mixed artistically with a brass samovar on a train headed East, at least that's what the befuddled conductor told me as he poured out the tea."

We used to call it a Les Dawson, 'cos he was funny and on the telly. I didn't realise that Les Paul was a real person who actually designed the thing. It was just a Lezpol. Something exotic, cool and unaffordable, that is until someone I knew actually got one. And then at a peculiar party gig in a rainy Naval Base mess over in the west he played Ballroom Blitz by the Sweet on it as I stood at the side of the stage looking on.

The Good Advice

To get yourself through this somewhat awkward time in the history of Great Britain and to ensure that you can pay all your bills, feed your children and keep your home warm you simply need to choose to do any or all of the following:

Try to work more hours, overtime, weekends or backshifts.

Get a more highly paid job, something with better prospects. You just never know.

Try networking with the correct people.

Even if you are quite unwell still go out to work.

Consider joining a good golf club or society.

Wear a woolly jumper if it's chilly.

Be seen as the one who is "eager" in the team.

Perhaps make some astute investments.

Learn to cook using basic, cheap ingredients.

Become an influencer.

Eat less take-away food.

Put an extra blanket on the bed.

Commit financial fraud, preferably on a grand scale.

Consider cancelling your Netflix or Amazon accounts.

Put your money "off-shore". It will work much harder there.

And if this doesn't work for you then it's all your own fault. That's the government's good advice that you just didn't take.

Splash

 

When a picture is worth a thousand words and most of those words are likely to be swear words. Full credits go to @coldwarsteve the number one artist of our unfortunately toxic, digital and messed up times.

Ibanez Jem

 

Not spiky, not thrashy, not trashy, not shredded enough, not in my opinion. These gears are tough to get through, difficult to change, not easy to operate. That's why we're losing speed and fluency. We meaning a version of me that does not exist. It's down to a lack of practice and training and failing to complete those exercises in scales and fingering that require too much patience and perseverance. Now I'm tired and my brain is numb. I cannot climb this metal mountain. I cannot descend into those bassy depths and my tone is lemony and dry when it should be an enormous red strawberry of a thing, set at 97 decibels.