Jimmy Squibb and Radio 2

impossible songs

impossible songs

In weaker moments in evenings and when driving in fog I listen to Radio 2. Tonight on Mark Radcliffe's show I encountered the tale of Jimmy Squibb, a speedway ace from the 50s to the 70s. With a name that could have graced any action strip in a copy of the Victor or the Eagle he has emerged from historic obscurity and is alive once more as a two wheeled legend. I used to watch speedway on black and white 425 line TV when I was a kid, a bizarre motorcycle and mud fest that lacked the frenzied leaps of the scramble tracks but I absorbed it anyway(there was nothing else on). Funny but I never did hear of Jimmy. Speedway's probably got a huge following in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe now and Jimmy Squibb (with two bs) will, no doubt be a cult hero - if only I'd known all of this sooner.

Food & Thought Police

impossible songs

impossible songs

Things that are not quite right but we're stuck with them:

Hot Cross buns being on sale, all year and always on BOGOF offer in Tesco.
The demise of seasonal fruits.
Brick hard strawberrys forced grown in Kenya or Holland and appearing on supermarket shelves like late, confused tourists leaving a flight.
Easter eggs available from January.
Mother's Day, Pancake Day and Valentine's Day all running concurrently.
Daft and excessive packaging on things in general.
Where are Macintosh Apples? All that you get are pink insipid things, or (green) Golden Delicious.
Why the hell are smoothies so expensive? Who is kidding who here?
The way the labels on bacon always cover the fatty bits.
Non-standard sizes of Mars Bars. There should be one size (normal) for a Mars Bar. How else are you expected to work, rest and play on one?

Another visit to Aberdeen, nice lunch, nice ice cream, cold weather, daughter and son-in-law's flat inspected and found to be rather good, complete with high BG factor and sitting in a swish area full of Bentleys, Range Rovers and cake shops.

Mr Cougar is unwell thanks to some faulty pipework, a little like me on some Sunday mornings.The downside is that his pipes must come from Detroit, Ebay, Hong Kong or somewhere crazy and because of all the strawberrys on the plane they can't get a seat, not even in the cattle truck part till Monday.

The global markets can work for and against us all it seems.

Heart like a big wheel

impossible songs

impossible songs

Heart as big as a wheel, carbon on the valves, leaks in the matrix. It has been a busy week and today marks only Thursday.

Valentines are good things, great when you get one all to yourself. I got an electric one that has it's very own brain. Actually a modern man/woman machine replicant that cannot be confounded or stopped. Like a nuclear ferret on speed it seeks out the correct answer for that eternal burning question: "How much do I love you?" The current pulses all its yellow life around the universe and back any number of times, I don't quite understand it. It's more complex than a Torchwood plot and more dangerous than the underside of Cardiff during a solar eclipse, and as Life on Mars returns for a second series but without the meaning my question gets a better and more correct and unique answer everytime.

The answer is of course YES and 6 cream eggs.

Other answers could be: YES and a Vauxhall C'mon toy. YES and a balloon. YES and a bunch of tulips. YES and a visit to the cinema. Love is a wonderful thing.

Carbon

impossible songs

impossible songs

It can get everywhere and be everywhere. That delightful dark material, that building block, that black gold, that factor of fear and fun and scary emission figures. Now if it's on your valves just what do you do? The carbon moves in mysterious ways and I for one wouldn't have it any other way. Valves do stick from time to time but once freed the roar and the power are things of a rare and focused beauty. And as for the heating matrix...

Now I lay me down to sleep to dream of BOSS DR880 (or whatever number) drum machines.

International class catering

impossible songs

impossible songs




Birds on wires etc.

The meaningless mess of various fast food outlet's signs grow and grow whilst we spectate from our queue of hostile traffic. Then I start thinking "what would the correct one be for ours?" Surely "International House of Fish Pie" (IHOFP), or simply "Pie House", a title that works on so many levels. Then there could be "International House of Pasta" (a second stab at IHOP) or just "International House of Grub" (IHOG).



At this time of year I always take a few moments to apply a liberal amount of Vaseline to the seals on the doors of my car. Firstly because it keeps the pesky magpies away (they don't like the taste) and secondly it's very good for those wintery chapped hands we all suffer from. It doesn't do much for self inflicted steam iron burns or the little rash you may get between your toes however, these need proper medical care. Thirdly it stops the car doors sticking when it's frosty. A wise young man in Boots the Chemist told me this once whilst stuck between flights at Heathrow Airport.



