Dead people

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Dead people on mountain tops

The cremated ash of dead people scattered or piled on top of mountains, so where better to be? Part of somebody else's' good idea? So when you expire and capsize, roll off the top, roll and shuffle from this mortal coil to a higher physical plane. Under the big blue sky as your ashes become part of the hill, part of a mountain range, an eternal piece of the bigger picture, caressed by gentle clouds in a heavenly illusion. Few people (if any) are born on top of mountains. Some will never get to the top of any mountain either dead or alive. So it remains that romantic, hill minded outdoor people could at least in death escape to somewhere where their heart can lie at peace (sic). For others, life spent in board or management or production meetings, on the shop floor, in a cab or in a kitchen. Here is a final lone grasp at the elusive, abstract truth that is freedom. Jeremy spoke in class today. Jeremy spoke in class today.

Poor people will not bother. They stay in the clay in the graves of paupers or will squirm as their ash is squirted over some ugly rose bush in a "garden" of obscurity and forget. Rich people will fight death as long as they can afford to and then lose the battle quietly. They may go to the football stadium or penalty spot or mantelpieces or cupboards or into the sea. They may be laid out in a cardboard box and interred at the correct depth to have a tree grow from their stomach. One day that tree will be cut down. But those purple mountains call one and all in a strange way.

Ash stifles the growth, the healthy alpines starve, the grass dries and browns and petrifies, as all their roots fail, the ash chokes the life from them and they give up their grasp of the summit. Winds and frosts, snows and teaming rain, weak sun and blistered mist hack at this tired rock. Black rain has fallen. Your ash has brought about the end; your ash has cracked the strength of the peak, your years now gone are at the heart of this personal rot.

Scientists from the University of Bavarian Soil Design Team have (thanks to EU funding) established all that has ever been said on the matter (of all the above) is completely true and examples can be seen on 1177 European peaks and hilltops. Pope Gregory is of course to be thanked for all of this and the subsequent chanting in the corridor. Dead people's remains’s remaining on mountaintops is not sustainable. Bring your dead back down to earth, to their former battlefields and golf courses, to their back gardens and mausoleums, to their allotments and friendly carrot patches. To the pure all thought is pure, to the impure it is a lottery scratch card.

Some say that Jesus left earth from the Mount of Olives - but he was not made of any kind of ash at this time.

Cryogenics and the Antarctic call out as possible options or places, even just your DNA reflected in a mirror, someday could be regenerated into your actual DNA on this side of the mirror. If the mirror can be preserved and your DNA revitalised them perhaps we can make you into a small blob on a pilot dish. You will not be recognisable, your self-awareness will be very low and being ash on a mountain may seem very attractive but the processes are developing all the time. Come back and surprise your grand children in their own dotage. Think of how many times you could say, "I told your parents so.."

These are your precious atoms, divided and scattered like some lost tribe that has passed the pinnacle of it's civilisation and now runs afraid before the descent of a Dark Age.

No time for electricity or entropy or synergy: living in a modern life.
Not time for prematurity, for shadows or impurity: living in a modern life.
What's mine is mine is mine is mine, is mine is mine is mine is mine: living in a modern life.
Those ashes pass from peak to sea, the dust explores the atmosphere: living in a modern life.

Middle aged mind

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Go away, throw away

Go away; let’s just throw away.

Lookin’ after aging relatives

Wishin’ they’d take a little more of their sedatives

Making the mistake of holidaying down in Wales

But I'll be ok, I'll drink the local ale,

Being so far behind the times that you miss the January sales.

Feelin' less and less sympathy for dolphins and whales,

These are all, troubles of the middle aged mind

These are all, troubles of the middle aged mind.


Come back here, down to zero

Come back here, right down to some place close to zero.

Pin number fits right into the convenient slot

Bought some things, they’re in my trolley, not sure what I got,

Making the mistake of trying to make a plan,

Making the mistake of trying to understand,

Being in love, trying the best to be who I am.

These are all, troubles of the middle aged mind

These are all, troubles of the middle aged mind

If you think it’s funny, brother it's coming up, straight behind.


Credit card bills, just numbers on a page

Call the call centre, try to cap the rage

She’s on page three but can’t count up to the page

I’m livin’ life at that slightly awkward stage

These are the problems, this is middle age.

I’ve got no problems; I’m just middle aged.

May all your rats turn out to be voles

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May all your rats turn out to be voles

The detox week may be over but the effects go carry on. This Saturday I had about six cups of coffee and two glasses of wine during the day. The caffeine and alcohol rush made it impossible to sleep and impossible to think creatively. I found myself on the couch at one thirty in the morning flicking between Big Brother Live (tedious) and “A man called Horse” (annoying). I did eventually manage to sleep and decided to eat normally for all of today. The rest of the week has yet to happen.

