Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Things that can happen to people.

Careful, these are things that can happen to people, though they are not necessarily bad.

A girl of eleven got measles, all her hair fell out, she wore a wig all her long life but told nobody.
A teenager drank a bottle of sherry and shouted at his headmaster.
A man took photographs of the beach, developed them and then tore them up.
A boy whose mother was a very poor cook enjoyed school meals immensely.
A man locked himself in his office and had a snooze in the afternoon.
The first bicycle a boy was given was actually stolen from someone else.
A man wrote a very good story of ten thousand words and then accidentally deleted it from his computer.
A boy won a writing competition but the prize he was given was a girl’s book.
A couple had a baby boy that died; they went on to have three daughters.
A couple split up after the man had an affair with a nurse, they never spoke again.
A dying man’s dog bit the doctor. The dog was put down and the man died.
A lady worked in a factory throughout WWII, she wanted to join Army but her mother forbade her, she regretted that all her life.
A man went to Australia and enjoyed the life there but when his father died he returned home to look after his mother and never went back to Australia.
A man was made redundant from his job in the botanical gardens. Two lifers from the local prison shared his old duties on a parole scheme.
A religious man said grace over a carton of pineapple juice.
A student’s young wife hated the city in which he studied so he gave up his course and returned to live in her hometown.
A boy told a lie about his girlfriend, his friends told her and she dumped him.
A man had a well-paid job but worked long hours. His wife resented the time he spent at work so he changed jobs. A little while later they divorced.
A boy lost his homework folder and got into a great deal of trouble at home. Next day he found it in another room.
A man accidentally set fire to his car whilst installing a safety seat.
A carer knocked a girl over in her wheel chair and down some steps. She recovered but he stopped being a carer.
A vegetarian ate some fish and chips on impulse and ceased to be a vegetarian.
An uncle sexually abused a young boy, the boy forgave him.
A man turned up at a family funeral in a Ferrari and was ignored by everybody there.
A woman who liked her own space always was seated next to overweight men when travelling by air.
A lady sometimes lost her temper so violently sometimes that she was unable to speak and just had to run away.
A girl held her breath until she passed out.
A woman went to work in her swish office with odd court shoes on.
A man lived in a van with an Alsatian that eventually ate the gear stick and the door handles.
A boy of seventeen was shot in the leg during the D Day landings and survived, the rest of his friends were killed.
A woman stole a lipstick from a beauty counter but never used it.
A man grew excellent tomatoes in his greenhouse and gave them all away because he disliked them.
A girl passed her driving test but never drove again because she had an argument with her father.
A woman suffered anxiety because she was unable to tell her husband her true feelings about anything.
Army cook made a meal for the King in Africa and told the story every time he was drunk.
An old lady couldn’t understand how you could have an all day breakfast.
A man laughed out loud at paperbacks he read during his travels on public transport.
A boy broke his leg and his father did his paper round.
A man tried to kill himself in his garage but gave up and got drunk instead.
A lady fell asleep every night at ten thirty.
A man inherited some money and had no idea what to do with it.
A girl liked to watch TV alone as she hated the idea that others should know what kind of programmes she liked.
A boy wore hand me down clothes but didn’t mind.
A boy was hit in the face by a football on his first day at school and that put him off football.
A lady worked in an office and for many years kept the details of her private life a complete secret.
A man went to France without taking a jacket with him.
A girl agreed with everything her mother said because she was afraid to disagree.
An old lady who was very lonely pretended she was happy and surrounded by caring friends.
A father who was denied access to his children accepted it rather than fight back.
An overweight man thought it was ok to keep on eating junk food as long as he told no one about it.
A lady cooked frozen chicken for her family all the time, she never thawed it properly and no one was ever ill as a result.
A man disliked putting his fingers into a crisp packet.
A son loved his mother so much he never criticised anything she did although she was clearly mad.
A man smoked dope in secret a long time after he said he’d given it up.
A man fantasised about owning a certain car and when he finally did own one he didn’t really like it but never admitted it.
A man had an enormous CD collection but hardly ever listened to them as his wife preferred to watch soaps in the evening.