Today I took a spade and like some traditional French "old man of the road man" attacked the nasty potholes in our unmade drive. Various bits of rubble and bric-a-brac were deposited in a vain attempt to soften the many blows we are taking in the bumper and lumber department. A fair days pay for a fair days work I say (I don't know why), so the pothole wages are red wine and sushi and the chance to meet and pass the time with some genuine townies who are out for a walk with their ugly dog.



Today we are listening to:

CBQ "Anthology"


Aberdeen v Celtic (on the steam radio)


The Greatest Hits of Jefferson Airplane


Two songs by the Eagles, the names of which escape me


Cats purring and tumble driers whirring.

Departure from reality

impossible songs

impossible songs

Today has been Thursday all over the UK, I imagine without exception. Our law system has been placed under a small threat by the Archy of Canty but that gay blade and son of the manse Dr Broon stepped in at the eleventh hour at half past five and waved the rules. We are all spared but extradition is still possible. Meanwhile interest rates are falling by a quarter of a percent and so are spans of attention. England beat the poor neutral Swiss 2 - 1 and who really cares about that. Traffic is building up but me and my motor skipped around it all via Dalmeny listening to an epic song by Elbow "Grounds for Divorce". My car has comfy seats so I can relax at long last. Home and I ate the scramble eggs and toast that I had made only a few seconds before, what a coincidence and few crumbs to contend with. Now it's milk and whisky all the way and I hope to sleep until morning.

Favourite crisp: Kettle Chips au naturelle.
Favourite CD (this week): Trout Mask Replica.
Looking forward to: New Goldfrapp CD next week.
Favourite toothpaste: Macleans in a squirty tub.
Favourite Microwave: Sharp "Express Cook".
Favourite socks: Scoobie Doo Christmas Special.
Looking forward to: Arrival of mini helicopter.

Toll Free

impossible songs

impossible songs

Come Monday the great toll-free time of our lives begins when after 40 odd years the Forth Bridge is free to use. Perhaps as a gesture the redundant booths could be used to hand back shiny pound coins to the many jaded motorists who have faithfully paid for God knows what during the life of the bridge. I'm not counting my free range chickens yet though, I imagine that the price of oil will rocket up a little more so the others can keep up with Shell and the money saved on the toll will end up in the tank. In the short term I'm reclaiming the streets and dodging the pot holes.

Curry sandwich. Today I ate lunch in a west coast eatery and wishing to avoid a full meal opted for a spicy chicken club sandwich. What I got was an enormous cold chicken curry divided between small triangles of bread complete with a tiny but healthy salad. Memo to self: avoid the spicy sandwichs in future (that means stick with crayfish and rocket from Pret a Manger).

Carbon on the valves - one of my favourite phrases from the movies.

Don't bomb the East Neuk

impossible songs

impossible songs


This is the view from the "summer seat" at Cellardyke Harbour. My grandmother spent every sunny afternoon sitting at this spot for many years, talking to friends, neighbours and passers by. Everything seemed to be at a slow and easy pace and the talk was of the past, the dead and the old days. I spent my first year in nearby Dove Street before moving away to the cranes and noisy docks of Rosyth. I came back numerous times but I never felt at home or at ease - there is something in the air here that is not good for me. The narrow, shaved and salty streets, the squawking gulls to whom fish are now a luxury, the cruel barbershops and the ghosts of my dead fishermen forefathers all now drive me away and leave me uncomfortable. I choose to be elsewhere, away from this corner of Fife.

Small towns and communities can at times turn in on themselves and foster a hostile, insular and fearful outlook and mindset that promotes uncertainty towards change and mistrust of anything from the wider world. I see this now manifesting itself in the language of my aged mother who has become stuck in the communal mind of Cellardyke in the 1930s. There is no escape either, with each circular spiral of memory she is regressing back into the homespun and well meant but dangerous "wisdom" that her mother and father cobbled together at the turn of the last century and ignorantly used to infect an entire generation. Old age is a trap if you allow it to be and it can quickly snap you back to a childish and feeble state where all the worst things are possible and nothing good ever happens. So blame it on the kirk, the schools, the poverty, the herring, the culture, the war or the Churchill government: nothing makes any difference now, the past is not a good place to be stuck in.

