Tuesday, May 04, 2021
What Use Is That To Anyone?
Monday, May 03, 2021
A series of unfortunate events
Sunday, May 02, 2021
Last of the good girls
Actually these are the good boys but I just wanted to use that title in a blog post (also a good song title that needs to be used). I quite like this photo anyway. I'll think of some relevant content and add it in at some future content adding and editing opportunity. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. Nobody reads blogs so why not just park things in them?
Saturday, May 01, 2021
Some far away field
Not the usual blurry Luftwaffe view of pieces of industrial Scotland often seen on these and similar pages, this is a little more recent and from less of a lofty altitude. For reference the tree in the centre just at the road junction marks the edge of what is now our front garden. The retaining dyke running from there down to the left is our southern garden wall nowadays. Our house would be in the middle - in a vague area of swampy wasteland. Our swampy thoughts remain as a tribute.
A lot has changed as time rolled by but since we followed the carefully constructed clues in the treasure hunt, allowing for demolitions and the beheading of the golden rabbit and the lead whale meltdown we are now home. We eventually found the missing pieces and inherited the lost kingdom of pinkish blocks and unmarked burial mounds. There are ghosts of course but we make our peace with them on a daily basis by offering the smoky bread and pale whisky to whatever ancient god will bother to listen. One tip: never wail at your demons, it simply makes them stronger.
Friday, April 30, 2021
Horrible Grapes
Yesterday I was horrible to Waitrose so just to maintain a balanced output I'd like to say these grapes that I bought from Tesco are about the worst I've ever tasted. Seedless and with a strange taste from both the red and green. Bad medicine in the guise of fresh fruit. Avoid these at all costs - £2 a punnet.
Supermarket fruit is of course notorious for being tasteless and having a short life span (because it's been factory farmed out of any sensible season and flown here in the hold of some cargo jet). Yet we persist in buying the stuff, expecting the best and not getting it.
Stupidity is pretty much defined as doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. Retailers don't really care as long as there's a "range". We didn't ask for robot tills, artisan bread counters and unseasonal produce but we got them. Oh, and much as I like Aldi, their fruit isn't up to much either.
Thursday, April 29, 2021
If it's still too long let me know
We can all feel the pain of the poor copywriter here, it's better to be looked over than overlooked. How many marketing eyes checked this before it was issued? I suppose you could be crude and add "as the Bishop of Bath and Wells said to the actress" in a very old school, jokey way.
Having said that vegan fish fingers made from breaded tofu infused with seaweed flakes do not really belong in a world that I want to live in. Nobody ever said "I could murder a vegan fish finger right now". Sometimes choice and privilege go too far.
Frankly I've always thought Waitrose was a wee bit shit, their store in Morningside Edinburgh is a tatty, pokey mess filled with overpriced products and shuffling, confused people like me (pensioners) hoping for a free coffee, but that's just my somewhat jaded opinion.
Wednesday, April 28, 2021
Angry Traveler Blues
Don't want to buy a minivan or travel up north
Hot dogs, black coffee, Coca-Cola and beer
Traveler's fare, recycled air and more traveler's fear.
A big thanks to Covid for stompin' on my shoes
Tuesday, April 27, 2021
eBay Channel
Hi, you can purchase this great colourful sonic beast on my eBay Channel right now for anything around £99,999; maybe slightly less or make some very decent offer and in so doing give me financial palpitations. Stupid bids and slightly intimidating messages are also welcome but only up to a point.
I can assure you that this block of wood has never belonged to any of the guitar greats, been played by them or even been in the same room as them, nor have any of them set fire to it or rolled a joint on the back of it or sniffed up any Charlie from the scratch plate through a milk shake straw. It seems those days are long gone but go on and smash that like button anyway.
Perhaps it's too boring for you, so I could, for a small fee, forge a celeb autograph and scrawl some daft message onto the front. Otherwise it's a fine and tuneful instrument in the hands of a fine and tuneful player, non-players will struggle however. We always negotiate with prospective buyers in a very civilized manner despite the reservations we may have about what we know about you and your life choices and motivations. Over to you.
However as a mere mortal you can buy what you like but you can never own Excalibur:
Monday, April 26, 2021
The Dig
A very interesting archaeological discovery was made today in the ancient foundations of the chicken coop that once stood proud against the ravages of time at the bottom of our medieval garden. An early 21st century craft beer bottle was found whole and embedded, not in amber as is customary with this sort of find but in a mysterious substance that I suspect to be incorrectly mixed Blue Circle cement/concrete.
The bottle's original contents were gone however and it was filled only with a murky brown liquid that may well be muddy water. We await the results of the chemical analysis and the carbon dating process. The humans that placed this object there are now long gone and there are few remaining traces of their clearly primitive civilization, their artifacts and dark religious practices.
All we can do is gaze in wonder at the little that remains of a baffling lifestyle and hope that other forms of historical evidence or clues pointing to whatever purpose they may have had in their bizarre lives will be discovered as the excavations continue. Scottish history remains a baffling conundrum of conflicting fact, fiction and fabrication. Were they the good guys or the bad guys in the warped weave of the colonial tweed, or just hapless victims? If only a reputable intellect like Neil Oliver could shed some light on historical events with a well photographed but vacuous TV show.
