Friday, April 03, 2009
Over use of the colon
Finding Faith on the Internet:
I’m still exploring the teaching of the Flying Spaghetti Monster as a viable means of gaining eternal life, some time after the three score and ten expire here. Failing success with that it’s looking like the offer of “Eternal salvation or triple your money back (at least $90 on a $30 subscription)” from the good but disturbing people at SubGenius is hard one to beat. There is so much out there but so little time to take it all in, absorb it and generally reject it. If I choose this then it’s grappling with the dilemma of what to wear on St Bill Hicks Day on the 13Th of April. If that fails then it’s back to Discordianism once again.
Age and wisdom:
These chase one another around your body and mind like Tom and Jerry did in the inspired cartoons of the 1940s, the ones no longer shown on TV as they are not quite PC enough. Age brings pains, slower timing for blood to clot, memory loss and a strange pain that seems based on tension that arrives in the small of your back. The world of wisdom is shaped by an increase in cynicism, successive déjà vu experiences that pass themselves of as reality, mentally completing the sentences of others in conversation, fear of books and a shortened attention span. The physical will occasionally overcome the mental and visa versa, concerns rage between the two in an incessant civil war that steals sleep and pollutes daydreams. Peace breaks out after the administration of a curry, red wine in the right glass, the smile of a child or the touch of a lover. You may also start to appreciate the world of cats, a world you can never share.
Red house over yonder:
The house of Jimi Hendrix has reached the end of it‘s life. Somewhere in Seattle they want to tear down his house, a house never painted red, probably. Of course it should be torn down and the developers should win the day but all the timbers should be salvaged, sorted and sent to the great guitar builders of the world and remodelled into sunburst Stratocaster shapes and then played and displayed in a perfect guitar shaped universe.
A banana a day:
Simple as it may seem I find it difficult to reach a certain personal goal everyday - eating a banana. Based on fear, the need for potassium (why?) and as an alternative to chocolate nobody can say bananas are bad but they are dull and if you’re stuck with supermarket ones they often appear to be a number of years old and a bit tasteless. I’m now experimenting with adding them to porridge (another neutral food) thus creating the equation dull + neutral over microwave divided by a bowl too hot to handle to the power of 650 to 800 watts allowing for the text being difficult to read in daylight. It tastes ok and Gordon Brown may well breakfast on it and add the occasional waffle but I’m still struggling.
Driving an automatic car whilst wearing an itchy jumper:
It’s not an official sport but perhaps it should be though scoring might be complex. Imagine Lewis Hamilton spinning around Monza at 200mph encased in a wiry woolly jumper, struggling with a redundant left foot and worrying about what to tell the stewards once the race is over. My position isn’t quite so tricky but the business of trying to multi task when wearing distracting clothing remains a challenge and tests the metal of any ordinary person to the limit, in my scratchy view. That horrible moment when you forget you’re in an automatic and hit the brake with your left foot when you thought you’d stabbed the clutch, you crash to a halt and the jumper collides with the back of your exposed neck as you shoot forward in the seat and are throttled by the seat belt. Shocking, itchy and irritating.