Non-Ukrainian tractor

There in some tractor garden, still rusty and in daily use. To pull the lobster pot boats from the land to the sea and back again. Fordson engineering and British steel and iron that can last for fifty salty years, in fields, on roads and in the water. That was at the weekend however...

Back to reality and Scotland are getting gubbed by Norway in a "must win" but "will lose" football match. Being Scottish is painful at times as is following all the wrong kinds of sports when played by your national teams. Painful.

Monsters of Folk. What's this about?

Pea green in Brora

On a sunny beach in Brora pea soup is ladled out, it is everyday, special day and it is far away. I'm enjoying my new appreciation for the north east, the land, the sea, the cliffs, the horses, the people, the food, the pea green soup. Then it was Monday so the weather turned back to normal, rain all the way to the airport in Wick and above the clouds in an aeroplane made by Saab.

Back home now, holiday over and the cats are back and chasing one another across the garden and up onto the arch.

Where mermaids play

The tipple known as Sloe Gin or "sloggin" or Long Island Tea or something, it's not gin, it's not mulled wine, it's something that folks imbibe on sunny afternoons when lager would be too much, Pimms too pretentious and white wine too obvious. Goes nice with a Mars bar, a scone and some black grapes.

Through the gate and onto the beach and if you stare into the sea you may just catch a glimpse of a mermaid playing a violin. The artist who designed these gates certainly did. As for me I'm relaxing after surf and turf and stumbling along cliff tops, peering into Cromwell's midden and avoiding bulls in fields, always the best line to take (and all without a Barbour jacket).

In a blue sky hole

Summering is better than wintering and the hole of blue sky that we currently inhabit remains around us and above our heads. Grey clouds roll close but seem to be held back from crossing our path by some great force, in this case the influence of the North Sea. It froths and bubbles and carries away the daylight and seaweed and returns to pound now rounder stones and to deposit some fresh driftwood. The chain and flowers in the photo above are nearby, found on an underused quayside, holding back the beach and securing a family of smelly lobster pots.

Things we know now:

It is possible to ride a horse cross country for at least two hours - without falling from it.
Green soup is good.
Sea caves are worth exploring.
The people who named lochs were a bit daft.
Landrovers are comfy up to a point and you can sleep in them.
There are many kinds of tree house.
Buying a derelict cottage to fix is a good idea, but the location must be right.
Prince Charles drives an Audi.
I've got Schuey till Massa recovers.
Macbeth was one of Scotland's best kings.
Rabbit can taste ok.

Wrong end of the scope

I don't want to be remembered as the man with the one white eyebrow hair, that wiry sticky out mutation of hair that torments my head. Nor as the man who, inadvertently whilst looking into the far distance walked into a telescope, parked in the very near distance. Perception at a high percent and the understanding of space elude me at times, I've no idea why. I don't want to be remembered as the man who couldn't quite remember. I have enough self perception however to see where some of this may be going.

Currently I'm sitting in a house with two telescopes, both far and both at times quite near.

Everglades daily photo

Possibly the end of this occasional and seasonal series - behold the wilderness and the native's accommodation.

Today I face the barren wastes of a pile of ironing buoyed up by an elaborate omelet and mushroom concoction that Ali recently created. I can do anything it seems and she can cook anything. Abercorn Yogurt has also been invented, please take a note of the date and time you read this, it may come in very useful.

Meanwhile the Community Council are pressing for changes to the proposed new road bridge road infrastructure configuration, we fully support this venture. We will fight them on the beaches, in the trees and possibly from the pub in the village if all else fails. Scottish Government? No thanks.

Back to work - the long way

Up at 6.20, little or no hangover, mild sunburn wearing out, finding the way back to work along familiar roads signaling the short end of the short holiday season. Never really as bad as you think it's going to be despite the avalanche of out of date emails, too much coffee and the incessant rain beating against the office window, it's a kind of life.

The Lib Dems want airbrushed images to be labeled "unreal" so that young girls realise that stick thin and perfect ten models are really unreal. Next step is to remind comic and sci-fi readers that these characters do not exist, movie goers that Harry Potter is fictional and doesn't have magic powers and that Coca-Cola doesn't refresh as much as you'd like. Cigarettes are apparently good for you, tomatoes make you blush, God answers prayers in mysterious ways and Kate Winslet is a size 8 most of the time. Best news of the day is of course the story that Tutti Frutti has finally been committed to DVD, some of the material may however may have been airbrushed and Big Jazza McGlone wasn't so big and didn't play the guitar parts for real and neither did Suzi Kettles.