Primitive

impossible songs

impossible songs

List of the improbable:

The warm snow of January.
Clear and dry motorways.
Not liking a fish finger sandwich.
Red dawn, red sunset.
Switching off all appliances.
A Christmas tree that does not shed it's spines.
Tricky situations made easy.
Locked up in Parliament.
Headlines that make sense.
White wine that tastes like red.
Toilet breaks at the right time.
Three out of four speakers working.
Sustained activity.
No junk mail or spam, ever.
Frost that is not frozen.
Liking a cold wind.
No head injuries whilst doing DIY.
Primitive sophistication.
A degree of doubt that is certain.
Three yoghurts in a row.

Small things

impossible songs

impossible songs

In the grip of small things:

Shelves and a grand panoply of odd items.
The use of tools and implements.
Dreams about the tooth fairy and ufos.
Friends drop by after 30 years - in a marvelous manner.
Drinking whisky till two and time slipping away.
Understanding that memories are a primitive form of time-tourism.
Finding out about food and being left wondering...
It was the best of times it was a Sunday morning sleep in.
I drove to Pitlochry in the the rain and in the dark only to be waved down by a man with a torch who turned out to be my son.
33.2 mpg at a steady 75.
The wonders of a model helicopter that you fly in your lounge.
Having a small helicopter take off from on top of your head and not thinking that to be strange.
Sorting out a credit car mess and feeling satisfied.
A dangerous light-headed feeling threatens.
Music.

New Shoes

impossible songs

impossible songs

Things I have been doing over the last few days:

I bought emergency new shoes in Asda as the current pair had sprung a difficult leak.
Visited my mum in hospital and then met a school friend (who works in the hospital) whom I hadn't seen in 40 years.
Received a welcome postal package of fine art work from two of my (under 4s) grandsons.
Visited OOTB and saw two brilliant acts and talked to a guy (aged 71) who had built and was playing his "glute" (guitar and lute) - marvelous stuff.
Bought a new set of tyres for Mr Cougar from Farmer Autocare.
Ate some cannelloni with Ms Ali Graham.
Got my January Cream Egg and also ate it.
Listened to the wind blow.
Visited a new Aldi in Dunfermline where I purchased three packs of Ritter Sports and a bottle of wine.
Booked a flight to Birmingham with my £75 credit from Flybe.
Got a track played on a New Jersey podcast show (second this month).
Filled an ipod nano and an ipod shuffle with tunes.
Thought a little about Heath Ledger and Brokeback Mountain and 10 Things.
Saw half of Torchwood.
Scaled the heights and plumbed the depths.
Researched Egypt and various dark materials and prepared to sort out the felt tip pens mess.
Cleaned the kitty litter.
Browsed the web and read some emails.
Slept soundly for no good reason.

Ancient Egypt was not cold

impossible songs

impossible songs

It was so cold this morning that I nearly cried, I was chipping ice from cars and pouring warm water over their frozen locks. This is not a civilised way to be. It makes you understand why life began in the Middle East or the bosom of Africa or Cyprus or some other where that is warm. Temperature is important for growth and welfare. Some crazy misfits must have migrated to Scotland, driven away by their lords and tyrants, rulers who couldn't put up with their constant jabbering, their incomplete personal hygiene and their ability to do nothing for long periods of time. We here in Caledonia are those people from that lost and unkempt African tribe. Mind you we did in the process escape from a somewhat bizarre set of cultural and religious beliefs. Unfortunately whilst on the long road out of Egypt we came up with a few daft pagan ideas ourselves, these morphed into Christianity, the Masonic Lodge and Conservatism which thanks to Dickens, Henry Ford and Spike Milligan have turned into the absurd spiritual systems and political practices we tolerate today. Frying pans and fires I suppose. As William Wallace once said when asked about the cancelled football fixtures "If it was not so cold in Scotland we'd have invented cold and exported it all across the world before selling out to the Japanese". It's a gift really and you can get all these facts on a novelty tea-towel at our local petrol station.