Whilst trying to describe a road map of Switzerland this morning I could not remember the name of Jackson Pollock. I was trying to say that the map looked to me like one of his works, every other artists name (and a few authors were attempted) and we explored various theories about memory, recall and filing systems. I tried to think myself back to our visit to MOMA in New York to hook onto something but nothing came, then after half an hour and whilst frying two eggs the name popped back into by head. How the hell does that happen?

Every so often you come up against people who have never heard of Salvador Dali, or the House of Commons or existentialism or something. What makes them tick? Then I think how little I know about mathematics or soap operas or rugby and I realise none of it matters.

Today we cut the hedge (8 feet high x 100 feet long), it took two hours. After ten minutes we both realised how unfit we were and also what a devilish instrument a hedge trimmer can be. Ali cut the sides whilst I cut the top and also the part adjacent to the field. The field was of course a quagmire into which the stepladder and I sank numerous times. During the process we found one birds nest and a dead rat, which we decided on a politically correct basis to describe as a vole. “How do you think it died?” asked Ali, it seemed likely the cat had had a paw in it’s demise but we will of course never know. It started me thinking about Ratty in “Wind in the Willows” and how pleasant and friendly he seemed and of course the similarly named Ratty in “Tales of the Riverbank” (Jonny Morris voice over). Both these rats were champions for the rat cause but are not really associated with the more unpleasant sides of rat habits. We agreed that these rats were of course cleverly disguised voles; Mole and Vole would never have worked well as a named partnership nor been so popular so Ratty was not doubt born as result.

After the arm crushing hedge trimming we went out for a cycle, after half a mile and with only half the right amount of air in both my tyres and lungs we stopped. We did see either a grouse or a sparrow hawk (middle aged sight cannot be relied upon) and three deer that were very close by but over the wall in the deer park itself. We struggled back home, cycling up the muddy hill and collapsing onto the couch for lunch and an hour’s recovery coma.

On the creative side we’ve written two new songs from scratch this week; “Time of your life” and “Modern life” (maybe too much of a life thing going on there). Whatever it means we’re on target to demo a mixture on brand new and older songs prior to our next recording venture in Germany with Martin at the end of March. Good progress.

Original lyrics are not easy to write but we soldier on, anyway - but imagine if Frank Zappa had invented the George Foreman Grill it could have been the Frank Zappa Fat Zapper.

Detox diary (zzzzzzzz)

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Detoxing the impossible

This detox thing hasn’t worked out the way I thought it would at all. I’ve (faithfully) stuck to a not unreasonable regime of fruit and veg and simple meat and fish and avoided caffeine and sugar and wheat and dairy. I’ve felt a little listless and always close to having a headache (though it has failed to materialise). My energy levels are low however and I feel like I have no huge appetite for life. This is not me. Is this how vegetarians are all the time, living life in slo-mo? I expected to have real headaches, brown urine, bright eyes and a clearer thinking mind than I’ve had for years. I thought that great clear beams of powerful ideas and inspiration would penetrate my frazzled mind as it fed and grew strong on the pure organic, clean unsalted fuel I was pushing it. I thought that cup after cup of clear water would flush my system, breaking down blockages like some evangelical message to all my deepest inner pipes and tubes. Blast after blast would drain me out and leave a jet washed system eager and ready to perform. All would shudder and judder with the pleasure of having not to break down all those complex molecules and fats and sugars that made up the junk (mixed with good stuff) that I ate. Well none of that happened.

Ok, it has hardly been a bad experience; it has just left me a little cynical about the “power” of eating the right things, whatever they may be. I know that a hangover sucks and that indigestion is horrible, any kind if suffering following over indulgence is bad, but what about the good time, the pleasure and the high that preceded it? There’s a whole big control thing going on in the way that food and eating habits are portrayed by the various media gods and by politicians. Do the right bloody thing but for what? It has to be about balance not the saintly and stupid bickering and badgering about food we are constantly subjected to. It’s good to eat simple ordinary food, vegetables and chicken cleanly cooked, but it’s good to eat fish and chips or KFC or drink six pints of Guinness if that’s what you feel like doing. As you may imagine after a week of bland food (not impressive I know), hot, sweet, spicy and tasty anything becomes very attractive.