I've already been in contact with the Discovery Channel and I can say (in the strictest confidence) that the offers are pouring in from museums and institutions all across the globe for this priceless and culturally significant object. You just never know what treasures are hidden there, maybe only a few inches below your tired and itchy feet as you mow the battered lawn.
Sunday, April 25, 2021
River
Is it my maker?
Am I the breaker?
Has it come too soon?Saturday, April 24, 2021
Unrelated Imagery
Friday, April 23, 2021
Technology makes life easier
It certainly does and a big shout out and round of applause for the brave explorers and academics who push out against the boundaries - from time to time.
Thursday, April 22, 2021
Living for the death of the SUV
However I have come to be bored with the focus group school of design of Sports and Utility Vehicles; SUVs. It's become that simple. They are everywhere, every manufacturer has a series of them in various contrived sizes. All with slim and beady eyes, full of marketed as practical but useless features, round and cynical facial expressions, odd interior spaces and cubby holes (where the spare tyre used to be), riding high and mighty, tailgates that open in numerous ways, 4WD options nobody needs and all too big and awkward for our economy sized parking bays, roads and driveways and worst of all ... silly names.
In conclusion, here's a random and insipid SUV design for you to enjoy in all it's mediocrity. It could have come from any one of the major manufacturers. Unique and inspiring as a medium priced flat screen TV, washing machine or a tumble dryer. I know car sales have crashed due to Covid but I suspect there's maybe more to it. Don't get me started on EV design either.
Wednesday, April 21, 2021
And another other thing
As somebody who remembers carbon paper and Banda machines I can only say that the entire "printing" industry for home and office computers is built upon the biggest conspiracy and criminal fraud in modern history. I've never known a printer that wasn't an expensive piece of shit destined to let you down when you need it most. Never mind the enormous con job that allows stupid little ink cartridges to be worth more than solid gold or crack cocaine. In 40 years little has improved.
Only the other day (as part of a freelance project I'm working on) the pack of PDF instructions was conveniently emailed rather than printed and posted to me. There's one print job that wont ever be happening on my patch. I suppose small pieces of some useful planet are being saved ...
I probably have to type out a message like this every few years just to clear the grit and smog from my soul, like some fugged up diesel particulate filter, so I'm not going to apologize.
Tuesday, April 20, 2021
Food for thought
Not quite thought of this issue in this way before. Good graphic whoever came up with it, whatever prepackaged bundle of truth and lies you might choose to believe.
Monday, April 19, 2021
The Age of the Nose Bleed
It's come to that awkward point on my journey into happily aging (from the River Forth to the River Styx) where nosebleeds seem to happen now and then. There's no rhyme or reason, no obvious stress, no anxiety or physical explanation other than wear and tear and too much sniffing and breathing. "As breathing is my life, to stop I dare not dare", (as a wise man once said).
So I don't intend to be stuck with this problem, no, I'm calling in an expert, a Doctor no less. We'll have a clinical and chilly Zoom consultation. I'll get a sweet seven minutes of the Doctor's time and I'll pack that time with all the virtual nasty nasal evidence I've carefully gathered, except for the cotton buds I burned on the bonfire. I hope it gets me somewhere, even if it's just to the back of the queue. Then, as darkness descends, I'll dive into the mysterious, experimental corridors of the Ear, Nose and Throat Wing. "Next!"There's always an enterprising engineering answer out there for a temporary fix when you're suffering a physical inconvenience i.e. Tena pants. Such devices are never pretty, only functional and of course Amazon get them to you faster than the fire brigade. Now it's a new routine when I step out on a sunny day in my brilliant white T shirt: phone, wallet, keys and a handy man-sized pack of RhinoPinch, check! For safety, confidence; man-sized and for your own smoking pleasure. Takes me back.
Sunday, April 18, 2021
Lovely Eggs
Posh and lovely eggs from the Cotswolds, almost too lovely to crack open and eat. It's not going to be easy but it will have to be done, just not quite now, they still need some looking after, some respect. They've traveled a long way to be here. Modern logistics and their packing and distribution methods are remarkable and often unappreciated by people like me, in what are commonly known as the chattering and blethering classes. Please note: sorry for any confusion if you happened to have googled the band "Lovely Eggs" and arrived on this page, (the Lovely Eggs are a two piece lo-fi psychedelic punk rock band from Lancaster, England. They consist of married couple Holly Ross and David Blackwell. Ross was formerly the lead singer and guitarist in the all-female band Angelica). You can find out all about them here.
Saturday, April 17, 2021
Friday, April 16, 2021
Dog asleep in a car park
Looking out the window (I was hearing voices as usual, strange spectral chants and sunny harmonies) I noticed this dog, curled up and sleeping in the sun, lying in the car park next door on the warm asphalt. Not a care in the world, or so I like to imagine.
Keep checking in for more content like this; sights, situations and opinions of little use or consequence.
Thursday, April 15, 2021
Walrus Trouble
One of the strangest comics I've seen with a very well thought out (?) origin story that rivals anything DC or Marvel could ever have come up with: [from the text above] "From the moment Mr Brown had eaten a magic pill given him by a gipsy he turned into a walrus. He had kept his secret but it seemed now that it was bound to be discovered." In the first picture he has a bit of Homer Simpson look about him ... it's probably all a well worked hoax.
Next up a surreal school dinner drama that's not really for children: "The Rich Red Revenge of the Rhubarb Pie".