Spiders on Drugs

 

Some modern/recent history:

Allegedly scientists from NASA gave spiders drugs and recorded and measured the outcome of the exercise by comparing the webs they had spun. I'll leave you to your own conclusions.

A similar study was carried out on a selection of fifth year pupils at Dunfermline High School in 1971, the full results were never published but I understand that Skol lager and water chestnuts did quite well.

The "Spiders on Drugs" came very close to being David Bowie's backing band about the same time. Not sure what became of them.

This is not here

It's that Covid time of year again here in Tier 4 country: To be honest there's a kind of chilly, winter grubbiness hanging about the village, curtains twitch, dustbins overflow and in the distance hounds howl. The street Christmas lights and decorations have an ironic, tired out ring about them, then some bulbs flicker and slowly fade and pop. The shutters are down and the cobbles have the icy blue sheen of slippery wet dolphin backs. Here in the still and baffled never-land between Christmas and New Year, all non-essential shops and businesses are closed, there are ragged queues at take-away cafes and bored visiting city dwellers shuffle by, eyes half open and shielded from the cold by grim, seasonal determination and well planned layers of sports clothing. 

Staying safe and at home, trapped by TV,  might be a better idea. Why get yourself struck down by Covid in a coffee queue just for some fresh air ten strange miles from home? Going out when you needn't for a drink you don't enjoy in a town that's firmly locked up and fashionably ghostly. Ho hum. Of course I'm one of those lost and wandering zombies too, part of a cloud of a crowd, safely social distancing by walking in the middle of the road. All dressed up and nowhere to go and unwilling to stand in line for a tiny flat white in a paper cup, paid for by contactless; how appropriate.  Business as usual I suppose.

By the way nobody wants any 2020 review TV shows, no comedic reflections on Brexit, no "why Barnard Castle became a tourist destination" articles and no lists of the Top Ten items to panic buy and stockpile in 2021. Thanks.

Trains across Norway

A relaxing train journey is good for both the mind and soul: Stuck indoors in Tier 4 lock down? Can't squander what little remaining cash you have in the new year sales? Fed up with virtual log fires and chaotic Russian traffic videos? Why not try train driving (or at least pretending to drive one) across the snowy wastes of Norway from the relative warmth and safety of your own couch? Any port in a storm as they say.

The only god I listen to

 

Back in the day when we shopped, visited cafes and walked freely across the earth, as some might say god intended (also carrying the weight of our own sin on our backs): The still small Dickensian voice of Christmas Present (well yesterday's voice) leads me to an enticing free gift guide. The guide is free but the gifts are expensive and are slowly destroying the planet. Best to stay home making plans for using up your "prepper" stash of tins of chopped tomatoes in the most creative ways possible. The destruction of the planet was previously being carried out by cats but they're currently on a break and the humans have taken over for the time being. I suspect it will not end well for any particular species apart from the cockroaches. Having a pleasantly bemused Boxing Day so far.

Christmas 2020

 

Happy Christmas 2020. Whether you're a good person or you're a Russian Bot, a Republican Bot, and Tory Bot or a Bot who's just plain conflicted about things. Frankly right now I don't care, it's Christmas Day and I'm making the best of it. Take it easy but remember, you don't actually have to take it.

P.S. This is a popular card around these parts, for reasons obvious to us.

And another thing...

Exposed to Normality

I completed this personality test (or something like that) I happened upon via my questionable friend Mr Twitter, the results are pictorially displayed above. I'm exactly half normal and half abnormal, a statement that makes no sense. I guess the numbers pretty much add up to an old git who grew up in arguably more troubled and less affluent times - or maybe not. Anyways it's Christmas eve and there are other things to do, so enough of the reflection and the futile search for self understanding. Have a "normal" Christmas if you can.
 

Window Sharks and a Dog Bakery

Tis' the season to go a bit mental and nobody would blame you or your poor punctuation. A few things in the street nearby; the traditional Christmas Shark is now decorating household windows and bestowing good fortune on observers below, as is the custom. Meanwhile the "Dog Bakery" (an interesting and surreal addition to the selection of local shops), should be opening soon, sadly it wont be in business until that fateful new year known as number 2021 arrives with all it's pratfalls, complications and inevitable disappointments. Right now I'm unsure about how I feel with regard to most things. Life's a gas, possibly an inert one.