What the hell must it be like if you really were cast away as in the TV series “Lost”. Nuts and berries and the odd bit of fish, never mind the brawling amongst survivors there would be over the scraps, mind boggling. Your energy levels would plummet and your brain workings descend into some kind of thick fog. I am therefore convinced that we need a variety of foods, hot, cold and effervescing to fully function. The lesson I’ve learned is that I’ll have days when I do eat five pieces of fruit and no bread and some nice lean meats, but there will also be days when I’ll eat a curry, a Big Mac, A Mars bar and drink a bottle of wine or two. Headaches? They always pass eventually don’t they?

I’m ranting a bit; I suppose some of it is an unjustified sense of disappointment and a naive sense of “I know best”. I expected more, more than I got, but that doesn’t mean that sometime, someday I wont do it again and maybe keep it going longer. There is both a Burns Supper and the BG dance coming up...

Detox time for me!

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Night of the hunter.

A fair plague of serious hunter’s descended on the estate at the weekend all looking seriously like they were chasing after ET or some other mysterious alien prey. Many shiny 4x4s, lots of flat caps and discussions, time spent milling around and then walking around in a large group. Very interesting to observe. We also saw a young stag over in the paddock and three others just to the north of our house. I don’t think any deer were being shot this weekend and it probably was DeNiro’s finest hour and Walken’s most arduous. I never did like the bloody theme song mind you. Music in films is critical to getting the feel of the film right. We were talking about the music in “Garden State” and “The OC”, of course the best ever is “Easy Rider” where music, images and the whole time of life thing were welded together in a perfect combination, oh and Toni Basil’s in it, and then there is the movie “Oh Brother where art thou!”, I loved all that stuff.

I liked the Big Brother bit where they were in the cardboard boxes and some one (probably Pete Burns) quipped how much like a Yoko Ono exhibition it all was. Then as they spoke from inside the boxes the camera focused on their images pasted onto the outside of the box. An odd, clever, surreal piece of television. As for the rest..

Mouse Hunt

In the middle of the night the mouse hunter hunts mice, prints and paws, no time to pause, only hunt, eradicate, exterminate the vermin, terminate the rodents.

This should happen but it doesn’t, cats and mice play a long game of hide and seek when you happen to be in the right mood. If not in the right mood then sleep and ignore the little beasts, even if they are running across your nose.

What I didn’t know last week:

William Shatner recorded a version of Pulp’s “Common People”.

Detox is not really fun but..

I’m on full (for me) detox this week. No coffee, tea, alcohol, chocolate or sweets or dairy products, no bread. This week my intake has consisted of:

a) Smoothies (fruity) of various kinds and fruit juice
b) Moroccan vegetable stew
c) Fruit (apples, bananas and grapes - no real imagination)
d) Chicken breast stir fry with vegetables
e) Water

So far apart from a slight headache, brought on I suspect by a lack of caffeine I feel ok. I’m surprised not to be missing hot drinks or chocolate snacks. I am thinking a bit about double cheeseburgers mind you and I feel a little slow in the thought and reaction department. Maybe I shouldn’t be driving? I'll eat some oily fish tomorrow.

So that was Christmas

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A day in pyjamas (but not today – an other day altogether)

Read a little, made a stack of pancakes on the portable gas stove, played Sponge Bob games, rattled around a little on the PC, thought of Meccano models, watched the Simpsons and Futurama, looked at Q’s top 100 album list (utterly predictable tosh for the most part, not even accurate track listing at times). Music exists in time, the Stones time, the Beatles time, the Zep time, the Floyd time, the Bowie time, even the Nico, Rush or Ramases times. Lists are pointless but fun and good for provoking even more pointless argument. That set me thinking about the play value to toys purchased as Christmas presents so I thought I’d produce a table: and I did but it's not here...I think Nintendo triumphed.


Birds v being God

Wild birds are eating all day at our suspended table and now extended pole and hanging device thingy. They expend so much energy just getting to the food, flying around it, picking some and flying away and returning that you wonder what the point is. Well I suppose it’s all part of the circle of life for small birds and we get the strange god like satisfaction of feeding them. (So if this is what it feels like to be god, does that mean god actually appreciates us or enjoys watching us? – not likely is it!)

We did observe the most unexpected bird yesterday, a “Tree creeper”. It skips and creeps and spirals up the trunk of a tree, then across to the next and so on. At first I thought it was a small woodpecker but Ali checked the bird’s bible and came up with its identity.

Pendulums of the sky, swinging and swaying to their silent inner songs, composed and thrown away in a stream of chatter somewhere beyond my hearing.

Clouds

To those of you who are living in the clouds, where do you go on a sunny day?

Sin

To those of you living in sin, where are you living when you are good?

Cuckoo Land

To those of you living in Cuckoo Land, how did you actually get in there?

Ridiculous

To those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down with me.

Celebrity Big Brother

To those of you who now find yourselves in the Celebrity Big Brother House, what were you thinking?