Do what thou wilt

impossible songs

impossible songs

Unfortunately the January cold is causing us to wilt. Thoughts stop and coughs cackle in the background. MRSA runs rampant. The chill fog descends. Normal folks have cravings for deep fried chicken suppers and lashings of tea. Your breath freezes in the air and your toes are numb. Potted plants refuse their water as they stiffen in their pots. Going out is painful and coming home to a cold house is like jumping into an October swimming pool in the north of Spain. Windscreens become cryogenic coffins for early morning inhabitants and the TV, glowing warmly in the corner is not at all interesting. Cats have cold paws, handles nip your fingers and ears grow pink, then red, then numb. We go to bed early and rise early and work early, crawling like vampires and lost ghosts. The bathroom light dazzles cutting across the mushrooms lazing in your sleeping head. A warm shower is temporary refuge but no shield from the myriad infections floating and hanging in the still air. January's nearly over and I've not eaten a single cream egg so far.

Mr Cougar at home

impossible songs

impossible songs

A new and hairy pussycat has come to stay with, we don't know for how long but his name is Mr Cougar and unlike the smaller variety of cats we own he doesn't chase mice - yet. He also has a rather nice Ford Zetec 2.0 engine which purrs most of the time, hopefully it will be a long while before it clanks, pings or even worse clonks. The purring is a good sign, my limited experience of real cats and real cars tells me so.

His first run out into the wild was to Ikea on Saturday as part of a small convoy (one other). Like many families we arrived there, shuffled around, sat on things, lay on things and queued for various kinds of warm foodstuffs. We exhibited the classic "grand-mall confusion and size unbelief" as well as "mild indecision" and some "loss of bearings". We also drank weak coffee and bumped into fellow customers carrying trays of similar food items. The kids ate squishy ice cream (which I failed to capitalise on) and my daughter Erin got an unexpected bargain. After a while we emerged, blinking back into the sunlight and then crammed our well chosen and ultra useful things (two stuffed hedgehogs, a rat, shelves, frames, a rug, two plants and a mail box) into Mr Cougar's large boot.

We went home and unloaded - shopping is quite simple and pleasant really. The Ikea food effect wore of and as tea time beckoned I surprised myself and a few other people by somewhat experimentally, nicely roasting some sweet potatoes, peppers and onions in honey, all to go along with the previous night's left over home botched curry - now strangely enough more tasty and potent. It was possibly the best meal of the month and if I hadn't had to head over to Fife it would have laid me out nicely on the couch for the rest of the evening.

Cars and deamons

impossible songs

impossible songs


Blogs are our deamons these days. Little virtual alter egos that inhabit our personal space and allow those around us a brief glimpse into whatever has currently taken up the small attention span we were born with and have failed to develop. Reading blogs from any source is a mixture of fun and hard work but when seen as a kind of homework for the soul can be rewarding. Producing a blog is also something of a cry in the dark which renders some posts particularly poignant as we all struggle to find meaning and value in whatever has gripped us during the day. Those who remain outside and aloof (with a blog deamon) may be ina less exposed position but also lack the milestones and references those blog entries create in a life and any given day.

Car anxiety. I’m looking for a new (different) car. At first I though I knew what I wanted but then, once I’d started looking and pricing and worst of all thinking about a car it all became complicated. There seem to be a number of variable factors in this, the first being money – the buying budget and the running costs. These elements drive a wedge between the aspirational, heart based purchase and the economical and practical head based purchase. Inner conflict is guaranteed and is not easy to resolve. Then there are the practical and mysterious ways you have deal with the motor trade, a curious and ill mannered bunch generally that I presume everybody views with suspicion. Engagement is not easy, grumpy men and side glances and hot engines and frosty windscreens on cold days are not attractive. It seemed like a good idea then to explore the web and try Auto-Trader and Gumtree and the like and see what’s on offer, of course there are so many out there, all waiting to break down or fall apart the moment after you commit. It’s like a bad marriage waiting to happen. One diversion however is to avoid the car sales sites and just play around with the sites that sell personal numbers. Like a mad and expensive game of Scrabble you can get close but never near to that perfect number / phrase or name. If you did then no doubt it would cost ten grand any way and already be the property of the Duchess of York or somebody.

Cars that look likely purchases are: A Ford Cougar (heart), a Nissan Primera (head), a Honda Accord (heart with a bit of head), Freelander (possible insanity), Suzuki Vitara (definite insanity), Saab 9.3 (heart and some head), I’m going to have to discuss matters with my trusty deamon.

