Message in the Stains

impossible songs



impossible songs

Message in the Stains

Well blood stains that is, on the floor, on the cat flap, under the bed. More dead rabbit gifts ceremoniously presented to us by the cat, who little does he know it, is about to get a little cat sister to threaten this country side idyll he enjoys.

Nothing more has happened with actual stone moving message thing but we now have a squirrel living (occasionally) in the bird house, a toad living in the coal shed and great swathes of Japanese Rhubarb (Knotweed) marching like the brooms in the Sorcerer’s Apprentice across what could laughingly be described as a lawn.

The sweet music of the tumble dryer.

The Ferry Fringe Arts Festival is now looming close on the horizon. The rusty wreck that is “impossible songs” has enjoyed a few fractured practices. Slowly a set is coming together but as ever time is running out. Too many things to do in too little time with our focus... well, unfocused. Anyway I’m looking forward to a fun weekend which promises to be full of Festival activity, family stuff and a sponsored walk across that damn Forth Bridge on Sunday. The opening event is on Thursday at the Priory Arts Centre at 7.30pm. A full programme of music, comedy, static art exhibits, food and drink will be on offer, if you can make it through the traffic and down the big hill then do. You’d be mad to miss it.

Message in the Stones - 2

impossible songs



impossible songs

The message in the stones – a follow up.

We both looked at the stones for some time trying to puzzle out the meaning of the shape. We checked around the site for evidence of entry or anything that might give us a clue as to the source and nature of the disturbance. The search was fruitless as clearly the culprit(s) had left no trail or cleverly covered it. The only thing was a bird feeder about 6 metres away, cast to the ground from the green pole it had been fastened to, an incident reminiscent of last year’s crow wars at Parkhead. Back to square one then as there was no obvious connection between the two areas. The distinct U shape in the stones really tells us very little either, all very puzzling. The pattern has been formed by something digging down against the house wall and scattering the stones across an area of about 3 square metres. At its deepest the U shape is about 10cm and is 75cm across. All the stones are a grey type three, each about 10 -15 cm long, none weighs anymore that .25kg. They are all rough stones, not chips or pebbles, the kind you would use to edge a loose path or driveway.

Looking out from the spare room you can clearly see the disturbed area. Strangely and coincidently it was in this room in which that the cat became “upset” yesterday. The question is did something or someone spook him as he looked out the window? When we left the house late yesterday morning he was asleep in this very room.

Some around here saw that at dawn there is a strange glow on the Eastern horizon, a distant red ball of flame flickers and hovers, ascending through the trees and finally hovering, still and predatory like, glowing in the distance. At about this time kettles boil, pop tarts are unleashed and shower curtains are accidentally torn down. Nobody has reported other instances of the unexplained movement of stones in swirls, spirals or U shapes. It’s all a bit like crop circles without the crops and with stones instead and on a much smaller and more isolated scale. A mini phenomenon that is clearly from the vague zone of the vague unknown. What will we find there tomorrow after tonight’s activity?

When I looked out this morning (Monday) nothing had changed, hmmm....

Message in the Stones

impossible songs

impossible songs

The Forth Road Bridge is f**ked.

Yes it’s official, as sure as Gordon Brown is going to bowl right out of Fife and down the tubes at the next general election our marvellous main crossing point into and out of the fabled Kingdom is well and truly screwed. Engineers in the early 60’s made a 40 year pact with the Devil about the steel used on the bridge and in the wire supports, they cut the quality to meet the budget in exchange for some good jobs in the city, an honour or two and a lunch engagement with the Queen. Well now that 40 years are up, corrosion is the new king and you guys are not getting your souls back, no way. The rest of us of course are finding new ways to pay, like sitting in your car for an hour to experience the privilege of crossing the cloudy waters of the Forth in whatever direction and coughing up a quid for the pleasure. Nice to see that no “visionary” politician (either UK or Scottish) with anything approaching balls the size of tiny marbles foresaw any of this or bothered to speak up. What kind of people are these? A new bridge or tunnel or causeway should have been planned and been under construction years ago, any sane inhabitant of central Scotland would tell you that. Of course I’m making the feeble assumption that there is a body of sane individuals residing somewhere in the central belt of Scotland. Sorry must be my mistake.