On a prayer

To those of you living on a prayer, amen.

It's not a Fender Tweed Deluxe..

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Mini Amp

Packing all the pent up power of a pent up puny amp, the mini-Marshall is joy to behold and a fun piece of kit. Stick it on your belt, down your trousers, on a worktop or a couch, the dash board of your car and just tootle away on your chosen guitar. The overdrive is fuzzy and louder than you’d expect. Still to try it with a wah pedal. (It’s not a Fender Tweed Deluxe, it only cost me a couple of bucks*). Yahoo!

*Actually my son gave it to me.

Gas guzzler and sausage deprivation

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Gas Guzzler.

The kids arrived this morning along with an enormous 4x4 RC Jeep. A prize for dancing (?) musical bumps over the New Year. Rough as a badger and noisy as Guns n’ Roses it cruised around the lounge for a while, grunting and groaning and oozing menace. Once the novelty had worn down a little it retired to a windowsill – whilst the first-aid super glue set.

The quest for sausage.

We have a new George Formby (not made by Hornby sadly) Grill. It cooks sausages in 8 minutes, or 10 if you are particular, or 12 if you want them actually cooked. My sausage fantasy ran on for a few hours this morning. I finally tracked some down (it’s a public holiday) in the Co-op at Rosyth, along with a newspaper and a bottle of HP sauce. When I got home nobody was much interested in sausages for breakfast. Pop tarts, breadsticks, crisps, cola and other left over snacks were much more popular. Feeling rejected I did nothing for a few hours, then at about twelve thirty I cracked and ate four of the big fat boys on two rolls. The GF does look a little like a nineteen fifties flying saucer (see above), could that be the real reason I like it?

A Nintendog is just for Christmas...

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A Nintendog is just for Christmas..


Virtual creatures,
Juvenile teachers,
We have reached that critical stage
Where we are no longer engaged
Now all is calm and training complete
Now that your life is tied up and neat
No need to be discrete
We forgive insensibility
We can end it all so painlessly
Without responsibility
“Touch the bottom screen to delete”.


Virtual Complicity

Spoiled the cat’s fun by pining down the loose kitchen board that led to mouse land / Narnia. I reasoned that the mice will now need to find an alternative route into the house, hopefully via the garden, so not “in” at all, at that point they should encounter the scourge of all Hopetoun mice, “Syrus” our confused, nervous but at times deadly cat. Goodnight mice!

Is this a road?

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Is this a road?

For no particular reason Ali and I agreed to go for a walk today. We decided at about one thirty, but it was three before we left the house. Despite having lived here since September this is the first walk we’ve taken together. (No it’s not, we walked to the gamekeeper’s house when we first visited the area and last night, New Years Eve, we walked and drunkenly stumbled a little up the hill to see the fireworks of Fife and Edinburgh. As a bonus we heard numerous ship horns from the river Forth and startled a lot of local wildlife).

We walked through the woods to the hidden pond, large, overgrown and frozen over. Pheasants and partridges flew out of the trees in all directions and at heart stopping short notice. We walked across the moss covered concrete dam that holds the pond in check and via an old rotted gate found the road again. We followed it back around the houses and out towards the deer park. Here we saw about ten deer and one stag all staring back at us from about 400yds. They looked us up and down for a few moments and then headed for the crest of the hill as if to get a better look at us, then they vanished.

Returning to the road we met some fellow New Year strollers and then saw across the potholes and puddles of the road a red Porsche heading towards us, slowly. As he approached the driver of the 911 slowed down even more, rolled down his window and said, “Is this a road?” Clearly not all Porsche drivers have grasped some of the basics of driving and possibly reality and geography. We set him right with some reassuring advice and returned to the warmth of the cottage.

It’s been a rather sedimentary new year so far despite the two walks. Eating, drinking and couching over TV programmes and DVDs. During last night’s cooking we did manage to instigate a minor monthly mouse hunt. I thoughtlessly removed a segment from the bottom of a kitchen unit and Syrus the cat immediately moved into the underside of the unit and disappeared into the strange and confined space I had opened up. A moments panic ensued, the beef stir-fry was halted as Ali and I peered via torchlight into the gloom to try to locate the cat. The torchlight revealed shadows, fluff and mouse poo but no cat. Ali was speculating about calling the fire brigade or chopping up the kitchen floor with an axe, thankfully neither was necessary as Syrus appeared as we tapped on his food dish and dangled scraps of raw meet in front of the gap. No mice appeared to have been injured during the incident.

Oh, and over brunch we planned how best to conquer the world in 2006, happy new year!