Toast and kedgeree for tea, sailing ships upon the sea.

Key Largo daily photo

Pardon the tilt of the earth's crust and the quality of the pastry, these things happen. Just outside of Lower and Upper Largo lurks the little known place aka "Key Largo" famed for shell shops, shell suits, wooden toads and films shot in Hollywood but credited to the Fife Coast, if only. I will return one day to put Bogey right and to calm the many storms and errors in scripts and overall plotting. In the mean time I revel in their high quality rest rooms, water at a $1 a bottle and the smooth road surfaces that greet even the casual visitor. What a hot and funky place.

A full day in the garden saw us inebriated by 1400hrs and full of at least five daily fruits and some square sausage fried in rape seed oil. Yes Mr Salmond we are keeping up the healthy end of Scotland here in rural West Lothian so please do not fret or even consider cashing in your double pension(s). In fact why not stick half of it on a nice little runner at the 2.30 at Epsom on Tuesday?

Miami daily photo

Still busy with a series of random and unplanned activities in the holiday wake, laundry, visits, unforeseen events, parties and the great grey clouds of the pretty rain variety. Taking time to plan the next great blues riff and lick combination based around Wabi Sabi existential themes and non-narrative progressions.

I've also been digging potatoes in a vain attempt to entertain the grandchildren, they however know better and prefer trampolines and chutes and things less practical. The berries continue to bloom, the plums are slowly growing red and the apples are showing some promise. The more mundane side being the continual need to cut and strim the grass and pull weeds from their stubborn beds. Of immediate concern is the need to fry 24 eggs, acres of bacon and the numerous punnets of strawberries that need to be topped and tailed - champagne breakfast for all coming up.

Miami

Keeping it simple today, just returned from Miami where the weather is hot and every so often coconuts fall from trees, even in car parks. My metabolism is slowly recovering from a series of IHOP breakfasts, Welch's Grape Juice, freeway madness, smoothies and chicken give-aways and no alcohol for a week. I'm still traumatised by the sight of iguanas running across the road in front of the car and the alligator eyes staring up from the swamp water, I need another Reece's peanut butter cup and some more sleep.

40 years after

Despite being 14 at the time and not totally daft I recall being a bit unaware and unimpressed by the moon landings in 69. For some reason my little world did not stand still and I didn't stare into those grainy TV pics in wide eyed wonder. Seems I missed out on one of the biggest events in mankind's history thanks to indifference, rampant hormone activity and a spell in the Army Cadets (I was at summer camp at the exact time, learning to smoke, drink and throw up). I can't be the only one of my generation who was like this, afflicted by some virus of Scottish working class dunderheaded apathy and indifference? At least I've grown out it now (I think). Sorry Neil, Buzz and the poor bloke in the command module who had to whistle and read magazines, I finally get it.

Anything made by a firm called Pigtronix has to be good, not so keen on the $169 price tag however.

In a garden

The first crop is the deepest.

I suspect the blackcurrants took a sizable hit today, the smoothie revolution marches on. We're all so healthy and so regular. Thank you fertile soil of West Lothian.

Following a McFlurry sleigh ride a spot of slippery beach combing was attempted. The South Queensferry beach however was surprisingly clean and yielded nothing special. Meanwhile tourists stare at the bridges, eat chips, drink coffee and wine under huge umbrellas as the buses struggle to park and exit. On the High Street the Orroco Pier is growing like Swine Flu, gobbling up the shops next door as it's greedy footprint increases. Great location, good food, daft "local unfriendly" prices and no parking - the major Achilles heel in the project. You can however look out onto the bewildered over 50s staggering across the rocks and then there are beachcombers. It's a kind of life.

Unpredictable weather prevails

The Halo of the blessed ********** (you choose according to you're current belief system) has appeared on our cat blanket following a spell of quality time spent with and within Saint Ariston, creating an unlikely but compelling Turin Shroud effect. All would-be pilgrims should apply in writing (cheques or cash welcome) then form an orderly or disorderly queue if you wish to view the artifact. We don't care much about such trivial things as how you may make a line, the pilgrims can work that one out. The picture has been scrutinised by a panel of experts from the BBC (expenses pending) and the original blanket is now in special display case made from bulletproof glass. None of this is made up so bury your scepticism and unbelief. We do still respect your right to believe whatever futile twaddle you wish, it's just your equally blessed money we're after.

Perhaps not looking so attractive in this photo but none the less a landmark piece of smoothie making in the making. Home grown black currants, not home grown bananas and strawberries about to be mashed into smoothie oblivion by the kids. Turned out quite nice.