Picnic table for the Three Bears.

Saturday afternoon was spent wrestling with the bolts and timbers of an enormous garden picnic table on the Freuchie patio (or slabbed area). It required over 40 bolts to hold the various giant sized chunks of redwood blocks together to form a piece of furniture that the Three Bears, Goldilocks and most of the cast of Shrek (whatever number of movie it currently is at) could comfortably sit at and dine around. Some of the sweat was returned thanks to downing a cool 7.6% bottle of Bud once assembly was over. Then it was path building on a grand scale (6 slabs laid) through vast swathes of jungle poppies, lupins and lavender. A bit like the cutting the Canadian Pacific line or the Trans-Siberia railway I suppose. I am still hurting 24 hours later, Ali remains unaffected apart from the sneezing fits and mild tremors. When the Tourist Board come to check us out I reckon the path alone will be enough to get us 5 stars and a Michelin gong.

Dead rabbit alfresco and indoors.

The two of us being away for a night displeases that cat it seems. I came home to find various used and abused rabbit components in the lobby and something unmentionable on the new rug in the spare room. Clear signs of his feline pussy boy disapproval for our normal adult human antics and for me the opportunity to clear up more neurotic cat generated mess. Don’t you just love them though?

The message in the stones.

Something has moved some fairly large stones around in the back garden adjacent to the kitchen window and formed them into a U shape. Some other stones have been scattered on the lawn nearby. It wasn’t like that on Saturday morning but it’s like that now on Sunday afternoon. I’m not sure I’m aware of any weather phenomenon that does this or any animal for that matter, so it remains a puzzle to me how it happened. Ali’s theories on possible sources are: Badgers, sheep, squirrels, frogs, hippies and aliens. Answers on a postcard please if you’re a secret stone mover and message sender or if you know of things/people that do this kind of thing.

A new idea.

The Travelling Wanabees held their first impromptu, informal group meeting tonight. Whatever next?

Oblique strategies

impossible songs



impossible songs

Thursday.

Spent the evening at OOTB, some decent performances and a few quite unique acts and approaches. How about 15minutes of open mike tabla drum playing (in the Hindu style) or a guitarist who also plays bells with his feet or a Canadian visitor who proudly told us what tuning he was using for every song and which string was which? Got home in a zombie state at about 00.30, drank a yogurt and promptly fell asleep, deeply. This was in itself quite fortunate as I missed the cat bringing at mouse into the room in the wee small hours, an unwelcome but well meant present for Ali once again.


Friday

The first day of June and rain and sun were the order of the day. As I was home all day I decided to mess around with guitars and the PA and worked a few things out and practised a set for the Ferry Fringe next weekend. The dining room is a complete mess as a result. One thing I’ve realised is that you can never have enough leads and you never ever have the correct combination of jacks and adaptors that you want (unless you are in Martin’s studio in Germany).

Below are a few odd thoughts recorded for whatever reason...

Writer's block material

Watching a garden full of rain and trying to connect, internally, conceptually with whatever is going on. Trying to force myself to make a plan for outcomes undecided. Carried on this ridiculous pillow of winds that finds me ever eager to move and not wallow and still hold on to a directionless compass. Spinning magnificent plates that care little for the efforts of their spinner as they overcome their own dizziness in an imaginary universe. I gawk at the broken pieces but don’t share anybody’s guilt. These plates were never mine and I did my best for then, for a short time. In my pocket is a tube of ceramic glue, guaranteed to fix broken china. I fumble with the eager tube, I hear that song from T’pau playing somewhere in the distance and I close my eyes. Some time elapses and I’m in back in my own skin, the broken plates are in the bin, carefully wrapped in newspaper and a chicken casserole is doing nicely in the oven, thank you.

The long drive home

I packed a mental suitcase with all the odds and ends and belongings that clearly don’t belong. Some are tired, some are folded and fresh, some dirty and mixed up; all retain a degree of strained usefulness however. I shall open it up and inspect and layout the contents carefully during the long drive home. Then I realise that if I’m driving I shall be unable to open the case, doing two separate things at one time is not my forte, I don’t do multi tasking. Only one answer, heave the mental suitcase out of the car window whilst doing 80 in the fast lane (I could do 80 in the slow lane). Only drivers on my wave length will notice the debris and what’s another lost suitcase. I can claim it on travel insurance.