So clean

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The range of things, the danger of things,

the persistence of the same, the remembering of the name..

Special effects, each more special than the next,

still you get it in the neck, eat your egg,

the protein's so clean, unlike the things that lie between ,

the blissful and the strange ……serene.

Scottish food

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Scottish food is the best.

Walked up to the village this morning in a bid to blow away a mild hangover and get a paper. Looked over stone dykes, across fields and fences, into woodland and gullies. When you drive you miss so much, you also stay warm, however I enjoyed the change. I’ll do it again sometime. At about 1130 a big family breakfast followed, eggy piece (French toast but Ali likes to call it this), toast, sausage, tomatoes, bacon, rolls, mushrooms and dumpling. Is there any other culture where food is cooked twice as it is in Scotland? Frying an already cooked dumpling, infact burning it until the fruit caramelizes and then eating it with brown sauce. Tastes magnificent, but you’d never expect it to, it should be dreadful but it’s not. It’s the deep fried Mars bar thing again, totally odd foodstuff rehashed and made into a work or culinary art. Those foodies on TV haven’t a clue, a bit like the Scottish Exec.

Yesterday was spent studying the effect of carrying shopping bags long distances (between shops) on my shoulder blades trying to reach equilibrium in their balance. I now know my safe loading limit and for how long it is safe to exceed it. I survived without long term damage and did feel just a little smug about getting a hutch load of Christmas presents in one visit to Edinburgh. Much of the success of this was down to Ali’s planning and navigation as we swept across the tarmac and chewing gum surfaces of the city. Favourite shop? Blackwell’s bookshop is great, the staff are helpful and we got a lot of what we were looking for. Worst shop? Well I don’t dislike the shop as much as I used to, but Habitat in the West End is looking a bit shabby – best sort it out folks.

The wild birds that we’ve started to feed are now relying upon us I think, two great tits, a sparrow and a robin. Not much compared to the summer’s Mangey bird fest in Glen Esk but a start. Trouble is round here (on a shooting estate) birds tend to get shot at so you can understand if they are less than trusting of human kind. They’re not so keen on pork scraps however; seeds and fatty bits are the most popular. The cat is of course confused by this activity – he is spending more time in the fields and getting muddy, then coming in and jumping onto your lap to share the mud.

We paint the scenery

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Painting the Scenery

Convince yourself, you may be right,
The one to fix and tell the story,
Chosen to paint the scenery,
While this play unfolds before me.

The boards are sprung and steady trod,
The words are elementary,
Design and weave this make believe
The plots and flops break gently.

They say there is master plan
Somewhere beyond the bright blue
Out where the brave dare not explore
In spaces answers dance, delightful.

You carry on your wicked ways
Entranced by glitz and greenery
To stake the higher claim they always will
Remain to paint the scenery.

Chocolate sleeping fountain.

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More sleeper types you may encounter:


Limpet. Clings to his or her partner all night very tightly. The more the partner tries to shake of the limpet the more he/she clings. Often the struggle will become territorial with the limpet clinging and pushing across to the other side of the bed. In serious cases the limpet may have either cold feet, claw like toenails, bad breath, hot breath or some other tricky or unsocial characteristic. There may be a deep-rooted emotional problem that sparks this behaviour. Take great care.

Shape shifter. These awkward sleepers try to almost get into your space by treating you as if you were the bed yourself. They try to dominate and control all bed space by continually spreading around and (in their terms) exploring the bed. In extreme cases shape shifters will lie directly upon you, taking up the exact space you are trying to sleep in.

Cryogenic Lab. A seasonal variation problem, the cryogenic lab involves sleeping in a cold and unheated bed. For whatever reason body heat appears not to be sufficient to warm the bed, the room is cold and the attempting sleeper remains cold throughout
the night. A thoroughly unpleasant sleeping experience follows which seems to extend the night unreasonably. A hot water bottle may cure this but only if applied early in the night.

Cryogenic Lab Assistant. Basically sleeping with a very cold person, one who cannot or will not warm up and who also has the ability to suck the heat from you and your space until you are both equally cold, unhappy and wide awake.

Vixen. Bringing out both the animal and maternal the vixen curls into a half crescent shape as if suckling cubs and offering protection. As the night progresses small foraging trips may take place, usually to the kitchen. The vixen at these times is looking primarily for chicken or chicken flavour snacks that are required to keep the cubs fed. The snacks will however be consumed in the kitchen, usually by fridge door light only and in great haste. The vixen suffers also from increased anxiety at this time and a fear of discovery whilst foraging. Some vixens can experience unexplained weight gains during the lunar cycle that prompts this behaviour.