 

The Great Conjunction

 

Jupiter meets Saturn and everybody has seen this: However until my dear wife mentioned that this was happening I didn't know anything about it. Straight over my head. Now it's all over the media as the word spreads. Heavenly bodies behaving like heavenly bodies for once in a lifetime, anyway Google think it's worth a mention. So I borrowed their Gif. Oops.

California Dreamin'

 

Old, familiar words on a new wall. None of this will happen any time soon but it's nice to just imagine sometimes. The fourth line doesn't really make any sense either other than to shift blame or push a little poetic power into the statement. Mentioning the Devil in any song always adds a touch of glamour and danger. So any chance of getting back to the garden? Things have always been in some kind of a mess and wistfully and wishfully thinking of somehow going back and starting with a clean sheet is very appealing, just ask any old hippie.

Still droning on

This may seem a bit obtuse: I'm not a bible believer (and I'm ignoring anything to do with Christmas right now for obvious reasons), but that doesn't mean that I don't recognize that there are some profound truths held within it's (corruptly edited and compiled) much misunderstood pages. This little snippet, some time after the famous ark and flood adventure is, in my view, far more significant and insightful than the whole "two by two" and rainbow nonsense. 

I should add, there are some things in life that you can only understand when have traveled a fair distance and find yourself high on a hill and are able to see a long way in at least two clear and opposite directions. This may be the beginning of wisdom but it also may not last very long.

 

Genesis 9 v18 - 24.

v18 The sons of Noah who came out of the ark were Shem, Ham and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.) v19 These were the three sons of Noah, and from them came the people who were scattered over the whole earth.

v20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. v21 When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. v22 Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father naked and told his two brothers outside. v23 But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father’s naked body. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father naked.

v24 When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, v25 he said,

“Cursed be Canaan!

The lowest of slaves

will he be to his brothers.”

 

Historical footnote: If there ever was a real Noah you can be sure he did not look or dress like this nor did he have a collection of handy and attractive zoo animals paddling around the Middle East in a large wooden boat.

Iceland v Scotland

"Came from the land of the ice and snow etc." Marvelous pic of some unpronounceable, remote Icelandic spot, complete with Northern Lights, shooting stars, fractured ice and wispy snow. Scotland is a pretty decent looker of a place but Iceland is just ... far out. 

Forth Crossings

I see these bridges nearly every day. I can check them out from our sitting room window provided I'm motivated enough to stand up and look out. It may be in a Covid racked Scotland, curled up and angry with it's twisted fate, an oppressed colony of the evil Empire of Westminster and perpetually bewildered, but it's still all pretty good to me. This sanitized but realistic picture was taken from the nearby sea front, which provides a clearer and more satisfying view of the night-scape Forth road crossings. Thank you for your time and patience.

Daytime TV at night

 

We're still sticking with the YouTube logs as a means to heat up the house and provide some ambient flickerings, working well so far but the weather remains unseasonally mild. By doing this we have erased the invisible and sometimes disputed links between daytime TV and night time TV, they have merged into one homogenized glowing screen of impenetrable warmth and a vacuum of subjectless content. A rainbow bridge across the chasm of puerile programming and the Nirvana of a mysterious black object staring back at you from space. Stanley Kubrick was seldom wrong.  Perfect for the times we exist in.

Jolly Penguin and his pals

It could have been Noggin the Nog in the form of sweeties but it was not: Always a pleasure, never a chore, the ceremonial demolition of the Christmas chocolate boxes began earlier than usual this year. Blame Covid and a lack of social life and decent TV I suppose. The bar was set unnaturally high with this massive single tier offering from some Hotel chain somewhere that is apparently constructed mainly from chocolate. Quite a claim but one I would not dispute. Taking a measured approach to this challenge we worked steadily through it and deliberately did not scoff the lot in one binge watch or rainy evening sitting. It took a little longer (which was worth the mild frustration) but now it has been picked clean. The happy vultures were agreed that this is possibly the highest scoring selection already and we don't even know what is yet to come. Hail the Jolly Penguin and his brown and white entourage, as Alan Partridge might say.