Mindmap

I drew a map of my mind. A few oblique strategies entered into me and sat quietly in no particular order at the back. I wished a list of “isms” upon myself, all the isms in the world, all the black, white and shining bright isms cascading upon me. I drew a series of lines between each one to see the connections and reveal the patterns. “Fairytale Management”, somebody said. “Or something quite like it”. Of course I understood but grinning only slightly and thinly, (to hide my lost crown) I withdrew and allowed the lines to travel on by themselves. When I woke up they had all gone, but a fine layer of golden dust remained upon the table top.

Ferry Fringe

impossible songs

Poster by Tommy Mackay of course.


impossible songs

Ferry Fringe

Only a week or so away the Ferry Fringe is coming together. Norman Lamont will could doubt gain a lucrative book deal and possibly film rights if he ever chose to write about the many unplanned and unscripted events that surround running an arts festival in a small Scottish town. Anyway we are nearly there, the programme may have few holes in it but overall a great many worthwhile events are up and ready to run. The opening night is in the Priory Arts Centre on 7th June at 7.30 – you can get more info from the weblink on the right or from any shop, pub or bus stop in the area (and we hope a few of the weekend newspapers also).


Short Poem

Always pissing in the same sink.
Always drinking from the same bottle.
Always switching between the same TV channels.
Always waking up with the same headache.
Always scratching at the same spot.
Always repeating the same mistake.
Always running out of cash at the same time.
Always not quite in control and not sure who is.

Weekend

impossible songs

impossible songs

Saturday – Dunfermline’s date with destiny.

The final o’ the cup aka enduring a series of traffic jams eventually leading to a grim part of Glasgow where our (almost) beloved team met with an expected bitter end, but it was all fun and the banter was good - so my favourite things of this lost weekend were:

The kid’s trialling the PS2 bound for the holiday rental.
A chaotic breakfast followed by a brief return to Fife to pick up my No2 son.
Standing outside of Scotmid with a bag of soft drinks and a lottery ticket like Johnny no pals.
Watching those stretched Hummers heading along the M8 filled with partying Celtic fans.
Radio Scotland’s predicable but often funny pre-match coverage.
A brief but confused conversation with the Chinese fast food sellers at Hampden who seem to have no clue whatsoever as to what they were doing. Particularly when confronted by 17000 Fifers all wanting a Stephen’s bridie.
Everything about the game up until about 84 minutes.
Watching the distant pyrotechnics as Celtic lifted the trophy while we were heading away from the stadium.
Coming to the rescue of a bleeding Celtic fan whose van was bottled by some Rangers fans in Cathcart Road – welcome to the real world.
Reading the programme in another traffic jam while someone else drove.
A pint of 80/- in the Glen Tavern on the way home.
A marvellous platter of curry, rice, cold meats, salads, breads and rhubarb crumble prepared by Des and Ali for us all on out return to West Lothian.
The feeling that all of this is over, at least for a few years – surely.

Sunday.

More football, this time with the grandkids in tow and the 3 – 0 victory for Joe’s team.
Small children all over the place.
Getting rid of the fish tank, thanks to Erin, Guy and Tim for the heavy haulage.
A McDonald’s chicken wrap – oddly tasty and satisfying.
Watching Kiki’s Big Adventure with Olivia.
The cat returning and turning out to be in a more domesticated state of mind.
Hopetoun House horse events running along nicely in our backyard in between the showers.
More late night curry, wine, conversation and a deep and exhausted sleep.

Dancing

impossible songs and the dancing buildings of Prague

impossible songs

Dancing to the sweet music of chance.

Wednesday

The trials and tribulations of another day. After a particularly trying but exhilarating day at work I spent the evening in another world altogether. Perhaps I should have focused on the Champions League final but to be honest I couldn’t be bothered and the poor Scousers missed the boat anyway. So the music of chance was calling via a new 100w active monitor, a wah wah pedal and the digital delay circuit on our PA amp. I rigged the kit up in the dining room, a mess of cables and black speakers and blurred my way through a selection of our songs and the Beatles “I want to hold your hand”. Everything this time was at a slow speed, the delay and reverb kicking in and the wah adding an odd spectral quality, I even sat down while playing .When you’ve not played guitar in a while it all seemed like running a 10k in 40 minutes.