I am Chocolate. The sleeper believes that he or she is a bar of their favourite chocolate or sweet. They will remain still most of the night and in a rigid state wrapped in a sheet or duvet. Attempting to unwrap them will case confusion, distress and they will awake feeling disorientated. Problem cases may wrap themselves in t-shirts, astro or space blankets or zipped up sleeping bags at other times. Please take care.

Sleep Observed

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More sleep observations.

Positions and states – all variable, inconsistent and prone to morph from one to the other:

The Pixie. Usually a favourite of the younger female, socks should be worn to enhance the full effect. The position starts with the foetal curl but then gets tighter until the body becomes as small as possible with the knees tucked under the chin. Natural elasticity prevents permanent injury.

The Orang-utan. Mainly male but occasionally female this involves participating in a nightlong wrestling match with the duvet or in extreme case the duvet and pillows. In serious cases any sleeping partner is at great risk. The arms are used to amazing effect to twist and contort the bedclothes. Orang-utan sleepers often wake exhausted and will adopt the “tired basket weaver” for the remainder of the night.

The blacksmith. Accompanied by loud grunts and sighs “the blacksmith” slams the covers, palms down as if hammering hot metal or pumping imaginary bellows. Most of the movement is of the upper body and the spaces between the signs and arm spasms can be quite long. The individuals cheeks may go red and the eyes appear to bulge, don’t worry; these signs are perfectly normal in some one working with red-hot iron.

The tired basket weaver. Face down, arms so heavy they cannot move from the side, little or no movement from any part of the body. Occasionally the face and head will turn to left or right and some pillow drooling may occur. This position was named after a series of observations were made of the nocturnal habits of members of the basket weaving communities in Kaskakpest and Bravestia in the former Soviet Union.

Singer/songwriter. Many male and female participants, lots of elbow and wrist movement taking the form of strumming an invisible guitar or playing a keyboard but always under the duvet. Often accompanied by talking in the form of “cat on the mat” or “moon in June” rhyming couplets. Extreme cases will use phrases made famous by old blues men such as Robert Johnson or Muddy Waters, occasionally garbled Bob Dylan lyrics may also be expressed but in a pseudo American accent. Should they be recited backwards take great care not to wake the sleeper as they are in very deep and highly suggestible state at this time. Some sufferers may address their lyrical outpourings to cuddly toys or cats or dogs that may be sleeping nearby.

Dream script. A very steady state of sleep, little physical movement or activity but a during it a great deal of brainpower is expended. The sleeper will often believe they are working on a great movie script like “Apocalypse Now” or “Citizen Kane”. They then awake with an irrational desire to describe every remembered detail of the script to the first person they meet. Usually this is the person that they are in bed with, sometimes however it can be a stranger on a bus, the postman or someone in an early morning café or restaurant. They should be humoured and listened to, though avoid telling them that their “idea” for a movie is great, this may deepen their problem even further.

The Algonquin. A very stiff and intellectual position, on the back, hands by the groin, head straight back on the pillow with the eyes closed but staring at the ceiling. A hardback book or heavy magazine may sometimes be laid over the eyes. At the feet will be a quality Sunday newspaper (which may have been on the bed for weeks) left open at the arts or culture section. If pyjamas are worn glasses may be secreted in the left hand breast pocket. Algonquians always use hot water bottles irrespective of the season or who ever else is sharing the bed. They snore more than most sleepers and in a peculiar staccato style emanating from the rear of the throat. Should you confront an Algonquin with even the suggestion that they snore they will attack you.

Bambi after the death of his mother. Legs and arms are folded under the body for long periods in this position, even when a bad case of pins and needles threatens. “Bambis” may imagine themselves to be covered either in leaves or snow during their sleep, they may also lick their own wrists or forearms and when in a deep sleep a “Bambi” may act as if their tongues have lives of their own. Partners of “Bambi” sleepers may find certain aspects of this endearing. They can however kick out powerfully at this time, possibly injuring those nearby. This usually takes place in the wee, small hours just before the cute and fluffy rabbits come out to graze in the moonlight.

Sex pest. Sex pests sleep face down, head to the right, right hand under left oxter, left hand on genitals. They smile a lot in their sleep and can become strangely agitated every fifteen minutes or so. Despite this they maintain this position until the alarm goes off. In the morning sex pests will usually shower longer than other sleepers. They also sing in the shower and seldom cook breakfast for others.

Gin Goblins. These people are delusional and think they need to be drunk in order to sleep, often partaking of a large gin or brandy prior to retiring for the night. Generally they have large ears, large ear lobes, hairy ears, purple ears, deaf ears, excess earwax and big red, pitted noses. They also have a lot of nostril hair, which can cause extreme breathing and snoring problems if it is not correctly maintained by a carer or their partner if either is still alive.