 The carcass, picked clean.

Swan Theme

 

Captain's Log, Stardate 47634.44. A locally produced and loyal swan complete with large swan's feet takes a moment to inspect possible rudder damage that may have been sustained during a recent shallow dive manoeuvre. As it turned out all the rearward facing control surfaces were found to be fully serviceable and in good order and so the long journey across the pond continued without further event. 

Distorted Materials

Essential Sunday evening viewing: 

Children running about looking angry and confused, one has a knife but no idea what to do with it. The heroic girl is baffled. You know they're just going to run around aimlessly in a repetitive film set for most of this episode. The boy with the knife isn't feeling too good.

A man in a balloon reacts slowly to having a practicing Shaman on board and assumes the laws of conventional physics still apply to his trip. 

Priests talk very slowly and deliberately then frown and use the word heretic like it was some kind of unexploded bomb buried in the crotch of their cassocks. They are in a state of perpetual outrage. 

Grumpy woman arrives in a strange world wearing unusually practical clothes, encounters ghostly CGI monsters and scares them away, purely by using the strength of her mind and her determination. Her pet monkey does not seem to be fully aware of her intentions and is surprised at her show of force. 

A roving Irish woman hands out drugs to innocent kids. 

Meanwhile in the mountains, wooden witches act as if they were in some early Dr Who episode where every badly written line requires an excruciating level of over acting in order for it to be delivered. They perform a healing ritual before being attacked by some more CGI monsters.

The grumpy woman casually downs two bottles of wine, crushes a snake and kills the man who insulted her. 

The evil grey airships attack the balloon but the Shaman summons up thunderstorms and crows to down them. They plummet down in flames. Hundreds may be dead in the disaster, nobody is sure. The balloon may well crash land.

The end titles run. Well that was actually quite good.

Alternative History

 

The alternative history of the world in 101 household objects. Today it's the stereo owned by Jimi Hendrix which is "recreated" in his London flat. Presumably along with a set of his records and albums and other groovy stuff. I suppose this is actual recent history but it does seem like a lifetime ago (because it is!) when these crazy, daring types were barnstorming across the musical landscape, leaving incredible tracks and then self destructing either quite quickly or in some slow and terrible way over the decades to come. We all watched their collective pain, noted their suffering and wrinkles but didn't really learn anything. Not sure what's worse,old hippies, old punks, old Goths or just old people in general. Hmm.

Minimalist Nativity

One hedonistic moment after another: Obviously inspired by the scene depicted above I decided to create my own less well composed version of the classic Nativity grouping (below for the avoidance of doubt). Imitation is a reasonable and justifiable kind of flattery I suppose. Basically it's just stealing someone else's idea and then not executing it quite so well but still trying to claw some creative credit together for yourself. Then, if you wish to go deeper, there may be coded theological references hidden in the names and types of products used (?). One for Bible scholars there. Thankfully no cleaning products were harmed in the creation of these slightly disturbing images.

Christmas Telly

As everyone knows, traditional Christmas telly is in fact traditional Christmas shite with few if any redeeming qualities, all seasonal special programs are best avoided. This year we have endeavored to redress the cultural imbalance and now simply watch one of the many YouTube seasonal offerings i.e. "log fire c/w soft seasonal jazz background and crackling log sound effects", 10hrs of relaxed viewing well spent. A highly suitable and soporific background for home working, cat antics observations or constructing elaborate fish finger sandwiches. It also saves on logs, reduces greenhouse gases and gives off a reasonable amount of sustainable heat (that is completely imaginary).

King of Screenwash

 Winter cats* don't go out in rain 

Stare through glass silently complain 

Lick up the gravy ignore all the fat 

Nine times nine times lives of cats.

----

Winter cats curl up and purr 

Sneak and scamper scatter fur 

Sniff the air and lie down flat 

Nine times nine times lives of cats.

----

Nine times nine times lives of cats.

Fine time nice time Winter cats.

*Original handwritten manuscript discovered hidden in the archives  thought to belong to Bob Dylan's grandmother in 1966.