Ali came in fresh from a shopping spree and we settled down with a glass of wine to watch Alan Sugar stumble through his own grammatical mine-fields for an episode of that business-soap “the Apprentice”. You’re left wondering just how well you’d do under these circumstances, hawking bizarre items around London and hoping to make a fast buck by any means. There are no strategies or plans apparent, it’s a dash and a flash and for some poor soul a crash, but then it’s fifteen minutes of absurd fame before the credits roll.

Cup final fever hasn’t quite happened yet but on Saturday we’ll wend our way to the temple of Scottish football dreams that is Hampden Park. We’ll chant and sing and summon up enthusiasm for a team (Dunfermline Athletic) that on paper has little hope of winning and then, perhaps, when the hot dogs and pies are eaten, the coffee spilled under the plastic seats and the final whistle sounds we’ll dance again to the sweet music of chance.

Thursday

Where does the time go? I can’t recall what I’ve been doing (yes I can) and now a whole week has gone since my last IKEA hot dog and tepid cup of coffee

777

impossible songs - nice sofa

impossible songs

777 isn’t an album by Rush or Bush

Pray for the Lord’s return on 777!? (That’s 07 July 2007 to those of you living in a thicket). What complete and utter rubbish, as if Jesus or any other spirit being out there can be manipulated by the Bible belt’s frantic buckle flicking in some mad act of self gratification and flagellation.

Sofa so good

A brown sofa has come to live in our house. It trotted in the door and turned and parked itself in the spare room and has quite an odd but likeable attitude. You can sit on it, sleep on it and look at the garden from it. Its brownness is amplified by the bargain carpet upon which it artfully squats.

Songs of the week

These are “I want to hold your hand” by the Beatles (in G, or in C with a capo) and “Waterloo Sunset” by those strange Kinks brothers, Ray and David. We have been oohing and aahing along to them whilst admiring the tiny print upon our Cup Final tickets.

Hot dog tea but no rocket

Want Italian? Hungry for Chinese? Need and nice hot Indian meal? Pshaw! A hot dog c/w mustard does the trick every time particularly if bought from a vendor al fresco. Despite this example of an occasionally sampled high quality diet the craving for that legal drug, rocket (and spinach) never goes away – where did it spring from? I’ve added this green beast to the (growing) list of things you only begin to like once over fifty: Anchovies, olives, spinach, whisky, dark chocolate, soda bread, cress, cucumber, sweet potatoes, mackerel, roll-mop herring in brine, whole onions and rice-crispies. Mature taste buds and the inability to find things in the supermarket are the root cause of this I understand. There is no known cure.

Jumping Frogs

impossible songs

impossible songs

A frog in the toilet

It’s not everyday you come home to find a live frog your downstairs toilet. The little grey green chap was motionless and probably dazed and confused having survived some bizarre and unthinkable journey to get in there. He was found sitting under the toilet bowl, looking as innocent as any lost frog. It’s at times like these that having children around is very useful. My son, a natural frog handler picked up the frog and put him in a nearby pudding bowl. For some reason I added water and for a moment had odd thoughts about frog recipes, these passed and the frog was duly transferred outside to the rain gauge science machine aka the empty fish tank. We added a few leaves and pebbles and the frog, along with a collection of beetles and water skimmers now seems happy enough in this private universe, a lesson for all of us. Now all I need to do is tread carefully on entering the loo for the mean time.

Jump

There is a school of religious thought that says in your final few seconds on earth, before shuffling out from this mortal coil, the last thing you hear is the opening synth riff to Van Halen’s 1984 track “Jump”. Having never ventured too far into the afterlife myself I’m not sure to what extent it is true, I’m guessing it’s unlikely but the idea has a certain appeal. Some of you may of course be unhappy about this preferring perhaps the ambient strains of Brian Eno, Phillip Glass or the pomp of ELO or Yes. Of course this soundtrack to stepping over would only apply to those who, not fearing the reaper passed away post 1984. All the others (and there are a few according to history) must have had to settle for something a tad less dramatic. It’s possible that post 69 it was the climactic wah wah start to Voodoo Chile by Jimi Hendrix followed by that huge power chord, prior to that I’d guess it may have been “In the mood” by Glen Miller (from the1940s onwards). Before that it’s anyone’s guess, I suppose in the dark ages or during the various inquisitions, in times when music was banned you had to make do with a silent brave slump or stagger towards the white light. God gave rock and roll to you.