In the garden various things happened despite a weather rotation pattern that had us confused and frankly wet and muddy. We found the biggest toad so far (7* head to toe or toe'd) and a strange little red baby toad, or at least a smaller toad that was a shade of reddy pink. The first spuds were also harvested and formed a vital part of a make shift tea sourced from the garden, leftovers and the BP petrol station. Yum.

Devil's haircut

Devil’s haircut

In a desperate bid to spruce myself up I visited a barber I hadn’t visited before, one more local than usual also. Sometimes my search for a good barber takes me to the ends of the earth or Fife, whatever is easier. Today’s barber was in a strange, statistical shift male. He had a slightly worn down alcoholic look and charged twice the price for less conversation and a better cut. No holiday twittering and blethers about bairns in the nursery, no mindless patter as is the way of the glaecit girl school of haircutting. Anyway so severe and effective was his use of the electric clippers that I had to rush home to shower into every nook, non-nook and cranny, this was followed by a quick rub down with wire brush. Invigorating, scary and not what I’d planned for the day.

Devil’s spreadsheet

Prior to the haircut my day had already been shipwrecked thanks to a complete bastard of a spreadsheet that I was working on at work (where else to you do spreadsheets?). Every time I saved it, the diminutive and simple file exploded into a 10 MB monster with jaws that I couldn’t email or adjust. It seemed someone had buried some packet of Trojan data time bombs, razor blades and pocket sized anvils in there. It got so bad my teeth began to itch, I ate a banana sideways, stuffed a whole chocolate mallow in my mouth and observed the hairs on my neck sticking up like newly formed boils. That provoked an immediate downing of the tools and a visit to the barbers, not the one above but another. There was a huge queue and being an optimist I joined it and began to read the Sun and a copy of the local rag. Then after nothing had happened to said queue for 20 Martian minutes gave up, jumped back in the car and visited the bloke with the electric clippers, somewhere in another county altogether.

Devil's pussy

When I got home the cats were lying all over the bedroom assuming those sleeping positions that make them appear twice their normal size. Clint looks blank but serious, Missie on the other hand stares at you disdainfully and seems to say “you’re a feckin’ eejit!” in some bizarre Irish cat accent that makes you worry about suffering from an “all Irish cats are after me” paranoia type of syndrome. It all changes when they’re hungry and they mew like babies wanting milk and rub their little heads on your ankles. Bless them.

Last Episode

The last episode of Flight of the Conchords was aired last night, it may of course have been shown before, how would I know? I’ve grown into liking this dumb, childish and ruthlessly inventive show but it ended with a whimper rather than a bang, unlike the real Concorde. I like the way it tips into the surreal every few minutes: At a band meeting Murray is showing Brett and Germaine a script he has written for a musical based on their exploits in New York, it’s his last desperate bid for fame and fortune now they have been evicted from their apartment. The script is really just a record of what they’ve done albeit it lapses into the Star Wars story line from time to time. When Brett criticises the idea and makes a remark Murray points to the script, at the part that is now completely up to date “See, I had already written what you just said!” pointing to a scribbled line in the yellow journal. Not sure any of it made any kind of sense or made me want to visit New Zealand though.


Things that you cant get anymore:

HH 100 watt Combo Amp.
Aztec chocolate bar
BMW 316 Touring Lux
Action Comics
Rhubarb and custard
School dinner dumplings and chips
Bus tickets on a roll
Black and white film and instamatic cameras
Tom and Jerry cartoons
Embassy Regal
Piper Export
The test card
Space flights on TV
Yoghurts with a lump of chocolate at the bottom.
Spangles
Loon pants
Flexible tickets on British Airways
Sinclair Spectrums
Penny Dainties
Flight of the Conchords

"Everything you do...

...you do a step at a time. Some days you feel strong, fully formed and vital, you step further and you accomplish more, on other days a few small moves forward are all you can manage, occasionally you stay still and hear only heartbeat and breathing, once in while you will step backwards and a friend will come up close and to your rescue."

So says Finias T Moonbeam from the novel, part unofficial dictionary and self help masterpiece, "Shaking hands with the bear only to discover the bear actually has very sharp claws". You may not have guessed but we are working on yet another CD, which seems odd even to me when we've only just (quietly launched) "Intermittent Stimuli" onto CDBaby (the users bit of the site is down right now), we are the masters of understatement, the lowering of profiles and self-harming via the indescriminate use of garden tools but we are busy.

