If you're not sure

Somewhat ironic that the current UK Government, now set in a seemingly permanent state of incompetence and bare faced lying, should be advising us against spreading "false" information. I'll be doing my best to spread as enlightened a view as possible.

Paper Paper

Limited Edition: To celebrate, commiserate and commemorate the demise of the actual paper newspaper industry, our own modern inability to write with pen and paper and the difficulties that some folks experience in both reading and understanding (it used to be called comprehension by academic types but that term has fallen out of favour) this digital only piece is offered as a download exclusively via a site that can only be reached via a secret bot Twitter account that I've yet to create. 

In simple terms, numbers and price will vary according to supply and demand and the markets remaining open and flexible to deep and dark manipulation - if there is to be any success it will be for only those who seek the truth, but you must firstly break the hidden code. Good hunting. 

1055

Today I sat on a bench opposite this phone box in Dalmeny. I'd been out for a cycle on highways and byways (exercising and looking over hedges) and decided it was a good, sunny spot to take a break. It was about 1055 and the minute of silence was due at 1100 so I sat there, like many others and reflected on the deaths of NHS and Care Home staff as well as those who had also died from the illness. Huge numbers. Sad and awful. 

I sat for while and  also reflected on the ongoing lies, manipulation, avoidance of taking responsibility, duplicity, lack of empathy and the lack of funding of PPE and lack of planning and foresight this Tory Government has shown. I thought about their work to push through with austerity policies for 10 years, deny benefits for the needy, seeking to deport worthwhile and entitled citizens, restricting free movement and maintaining and actively voting for low pay for those workers they now celebrate as "heroes" - and their idiotic, stubborn pursuance of Brexit. 

This Westminster rabble is an ignorant and stupid government of greedy thieves, liars and cheats. A veritable parcel of rogues and I hope their time is short, in every respect.

The Great Wave

A great wave of distortion.

A great wave of action, a great wave of apathy, a great wave of positivity, a great wave of despair, a great wave of triumph, a great wave of failure, a great wave of belief, a great wave of doubt, a great wave of concern, a great wave of indifference, a great wave of chance, a great wave of calculation, a great wave of chaos, a great wave of certainty, a great wave of lower case, a GREAT WAVE OF UPPER CASE. You choose.

Extreme Chattanooga Choo-Choo

The older I've become the more I've come to realise that I have totally underestimated the metaphysical power and psychic strength of this tune and it's seemingly lightweight but profound lyrical content. As it turns out it's part of a Pandora's Box of Pandora related weirdness via an American railroad yarn set to music. However it seems that it's latent power is only fully released and realized in some transcendental way when you cheekily alter the lyrics as follows: "Pardon me boy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes". What happens thereafter seems to stretch and then break apart the fabric of the universe and the space and time continuum itself. If you doubt anything I'm saying in this then by all means experiment yourself but tread warily, there may be something very powerful hidden out there in the magic of the sung or lightly hummed word when you are tampering with it disrespectfully.

Two chairs

Monday: Suns out, cats out, chairs out. A bit of early morning exercise around the block, pop to the shop and the post office for essential essentials and warm up a car to ensure it doesn't flatten itself out. Dodge the cyclists, the many beagle walkers, the puzzled looking kids pushed around by a puzzled parent and listening to the noise of so much less activity than old style Mondays. Then some guys turn up, out of the blue to cut a new drain into the driveway, they're back at work, essential services. Now we have proper noise and dust and puzzlement. Then I read that the PM is back, blabbering, saying nothing meaningful and telling stories from his own personal twilight zone. I'll avoid any live listening, even the sight of him creeps me out now. New style Mondays and normality, what do they even mean? They're either gone forever or just around the corner.

Repeat Until Complete

Another tedious mention for DIY masks and their simple construction using socks etc.

We, as reasonably compliant citizens remain currently locked down in a space station in inner space where you don't need a mask, however when venturing out in the rarefied atmosphere of a Corona Virus world, mask wearing is a good idea, so as to avoid any viral spores and nasty floaters (hopefully).

As a general methodical and respectful reminder, here is (as below) how you build an exclusive wardrobe of fashionable but somewhat non-compliant face masks simply with scissors, socks and coffee filters (or whatever filter/tissue paper you might have available). It's not our method, just passing it on. Come the day of compulsory wearing of masks in public etc. etc. these might actually be useful. What seems crazy or uncomfortable today may well prove to be completely acceptable tomorrow.