Benny

Benny the cat has returned after scaring his owners for the last few days and making us look under hedges and over walls. Curiously, despite Benny’s home being only about a mile away from here, up the country, we heard of his safe return thanks to an email from Sri Lanka. Bonkers or what?

Another soul adrift

impossible songs seek benny

impossible songs

Benny the lost cat.

He may be lost (as his owners suspect) or he may have of his own accord simply chosen to slip away and lead a new and completely different life. He may be living here, in what was his former home, with us, right under our noses in a constant state of feline hiding. Anyway Benny’s owners called the other day looking for him, he’s been AWOL for three days and naturally they are worried. Frankly in the two years and more we’ve lived in this area we’ve never seen a cat answering his description and because we have a cat we tend to notice other (rival) cats who may just be cuter or more clever than ours. Bennie has however slipped under our radar and not ever been seen and clearly that expert camouflage and concealment technique is one he is still using successfully today. Come out, come out wherever you are!

Young footballs of Europe

impossible songs

impossible songs

Young brain boxes of the future.

The cleverest kids in Fife are officially in my family. We triumphed at general knowledge and received two fine trophies in a school children’s quiz held in downtown Cupar, once capital and county town of the confused kingdom now only another traffic jam on the way to St Andrews. To make matters worse it was replaced and dwarfed by the urban design dung heap that is “new town” and Fife epicentre, Glenrothes. Anyway thanks to the organisers and the local schools who took part - it made my day.

The unkind real word of competitive football.

The doom of relegation has descended like a Biblical plague upon Dunfermline Athletic FC. After a series of Lazarus-like performances and various lucky league points collected, we settled for a mild cuffing yesterday at the hands of some northern team with a long and confusing name that should belong to a pint of dark beer. Groan! and I’ve just bought my cup-final tickets. Perhaps in the future there will be no defeats and no relegations, the morbid rules of political correctness will dominate and simply mean a heartfelt thanks are given to everybody for their participation in another meaningless team event and a certificate for all who played and attended. No more antagonism and joyful singing of that mesmerising refrain, “you’re shite and you’re goin’ down” either.

A snog for Europe.

The Eurovision Glam & Song contest is probably the best and worst TV night of the year. For one thing we all watched it sprawled on various couches (as I presume families did during the war and other major national events), we (the adults) drank pink Champagne, ate chocolate and curry, voted for some obscure, tuneless Eastern European song and like the last World Cup watched as not so Great Britain represented here by England's finest bombed out. At least we avoided the embarrassment of being last like the plain awful Irish entry, a major musical turnip clearly written by a committee of folk-club organisers and gala day planners, it was the worst effort I’ve heard in years. Laugh? I nearly did, and then the strong drink and the curry overcame me. I should be more careful at my delicate age.

Lost

impossible songs

impossible songs

Almost Lost

You may break your teeth on this chocolate, it came straight from the fridge.
The cat has gone missing and not for the first time I may add.
If I don’t wake up with a headache tomorrow it’s not my fault.
Wearing stripped socks does not get you noticed.
It is so easy to make an arse of your myspace page.
The rise in interest rates has caused many to turn their faces to the wall.
Some folks are allergic to the fumes produced by gas fires.
An army of ticks has invaded Scotland according to a news snippet I heard.
I never was an Eighties sensation.
Why is there never anything on at the cinema when you fancy going?
The ingredients of a good curry vary from household to household.
I understand that there are both hard and soft drinks irrespective of their containers.
The World Wide Web appears at times a tad fickle to me.
I’m not really bothered about things that are light years away.
Tony Blair has called it a day in order to do other things.
A third crossing of the Forth will give us five counting Kincardine’s’ two but not the butcher’s shop.
Thursday night’s TV is not worth switching on for.
In Lost a new plane has crashed and the survivor told the (old) survivors of the other plane that their plane wreck has been found elsewhere and that there are no survivors.
I’m not expecting much sleep this weekend.
How can you dislocate your shoulder playing cricket in Aberdeen?
We’re on Virgin Music’s website.
At least I’ve done my bit of accounting.
Fish pie, pasta and smoked sausage and green salad featuring rocket, spinach and cress.
It’s good to be in the same room as fine food.