For tea it was left over fish pie, the fifth portion of simple salad in four days, a dressing I'm beginning to get bored with and a selection of soft fruits purchased locally and also gathered from local gardens, supplemented by creme fraiche. Yesterday's promised rain came unevenly enough to ensure the grandkids were able to riot peacefully in the garden whilst the adults drank wine, talked about serious matters and splashed water around from handy orange buckets.

The pop festival season on all channels TV related, continues to both dismay and irritate (apart from Elbow at T in the Pish), the grinning and self-serving presenters are awful and watching 80000 people jumping around in a field isn't really entertainment, particularly when most of them seem to work for the BBC.

Blackcurrant way

For some reason we had a chicken salad for breakfast today and then another one at tea time. Keeps things in food preperation simple I suppose, freeing us up for more manual labour in the wilderness. In between the salads I accidentally smashed two bottles of wine, moved a bonfire and rebuilt it, cut the grass, fixed the fence and generally pottered and drank beer in the sun. Meanwhile Ali tackled the hedge, many times. The hedge, a sizable beast finally capitulated and is now smaller than it was prior to the first chicken salad. The blackcurrants, featured in the photo were left untouched, their day of reckoning dawns tomorrow.

Act of God

An act of god or a quirk of nature? The image of the Virgin Mary appears on a fallen tree in a Limerick churchyard in Eire. People travel miles to queue up and spend a few moments staring into the gnarled stump to see if within the faint and curving bark rings the familiar construction of an image - an embedded cartoon icon created by man and not god, might be seen. “It gives us hope in these troubled times” says a local shopkeeper. Small frames, flowers and rosary beads are placed at the base of the wooden cairn and the faithful cross themselves and bow as they feel the touch of something they see as supernatural. It would be easy to adopt a truly mocking tone when discussing this kind of event and the almost primitive reverential behaviours that it produces. Having seen Mary suddenly appear on burnt toast, in muffins, in animal fur patterns and on the side of caves in moss and water stains it is remarkable that people never seem to get tired or cynical when yet another image appears.

It is hope, hope of a weird and unsubstantial kind (?) and one that ultimately leads only to a search for more snippets and glimpses of a similar type. No one will get into heaven or out of hell thanks to seeing these images, nobody will be healed or filled, there will be no still small voice or burning bush guidance. They just get the lottery ticket or scratch card fix that lasts a few moments perhaps at best stretching into days, that keeps a far away bright light shining in the cold, that holds the edges of your attention in place and distracts from the mundane, the dreary and the ordinary. The fragile hope of a delicate touch and the shimmering shadow of something tangible reaching back into the ordinary from the great and unknown golden age.

There are a million religions and million views, a million believers and million heretics - all at war with one another and the world either with words, the media or bullets as they proclaim and defend things that are at best vague and open to wide and ruthless interpretation. A disproportionate amount of human time and energy is spent in highlighting differences and celebrating questionable mythologies which ravage like cancer and then distort life in it‘s most secret and personal places. We struggle when we need not, we differ on trivia when we could agree over so much but if, whatever you believe, the finger of some unnamed Old Testament God, the maker of Abraham and Jacob did inscribe the hopelessly romanticized image of a misunderstood woman into an Irish tree - who in what religious place should really be surprised? Whatever gets you through your life…

Another day another barcode

I didn't really want it and I don't really need and it costs a whopping $20 but it gets you digital distribution rights across (selected areas, subject to terms and conditions) the planet and in the current climate it'll have paid for itself by 2015. I love the music business, just a little more than I love politics and religion.

The kind lady next door gave us a huge bowl of strawberries, it took me an hour clean them and it'll take Ali and I a week to eat them. I feel some smoothie recipes and cocktail variations coming on.

The homepage on Wikipedia had a bizarre little tale to tell today...some things you never knew.

Blatant product placement

We went to Transformers II last night, fun, stupid, noisy, overlong and entertaining of course and chock full of Gung Ho cliches, stereotypes and what clearly is a desperate attempt to revive the failing fortunes of GM by funking up various Chevrolets as robots in disguise. It makes you just want to rush down to your local GM dealer, do the scrappage thing and drive away in new Corsa - maybe not.

Apart from the taser gag in the Smithsonian Institute incident the best laugh is when the Jordanian Army are called in to help the beleaguered American troops pinned down in a daft firefight. The Jordanians duly arrive in two helicopters, crash right away and the Americans pinch their radios and equipment. As they are doing this whilst laying waste to a chunk of Egypt it's hard not to see it as simple reflection of recent US foreign policy, was it all intentional? Ho Hum.