Psychedelic Salads for Saturdays

Psychedelic Salads for Saturdays No.1 - Avocado and Lupin with a hint of Chives. A popular choice in Central Scotland due to the kindness of the climate, the peaceful and open minded local inhabitants and the all year round availability of fresh exotic fruits from the roadside. Always a lunchtime favourite, tasty, mind expanding and quite groovy really and of course you can transplant the stones and get even more fruit in a year or two.

DIY Sock Masks

Today we're mostly crafting designer sock masks from designer socks. Obviously non-compliant but probably useful in a pinch i.e. when the mask riots start up for real. For full instructions on how to make the masks up in the comfort of your own home, simply tune into All 4 and watch last night's Gogglebox.

P.S. It is illegal (well it should be but we're in a free market and you can see where that gets us) to try to sell these for £9.99 (or any price) on Etsy if you're getting ideas. 

Here's a useful graphic:

Last night's sky

From the window last night, no meteors or comets or asteroids. No space stations or Space X strings of pearls. Just high and shady clouds, obscuring the higher sky but holding the sun to account and pouring out strange, wistful colour schemes. Putting on a bit of a show for the shortest of big times and then capitulating to the proper dark as it sneaks in and doused by the artificial light we throw around like water in a bath.

Thank You Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Happy Tree

As an alternative to the slightly puzzling post below here's an almost happy tree I made from virtual Lego.

Asleep at the wheel

Lockdown sleep perceptions. There's been some talk about "lockdown" dreams and how, now that we are all in this altered Covid state, possibly more anxious, fearful etc. dreams might have become more vivid or meaningful or whatever. Anyway here's a thing that I'm experiencing (or at least I think I'm experiencing) most nights during the descent into the big ZZZs and back out again. 

It goes like this: When I sleep for about the same amount of time as I slept before lockdown I now awake with a sense or feeling that my sleep time has lasted a lot longer than sleep times did before lockdown. Sleeping or unconscious time  somehow seems to my mind to have taken longer to pass than as I might have previously experienced. I'm not really dreaming much either i.e. to fill the time, but I never did much anyway. 

This is something I've only gradually noticed, at first I dismissed it as just a funny feeling but my awareness and sense of it has grown to the point where I am wondering if it's real, well real as far as the perception of your own sleep activity can be.

When you don't

A cat, happily asleep.

When you don't believe in any god, when you don't believe the government (or even in the government), when you don't believe the media. For a start it all sounds terribly negative, all this serial non-believing. Perhaps it's harder to believe than not to, perhaps it's also a bit foolish to believe. We all need something, believing in yourself might be a good start, if tricky at times. We're now in one of four camps, infected and ill, carrying and dangerous, been through it (but maybe not sure) and finally awaiting the hammer blow of a cough and a sweat that signals the arrival of the pestilence. There's also a fifth category but they are sadly not with us anymore. So we're hungry for advice and information. It's there but it's sullied by incapable people trying to explain their way out of things they can't grasp while more open minded scientist types move the goal posts as experiences are understood.

The Covid 19 problem has obviously brought these issues into sharper focus. so many versions of the truth circulating, point scoring, air brushing facts, avoidance of responsibility and my own personal favourite; telling yourself stories. My only solution, and it's not a very good one nor is it comprehensive has been to shut down a lot of my normal information gathering sources. Local radio, BBC anything, reading newspapers diligently, digging into twitter or blogs. I'm still doing bits of these but radio has gone and TV is very limited. I'm feeling better as a result, strangely less isolated and also less bombarded with "stories". That's not to say that the human experiences being shared are not important or moving or worthwhile, it's the context they now sit in and the way they are included with bigger "lines to take" strategies that dilutes their significance. So I'm watching and waiting like everyone else but I'm narrowing my field of vision. At least that's the story I'm telling myself.

Daily sandwich and tree

Daily sandwich, salad, mayo, gouda and pickled herring.

Daily tree, somewhere in West Lothian, complete with sky.

Lady and the cat

Spring garden stillness, lady and two cats relaxing, however one cat  is obscured by artistic distortion.

When your seven worlds collide

The folklore of environmental challenge comes alive.

First hour of the day:

A time to wake up before the alarm.
A nasty draught and a stiff neck.
A minor coincidence involving Cheltenham Racecourse.
A bar of chocolate at the wrong time.
A walk through the woods and the discovery of a picnic area.
A struggle to the top of a steep hill.
A cracked windscreen worsened by frost.
A large bird roosting on the corner of our house.
A street where the house numbers that are completely out of order.
A police car passing slowly.
A dish of rhubarb and yogurt.
A stranger wondering around inside your house.
A short stint at cat wrangling.
A Tesco delivery driver phoning from Folkstone.
A tiny error in the paintwork rectified by one burst from a spray can.
A moment of forgetfulness involving a mobile phone.
A loose slab under the gravel.
A quick shower during which you finally get to the bottom of the shower gel.
A two Porsche driveway.
A time to make sure that wall mounted furniture is stable and safe.
A sunny morning but a cool breeze.