Words & Music

impossible songs v Willie Mason

impossible songs

Thank you Willie Mason, Rufus etc.

I’m not sure at all where songs come from, how they get into your head or how the process works. Often I’ll think of something or get an idea and the timing is just bad; at a meeting, driving, or first thing in the morning when I’m not quite awake or worst of all just as I’m about to fall asleep. The ideas born at these times tend to have a very short life span and quickly die unless some higher part of my conscious mind kicks in and intervenes. You wouldn’t think it’d take much but just stopping or changing step to write a phrase or idea down seems to take a huge amount of effort, which for some reason I tend to resist.

Any way for no reason at all an idea came to me last night while I was driving and listening to a Rufus Wainwright song on the radio. The song was “The art teacher” and strangely it has no connection I can see with the lyric I wrote. Also playing in my head was that gorgeous garage band shuffle drum sound that Willie Mason gets on all his songs. I was driving, hearing that and Willie’s lyric “Signed myself out today” while Rufus crooned the art teacher thing. So out came...


(Verse 1)

All the things they say about me are true,
The words they throw, they think, just stick like super glue,
And it seems I’m something that you’d pick up on your shoe,
For all the things they say about me are true.

(Verse 2)

All the tales they tell about me are bona fide and accurate,
Every syllable, vowel and constonant is immaculate,
They write, they taunt, they think, then they regurgitate,
Yes all the tales they tell about me are so accurate.

(Verse 3)

All the gossip that you hear about me is factual,
It’s based on truth, it’s dirty proof, it’s truly actual,
That torrid talk’s not perjury or evidence circumstantial,
Yes all the gossip that you hear about me is factual.

(Chorus or middle eight or other messy bit)

All the things that they say about me are true,
But it just flies off, for god has made me bullet proof
I’m like some superman just standing on your roof,
You point and shoot and I don’t squeal or make a move,
I’ll take your best shot and I’ll let you follow through,
I’m a human target and a bull’s eye just for you,
I don’t make this up or glam it up, it just reflects the stuff I do,
For all the things they say about be must be true.

I may need to edit this a bit more to scan it and to make it singable in some way and I have not applied any guitar paste to this audio wall paper. Will it fly or will it drown? Will it join a few others in a one-way Word folder optimistically titled “songs”? Whatever it has survived the first difficult stage, it made it into my waking mind and onto this page.

Return of the Giant Hogweed

impossible songs

impossible songs

Non controversial weekend.

Saturday: I collected a huge fish tank thanks to fly-fishing on Freecycle and subjected it to extensive leak testing which it seemed to pass. It has loads of pumps and bubble things and accessories and is bound, eventually for Aberdeen where it will be populated by fish while two small boys will marvel at these Aquatic wonders and probably chuck toys at them.

In the afternoon I munched a rocket and fish salad in the sun with Kate and Ali and we had a deep discussion centred on yesterday’s election and the resultant chaos. Also we may or may not have Hogweed in the garden. Has the giant returned? In the evening number two grandson arrived for a stay over, together we composed “dinosaur” music on the piano, explored the woods (looking for dinosaurs, through the dinosaur window), and squirted water in the bath with a dinosaur and then Ali read him a bed time dinosaur story. Can you see any kind of theme here?

Sunday began with football in the wildest wind for some time, the boys from IHS putting in a hard shift and battling the elements to win 3 – 1. Grandson two and I struggled to stay put on the touchline while Joe tried hard to keep up with the game playing against the fierce wind, Kansas seemed a long way away. Then up to Freuchie for a spot of DIY, cakes and DVDs and finally back via the Forth Bridge road works, with J & O for a big Ali type supper with Emma and Kev.Emma is today (Monday) bound for Sri-Lanka for a three month stint of volunteer work and has undertaken to record the highs and lows on a new blog:
www.sri-lanka-tales.blogspot.com .