A man bought expensive sunglasses but they were never as comfortable as the cheaper ones.
A man worked in an office where everyone enjoyed playing golf. He hated the game but didn’t say anything.
A lady loved it when her boss was out of the office and she could do what she liked all day.
A woman who worked hard in a day care centre had to tell her husband everything that happened that day when she came home. He didn’t listen to any of it.
A man was always worried about Christmas and birthdays because he was sure he always bought the wrong kind of gifts.
One man’s favourite meal was noodles and egg mixed up.
A teenager left his job to become a musician but when things didn’t work out he had to ask for his old job back, and got it.
A daughter rescheduled all her diary dates regularly to suit her insensitive mother.
A man always tipped, irrespective of whether the service was bad or good, as he felt sorry for all waiting staff.
A man had impetigo all over his face for his first day in a new job.
A man used to read his bible every day in the toilet.
A racist man was strangely happy when his daughter married an Asian.
A man from Ireland said he’d never go back there after his father and grandfather were abused and humiliated by former friends.
A fundamentalist couldn’t see another’s point of view when discussing tolerance.
A lady who was embarrassed about her poor qualifications faked little bits of her CV and after a while began to believe the fake parts were true.
A woman who wasn’t so sure about men and what they wanted was afraid to throw things out and filled her house with clutter.
A girl who didn’t want to get married never did.
A man tried to trace his old friends but quickly realised none of them wanted to contact him.
A man with smelly feet used to put his shoes outside on hotel windowsills at night.
A football fan called all his team’s players by their first names as if he knew them individually.
A young man died of a heart complaint two years after his brother died from the same thing.
A boy thought that it was normal to disagree with his parents and always did even when he didn’t really.
A man gave some money to a children’s charity and then found out that it was run by a paedophile.
A man was unsure on his own opinions and so agreed with whatever those around him said.
A man liked Indian food but it gave him an upset stomach.
A man disliked monkeys and clowns for no particular reason.
A boy thought it was clever to do funny voices but his friends didn’t really find them funny.
On holiday a lady won a prize in a bingo game and felt good about herself all week.
A girl liked gymnastics but her mum wouldn’t ever let her attend the class.
Two children found loads of chestnuts in bushes beneath the trees and treated them as treasure.
A band heard their music on the radio for their first time and all cried.
Two children had two gerbils, one gerbil ate the other but the kids didn’t mind.
One man’s favourite tea was beans on toast accompanied by HP sauce.
A woman had driven for many years but was afraid to use the horn on her car.
Every night before he went to bed a man used to wash his bottom and between his legs.
A religious man found forgiveness very difficult.
A lady always ate single items at a time from her plate: all the vegetables, all the meat, never mixing items on her fork.
A man spent his holidays visiting the towns and places featured in his favourite singer’s songs.
A couple argued every night, the argument always ended with numerous doors slamming.
A lady attended the wrong funeral and did not realise until days later.
A man thought it odd that people ate with forks facing downwards.
One man never read any books, only reviews and then pretended to have read them.
When confronted with the police at a demonstration a pacifist turned nasty.
A man sang a sad song about a girlfriend who had dumped him and forgot some of the words.
A man who was a very talented footballer wasted his chances by suffering from a hangover during an important trial.
A couple thought that there should be one set of school rules for their children and one for everybody else’s.
Two boys tried to catch birds using a method they’d seen in a cartoon strip.
A proud you father dropped his new baby by accident. The baby was all right but the father felt guilty for days.
A woman cried when her favourite office cup was accidentally broken.
Despite knowing it annoyed people a lady insisted on sending out bold and coloured text emails.
A born again Christian loved fantasy and witchcraft books but would not admit it to his fellow believers.
A man bought newspapers everyday but seldom read them.
A spoiled girl bullied her friends because she couldn’t stand not to get her own way.
A woman ruined a washing machine full of laundry by mixing colours then laughed about when she wanted to cry.
A lady liked to sew but could never quite find the time.
A man only used his business cards to drop into hotel prize draw boxes.
A couple went on holiday each year but only to the places he wanted to go to.
A man used to sneak crisps and snacks from the business lounge at the airport and put them in his brief case.

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