Radio controlled hamster. A particularly strange form of nocturnal activity, the “hamster” will begin to rotate in the bed. Starting slowly they will gradually increase in speed until they reach approximately one revolution per minute. Usually the cold night air on their feet awakes them and they return to normal sleep for the remainder of the night. Should their revolution cease at a point at the foot of the bed (the six o’clock position) they may begin to suck their partner’s toes. Should their revolution cease at the six o’clock position when the time is in fact six o’clock they ought to get up and make a nice pot of tea for their partner and have some sunflower seeds themselves.

Regressive Shepherd. These people still believe that counting sheep will get you to sleep, God knows why as there is no scientific proof of this whatsoever. It is just another daft thing that your parents told you along with:

a) The Black and White Minstrels are great – if only we could see them in colour.
b) George Formby is funny.
c) Boiled sweets are good for you and humbugs keep you warm.
d) If you dig on any beach you will eventually get to Australia.
e) The Rolling Stones will all die young (well one did).
f) Curry is bad and not natural.
g) The Sunday People is a good, truthful newspaper.
h) People who don’t cut their hedges are bad.

Sleep

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Sleep Techniques

Two major sleep induction techniques currently prevail within our household. The “paddle your fluffy canoe into the oncoming mist” (PyourC) method and “explore the forest until you find a suitable dark cave and then go inside” (EtheF). Of the two PyourC seems the most successful, not only does this method work quickly, it is highly adaptable and can be used in a number of locations and situations:

a) When horizontal.
b) When in a moving (safely driven) car.
c) When on a train.
d) Possibly after partaking of one bottle of red wine or any combination of gin and champagne.

Basically the individual puts themselves into some appropriate position from which the PyourC can be used. Once in this position a deep and satisfying sleep generally follows.

EtheF is more complex and relies upon a series of seemingly insignificant tasks being carried out within the forest. These amounts to simple exercises of exploration, some map imagining, avoiding wild animals, some orientation by sunlight or moonlight and of course looking out for caves. Caves can take time to find, particularly if the forest is thick, or flat or there are none of the right type of caves (deep and dark) about (terrain problems. Too much time searching for a cave can cause a mild sense of panic and worthlessness in the individual and that can make the search all the more tricky. When this happens a sound sleep can be hard to come by and the individual may begin to feel angry and frustrated. Don’t give way to these feelings, persist and sleep will follow eventually – on finding the cave naturally. If a good cave is found quickly, simply enter, allow the dark of the inner cave to envelope you and in no time you will be asleep.

Other sleep induction methods exist and depending on circumstances will work equally well:

1. Strange Hotel. This only works if you have drunk and eaten a great deal and are somewhere in the Midlands. A feeling of unfamiliarity is brought on by a number of powerful intoxicant drinks, some disorientation and the sound of an expelair humming in the background, these all generally assist. Some golden car park lighting or disturbing noises may also help.

2. Sexed out. A heavy feeling of fatigue, exhaustion, warmth and smugness overcomes the individual. In some ways this is a rapid or express version of PyourC.

3. Jetlag. Not a popular method as it can creep up on you at anytime after a long flight (or even during one). Usually a pain in the neck develops if not used horizontally, Jetlag sleep does not last long as a rule.

4. IanM. “In a Meeting” rarely happens; when it does it can be both disastrous and embarrassing. Best kept to be used in the cinema (as a variation) or possibly when watching a long special edition DVD in a friend’s home after a Chinese meal.

5. Coma. Usually self inflicted and can be brought on by the sum of all the sleep methods kicking in simultaneously. Best not sought after as it can be dangerous, it relies upon a series of unfortunate and tiring events running on together over a long period and finally ending as if a Boeing 737 had hit a concrete bunker (which happened to be flying in the opposite direction).

6. Artic. Pretend to be an Artic fox snuggled in a snowdrift deep in the cold wilderness. A strange feeling of mixed chill and warmth descend and overcomes you. A nice warm hot water bottle also helps set the scene. Also helpful and recommended is eating a small imaginary seal or polar bear pup early in the Artic experience.

7. Horlicks. A subtle variation on Artic, in this scenario the location is not important and the imaginary seal or polar bear consumption is replaced by a real cup of Horlicks taken prior to going to bed.

Please feel free to experiment in the privacy of your own home with all or any of these suggested methods. The list is not exhaustive. Bon voyage.