Scrubbed Up

impossible songs

impossible songs


A rare moment showing us scrubbed up rather well and with a certain amount of welcome bling-bling things going on. The occasion was Kate and Les’s glorious winter wedding back in December – on the 27th to be exact. The wedding was one big party and we all had a great time with many new variations on Scottish celebration themes being successfully explored. The many music stands are not part of our equipment.

London & Take That

impossible songs

impossible songs

Above is a marvelous picture of London, layer upon layer from the cold water to the blue sky. Taken by Ali one bright and chilly January Saturday morning (Ali having spent the previous evening in the company of Take That and a BeeGee and various other celebs). I naturally stayed home and kept the cats and various vagrant mice company whilst dreaming of a Ford Cougar 2.5 auto – a car that will never be green but always cool.

Speaking of never being green (and I am a little) I refuse to wash out empty salad cream bottles (we had some and consumed it at Christmas) and mayonnaise jars and thereafter recycle them. Has anyone ever tried this? It takes enough water to irrigate the Seringetti just clean the rim, so I’m sorry but these have to go straight into the bin. I dread the day when this kind of behavior will become a criminal offence.

If we are to teach our children that Middle Earth’s history is in fact that of (central) Scotland then I think it important that for anthropological and archaeological reasons we agree on the locations of the various key places. The Shire is of course most of Fife, Rivendell is Dollar Glen, the Grey Havens are Cellardyke Harbour, Mordor is somewhere in a the area of Falkirk, Armadale and Bathgate, the Dead Marshes are by Grangemouth, Minus Tirith is Limekilms/Charlestown and Smaug the dragon’s lair is up the M90 somewhere after junction 4. I hope this will help puzzled school teachers every where get their facts right, they (and their unfortunate pupils) know little of Scottish history or WW2 but loads about the unification of Italy, the beers of Belgium and the Great Fire and pork shortage of Peking in 1908.

Heavy Metal Guilt

impossible songs - Lost again

impossible songs


Presbyterian Guilt amongst other things.

Scratch an East coaster and you’ll pretty quickly get to the engine room of the Scottish psyche, the one and only inbred little time bomb that controls and cripples half of this nation, Presbyterian Guilt. An invisible, mighty and misunderstood force that creates and promulgates impromptu and automatic apologies for living, breathing, eating, sleeping and taking up valuable space on this earth. If you are doing anything beyond these things it’s even worse because you "don’t know your place" and slightly beyond that "you don’t deserve to be there (or here)". This extreme behavior is triggered by illness, success, winning the lottery, being on your deathbed, getting caught out at something and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Guilt is the great corrosive cancer of our time controlled by the SMG, BBC Scotland, the Daily Record and some of the more agile minds in Holyrood. It’s been with us since the Reformation, having it’s first full guilty piece of incendiary bombing in the burning of a few thousand witches, imagine having that on your conscience. Let’s hope that a few more generations of Polish, English and Asian immigrants dilute it all down a little. It is understood that the Church of Scotland is squeaky clean on this, they are so detached from seeing any meaning in modern or ancient religion that they would never try to capitalize on it… or have they by stealth?

Rumour also has it that there is an independent primary school in West Lothian where small children are being taught from the Lord of the Rings and told that it is ancient Scottish history. Copies of Oor Wullie, the Broons and the Dundee Courier are regularly burned in the playground. It will be interesting to see if their levels of guilt are reduced over time compared to those who have stuck with a more traditional educational path.

For West coasters I should also say that they are not without the somewhat significant equivalent, namely Catholic Guilt. Possibly more extreme and abstract and quite worryingly a worldwide phenomenon that knows no bounds, just imagine half a billion guilt ridden Hispanics and a few hundred folks from Motherwell purging themselves after watching an episode of Ugly Betty. At least Presbyterian Guilt is limited to our green and pleasant land and shores, bits of Germany and the buckle of the Bible Belt where it seems no intelligent human life has been detected so far. I’m surprised they haven’t started a heavy metal chapter yet that could tour Scandinavian in the summer illustrating their points with pigs heads on stakes in an attempt to win converts amongst the young and the bewildered.

