Upturned boats

Upturned boats: For various complicated social reasons and lack of height due to inter-breeding and the Vikings being a bit angry at times all sorts of things have happened. So the people of the Farne Islands have resorted to living in upturned boats that they've clearly stolen from fishermen and pulled heroically up the beach well past the high water mark. These robust dwellings are rough from a design point of view but are well fitted out inside and surprisingly comfortable. Don't take my word for it, just try spending a quiet night there some time. Elsewhere in the drowned village there has been a serious outbreak of tourists, all pointing and wearing sunglasses. Apparently some have even travelled all the way from England to be here. The pubs remain open all day as a mark of respect to the Roman Catholic church and the memory of St Adrian the founder of the Mead Society and the pastime known as "prayer walking". There is also a shop full of tat and a local distillery. Some people even bought books. That was about all that we saw on our day out and it ended without event.

Emptying the dishwasher: Always best to do this when it is warm and asleep and you are not suffering from the complaint known as "stupid fecking butter fingers", I know that I am not at present - and always take care to wipe out the badly shaped hole where the pellet of dish washing and tranquilising compound is inserted. Never suck the dry pellet. Any dampness will seriously affect future performance I am told. When it comes to programmes pot luck is recommended.

Carrots: Carrots are an alien species that are related to the octopus in terms of DNA, nationality and colour. Both can be grown under glass apparently. Take care when chopping them up so that the tentacles and vegetable slices will look neat when placed within a pot of boiling minced beef and Bisto. Beware of the ink as it might carry a nasty message. If in doubt stand well back and pour yourself another glass of red wine. Tomorrow I'll be eating lukewarm potatoes.