Chocolate Fountain

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Chocolate Fountain

A number of things arrived this weekend, each one shifting the tone control a degree or two further towards Christmas, parties, birthdays and the spending of money on odd, amusing and generally useless things. The second hand Nintendo Donkey Konga was the first surprise, bought in Livingstone* by means of a brilliant pocket money scam (two weeks in advance). This deadly device forces you into self mutilation on the electronic bongos as you attempt to clap, beat and boogie along with a variety of monkeys who are following a selection of sanitised tunes. It’s weird to try to keep up a rhythm to “99 Red Balloons”, Supergrass’s “Alright” and “Tubthumping” (kissin’ the night away?) and difficult not to fall into the trap of being a dumb dad who is totally unable to keep time. Is this true of our “Impossible Songs” tracks also? The Sims paid a short visit, they however will need a truckload of extra memory in order to work, bring back Lego towns and Tri-ang trains.

An outbreak of “Christmas Trees This Way!” signs has taken place on the road outside. Hardly a shock as there are Christmas trees all around us, most of which remain fixed to the ground by their own roots with no immediate plans to move. These others however, refered to by the seasonal signage will be lying like dead soldiers in the yard of the nearby sawmill. Once a healthy fall of snow has descended, at least a foot deep, we’ll don our duffle coats and squirrel skin scarves and visit the accursed spot, hand over a tenner or so and drag the fallen giant back across the snowy wastes and back to our house. Then as if in some mad transvestite ceremony devised by Prince Albert and Charles Dickens we’ll dress the dead tree up in fairy lights, tinsel and assorted tat. It’s quite fun actually – but we will wait until the week before Christmas and the tree will probably come from B&Q and I’ll have to dig the decorations out of the garage and it’ll be raining.

Mud: Sunday football a Saughton Park was a muddy affair, every time I park a huge puddle appears beneath the car so I’ve now lost all interest in cleaning it, though it now blends in with the Hopetoun / Saughton (any muddy place) battlefield landscapes like some camouflaged armoured personnel carrier. At least the boys won 6 – 3 over their Tynecastle rivals, only snag was that my little man of the match was not best pleased with his own performance. At least he did well at Donkey Konga.

I returned to find the DHL had delivered the CF, a very pleasant surprise, and an unexpected Sunday delivery of the right thing. This will form part of a big prezzie needed for next weekend as another of my offspring reaches a milestone birthday. Let’s hope that play.com can get their act together before the 25th. I celebrated by burning a load of OOTB CDs, something I’ve been meaning to do for a while as the back catalogue was running worryingly low. Now I’ve a boxful to sell on Thursday.

Next a hike through the impossible songs folder of forgotten songs. We’ve started to plan our next recording venture and now need to wade through miles of half baked ideas and lyrics in order to demo some material for our friend Martin to start work on. We sat for an hour and two decent songs emerged, “God Bless the Witch” and “Holy Men” (there isn’t a theme here, just a tight little ball of anger rolled up in our respective chests). The other songs are ones we’ve played and gigged around for a bit, though they’ll need makeovers, hopefully more good material will emerge.

* What kind of place is Livingstone, Ned capital of Scotland? Brainless and tasteless appetites given new depths? No apparent design or plan, strewn with roundabouts, big sheds, Matalans, Currys, Carpet Drivel.. .a God awful white dome housing “designer” crap and a food court (I quite like Harry Ramsden’s mind you), impossible and confusing car parking layouts and people already in a shopping frenzy. A bit like the centre of Edinburgh I guess.

Monthly Mouse Hunts Without Mice

New York NewYork

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Monthly Mouse Hunts by moonlight.

The cat disappeared for most of last night. We were in late having been at a John Byrne talk-in (John talked, we listened, Ali dozed, John talked more and a few slides of his art work appeared out of order as some kind of disconnected backdrop). We collected a Chinese carry out on the way home, ate it whilst phoning around and sitting through the vacuum that is the 9 to 10 spot on TV. The cat returned at 3am. It made me wonder whether cats have any concept of day and night or even inside and outside. They really don’t seem to care about either. Staying tense, hunting and sleeping are their main occupations. So why has Tutti Frutti never appeared on DVD or video? An ideal dad’s Chrissy present if ever there was one. Come back Big Jazza and the Majestics.

Random kinds of Actress.

Tilda Swinton (the wife of John Byrne) is playing the Snow Queen in the Lion, the Witch etc. How do you get a gig like that? I saw her daughter also last night, a dead ringer for her mum and a lot better looking than her dad. The feisty, red haired, misty and wonderful painting JB did of Tilda is however one of our favourites.

New York.

The credit card bill for the NY extravaganza arrived, what on earth did I buy at the Museum of Modern Art that cost £89 and how come I only bought £13 worth of chocolate at the Hershey’s shop in Time Square? As for the helicopter flight…