Ninja Cat Fight

During the night I believe the cat had a fight with the cat next door, on the roof in the moon light, like in some bad Ninja movie. Regrettably I missed it by being in my normal comatosed state. Ali however dealt with the bad boys and Syrus (the cat) having exhausted himself and digested a huge rabbit has been sleeping somewhat unnaturally and peacefully since.

A Scottish erection

impossible songs

impossible songs

Did my vote make a difference?

The people of Scotland have spoken, almost, well some of them managed to successfully tick two boxes and put a number in another. What a struggle it turned out to be, who ever said independence would be easy? For many wee souls ticking the boxes was the toughest written trial they have faced since attempting Standard Grade Bingo, putting a line on at the bookies, failing the 11 Plus or counting their change at Aldi. Thankfully all that lottery mumbo jumbo and card-scratching training finally worked for the majority, modern society’s methods and the democratic system are indeed wonderful things.

So what of the poor one hundred thousand (many more than ever fought at Bannockburn I believe, unless you count the camp followers, weirdoes and Irish that joined the battle later ) who failed to register their precise voting desires? King Eck the First, our likely new ruler has promised a full and frank investigation in order to soak up some of the surplus cash from the Scottish Executive’s budget, so have no fear.

Next time there is a general election or we need to decide on bringing back hanging or witch burning I propose a good show of hands across the nation and then results can be checked using Google Earth – just take a pixel each to check. Who says that the Scots can’t make the most of modern technology?

Nettles

impossible songs and the scourge of the great weed.



impossible songs

A garden of nettles

Gardening is hard work. This week I’ve been battling nettles with a strimmer. In a way all a bit like Boromir hewing at Orcs or William Wallace poking sharp things at and into the English. Anyway we have a garden that is prey to nettles, thistles, spiky things like thistles that aren’t thistles, various sprouting weeds and more vigorous nettles. Thankfully we have three apple trees, some mysterious berry bushes and rhubarb to balance out this axis of evil. So far about 40m of strimmer chord had prevailed against the advancing nettle hordes; we are about even in the May Games – if a score was to be kept. Over the weekend however I plan to both strim and rake in a bid to finally gain the upper hand. My main aim being to clear the green festooning thorn birds from the structure we call the chicken coop, (it’s full of nettles, mud and a rabbit hole). Then on Sunday my number two grandson can have fun shutting himself in it without fear of being stung by the green enemy.

Joseph and I attacked the thorny beasts tonight briefly but the battery in the strimmer ran out and there was football on the telly, Lucozade to drink and school projects to do. I may also bring in my mighty WMD over the weekend, aka the lawnmower, it’s not fully happy on uneven ground but I do think that its well wired supercharged 50cc power could give us an edge against the nettle threat.

Staying Focused

impossible songs

impossible songs

Tuesday Afternoon.

Thankfully the weekend’s giant pizza has been digested, the Arts Festival meeting is over for the week and I’m now in Birmingham airport and at a loose end for short while. I did have some nice asparagus on Sunday which I believed would do me all sorts of good and would also make me pee green urine. Sadly this didn’t happen, perhaps I didn’t eat enough or maybe it was the wrong kind of asparagus…

So the queues are not too bad and I’m just hoping that my flight will be on time. Over a late lunch watching Sky news (whilst consuming coffee, tuna wrap and a maple and peanut Danish) I was wondering how many Ford Focus cars I’ve driven in the past five years (the poor quality of my thought processes is scary sometimes), generally with all of these cars have belonged to Mr. Hertz or Mr. Enterprise. Those fine tin cans have been ferrying me around the UK on a regular basis, almost in comfort and for so long that I can’t remember the previous model the rental guy's used. I can never have had the same one twice so I’m guessing the usage figure must be well over 100.

Longest journey? Birmingham to Plymouth to Bristol (I think), shortest (and most frequent), Birmingham to Sutton Coldfield. Of course I could just get a taxi or just not go but I always seem to land up in the cold driving seat of a Focus first thing in the morning in the grey Brummy air. Motoring anominity? It certainly is but if it picks up Radio 2 and the heater/air con works and it can sniff out the M42 I don’t really care.