Just in case you’re wondering about me, (and I am wondering about me), I don’t really believe that there is a great sectarian or tribal dotted line that crosses Scotland with age old rivalry and a territorial bias. That would be ridiculous though it might be wise to check now and then on Google Earth in case the picture ever changes. Someone might have a new satellite fitted with different and more sophisticated sensors financed by the people that gave away the Nobel Peace Prize. The whole idea of visible particles of division and ways of seeing them is a crazy flight of fancy and totally unacceptable in our modern, enlightened, Adam (bloody) Smithed, New Labour infested heartland. It’s all just another heavy metal guilt trip.

Ex-happy mouse

impossible songs

impossible songs

The unhappy modest mouse

Today a local mouse was made rather unhappy; firstly by two kittens who were rather unsure as to why they were picking on him, other than some basic instinct was at work. The other reason being that these kittens had panicked him into running into even more danger (our house) and therefore far away from his own natural habitat and a place of comparative safety. The kittens really have no idea what to do with a mouse once they’ve cornered it. Killing it is a possibility (this was tried on Monday and seemed to work), but as their concepts of life and death are vague they preferred on this occasion to have some kitty fun with the mouse. At the moment the mouse is seeking political asylum beneath the washing machine (formerly known as the great white robot). In what may be the beginning of a long running Mexican standoff, the kittens are standing guard, unsure as to what may happen next.

I should also mention that the mouse first appeared in the house just as I was about to dish up a late tea for myself. There was a sharp squeak noise followed by a kitten carrying a complaining mouse through the kitchen cat flap. The mouse then escaped from the cat and tried to hide under a curtain, this confused the cats (the other was by now on the scene) and they were stuck without a plan. I had no option but to ignore my meal and try to rescue the mouse, however my attempts failed and he fled deeper into the house, all the way across it to the front door. Alas then he was caught again by a cat and I managed to chase both out of the house through the back door. All went quiet for a few minutes until in an act of wanton insanity the mouse ran back into the house (under the back door) and headed for the laundry room. It was some time before the puzzled kittens realized what had happened and came back in themselves. Somehow they sensed the mouse was under the washer and now the psychological battle between rodent and feline minds has begun.

I ate a late tea and closed the kitchen door; I’ll pop my head round later this evening to see what progress has been made. (In the end the unhappy mouse sadly became even more unhappy and "disappeared" dispute my efforts to rescue him).

A trampoline walks.

The recent high winds moved our large trampoline completely across the garden, a distance about fifty feet onto the middle of the lawn. There it now sits, a little bent but in an upright position and ready for the first springs of spring. The strategy to move the trampoline back to it’s rightful place has not been formed yet. As I recall it took four strong men (none of which was me) to put it in place when we moved house last year. It strikes me that another strong wind blowing in the opposite direction might do the job and so confirm to me the existence of a natural cycle of and for all things. I wonder how long I’ll have to wait for this to happen.

Building a better Nintendo

impossible songs

impossible songs



Nintendo Repair Course

Today I’ve discovered a new game to play on the Nintendo DS, namely taking it apart and putting it together on a regular basis. After the first three hours of fiddling however it does get a bit tedious especially when you make no progress at all in fixing the defect, in this case a damaged top screen. So I’ve taken the bloody screen out and reconnected it, at all three points about fifteen times, I’ve screwed the whole thing back together and fired it up but the newly purchased replacement screen refuses quite steadfastly to play. Probably if I were a Chinese 11 year old the repair job would have taken few seconds but for the likes of me, middle aged and cack-handed it is simply too much. It seems that even my wide ranging experiences gained in my teenage years of working within the emerging Scottish electronics industry (Bournes potentiometers 1973 –1975) has done me no good at all. It looks like it’s back to Ebay or Amazon for a replacement and no capable dad brownie points scored whatsoever.

Gay Boy Chilli

Take a pot of red meat mince, mushrooms, sweet potatoes, onions, various elements of sauce, rice and a generous portion of carbon footprint and you have the newly introduced Gay Boy Chilli. The secret ingredient in the actual Gay Boy Sauce, about which we can say or reveal very little other than it is primarily vegetable based (thankfully) and is tomato orientated. After 8 hours of rampant hunger and unsuccessful Nintendo repairs it works a treat with bottle of Sicilian red wine, a cat staring at you and a portion of boiled rice.