#OneWorldTogetherAtHome

Shit TV: I watched a bit of this on Nozama Prime on Saturday night, it wasn't so bad, reasonable if predictable performances and not too much in the way of patronising or clumsy, heavy interruptions to the flow of the show. OK but still a bit..hmm, preachy. Then tonight somehow the BBC got a hold of it, worked their editorial magic and sucked the little fun that might have been right out of it. Excellent work there, three awkward presenters (?) in the standard BBC (One Show over explaining) mode and tone trying to link up pieces that were already fermenting in the can and, in the true spirit of all their over the top, touchy feely charity shows, adding in appeal after appeal "stay the fuck at home" messages. We're four weeks into this now and we don't need to hear it every three and a half minutes. I lasted half an hour and then pressed the red button. That's the off button around here.

Continuous Rhubarb

The plagues, the rats, the religious persecution, the lack of affordable fashion and the complete absence of socially aware and challenging comedy and the ever present possibility of a death sentence for any crime involving sheep stealing or some sexual misdeed or another. Times were hard but then rhubarb, the "wonder veg" was introduced to the hungry, sugar poor Scots in the sixteenth century. A miracle fresh from the colonies to the common man's colon. 

It was brought over, along with herbs, spices and various affordable drugs by a Dutch merchant who was freakishly tall compared to the diminutive locals. The Dutchman known as Dick Van der Valk promised that the regular consumption of rhubarb would boost stature, prevent tooth decay and the improve general mental health and disposition. Of course he was immediately believed in as if he was a god or a football manager and rhubarb bulbs were planted in the gardens, fields and public spaces all across the country. These were the years of "rhubarb fever" or "the red devil's insanity" as it was sometimes called by fanatics and various bald headed bishops of whatever faith.

The rhubarb market was also highly volatile, an early example of boom, bust, more boom, too much bust and then a long period of upset stomachs. Of course people never learn from history or tittle tattle how things work and so applied copious amounts of cow dung to their rhubarb patches on warm summer evenings. The results were both interesting and poisonous and the once profitable and reliable balloon  suddenly burst. This caused great confusion as balloons hadn't even been invented yet. 

Dark days indeed. However custard had been discovered by the French and chefs and bakers across the land realized that without rhubarb they'd be onto plums and so the pie and (glossy) if somewhat brittle revisionist tart industry was born. The exponents referred to themselves as artisans and soon sprouted beards, incomprehensible tattoos and aprons and so civilisation started a new period of decline.This was also helped by James Watt inventing the kettle and the loudspeaker on the very same day resulting in mass tea breaks and custom playlists for wandering minstrels. Once again the workers were back in control and it was destined not to end well. Rhubarb and the wearing of the sacred tartan were banned and so the clearances began. We dare not even speak of the Rhubarb Riots of 1745 and the unfortunate incident involving Bonnie Prince Athelstane, Flora MacBurger and the Spanish Inquisition, all too painful. 

Tonight we'll settle down in our relatively dry and warm mud baked accommodation, munch an Aldi baked potato or two and enjoy a slender slice of rhubarb crumble as the dawn of lockdowns passes and the long evening of lockdowns grows longer. Somewhere out there across the fibre optic network Lady Gaga is playing a Zoom gig as Keith Richards sits bewildered by the guitar in his hands and the lens looking him over. In that moment we'll remember the many rhubarb martyrs down the ages and the flans, pies, crumbles and tarts that they fought and died for, or not as the case may be.
Stay at least two metres apart from any rhubarb next time you're out there.

A pillow of winds

Duck Duck Go tells me this site is insecure but I remain relaxed, tempted even to whistle a happy tune. No good reason for this other than I'm not really paranoid but I can hardly blame people if they are paranoid these days. It makes some kind of sense to have a skewed view that can be quickly translated and understood. From now on everything needs daily reimagining. The feast is continually moving and the mission is creeping. Gird your loins etc.

Life used to be about threats and opportunities, now it's about the avoidance of risk and the potential and costs for risk mitigation. There are real threats out there, the most dangerous of which we either do not see or those we see everyday but they remain hidden from us in plain sight. But fear not, we are not victims yet, we are just poorly defended by our traditional defenders and their best defence may well be attack. Duck Duck Go is actually OK and less intrusive than the voice of good fairy Google's little helpers. Anyway it turns out that after quite a few mishaps and unexpected problems we all lived happily ever after. The End.