Specsavers

A day out in Specsavers: It's like some mysterious fantasy location where tunnels lurk beyond the high street entrance, like an escape room or laser quest setting, stairs, doors, tiny rooms, people peering in, people peering out, people peering into devices. Here in Specsavers there's a lot of peering. I'd not been back for over two years, I'd ignored emails and letters, the pleasant if irritating reminders that your time's up, you're an old git and you need some fresh testing and they need fresh money. I decided to make a return visit after I realized that I'd left a pair of specs in a cafe in Dundee and couldn't be arsed to go back and get them, my laziness led to my submission and maybe my salvation. 

I'm not excited about glasses at all so I have to work on looking a) interested and b) not wholly stupid. The friendly and mostly female staff jostle around like Oopa-Loompas, prompted and controlled by i.Pads that seem to know everything. It's not clear how it all works and who's a doctor, a nurse or a techy but they all get on with it and chat constantly. Were I a conspiracy theorist I might be worried about the amount of cleavage the female opticians show but I'll leave it there. I was quickly checked, photographed, temporarily blinded, puffed by tiny jets of air, followed those damn peripheral dots, read along the lines of wobbly text and, by exception had my hearing tested also. I got good results, despite staring at the sun for long periods and squinting into phones and laptops my sight has not really deteriorated, just my mind. My hearing was OK too, quite a surprise. I may well return to my once brilliant career in music.

 As a reward I was rewarded a handsome discount on any glasses over £69 (no discount on the cheaper ones, you can always go to Poundland you miserable bastard), once I'd picked a pair, the first pair I saw incidentally, the discount kicked in, I got them for £34. I don't understand this either. So now the Oompa-Loompas are busy grinding the glass and topping up the chocolate river to complete my order. Now when Tuesday comes I'll be fitted out with the £34 glasses as if they were a morning suit, a robotic arm or a coffin. I'm excited already.