Thursday, November 04, 2010
Mirror Man Mr CBQ performs at the Voodoo Rooms - some sound from one guitar.
I've decided that my next career move will be to enter into the project management of the City's current Tramtastic scheme, it badly needs a kick up the arse and the contractor is robbing us blind and wrecking the place. My main thrust will be to fire the troublemakers, remove the whole costly rail, wheels, engines and power hokum and base the system on one of two well proven alternative technological solutions, these are (my good fellows) ahem :
1. The use of young offenders and ne'r do wells to propel the modified tram carriage by a combination of lifting and pushing. Passengers will experience a silent hovercraft effect apart from some background swearing, B.O. wafts and aggressive comments from the propulsion system.
2. The "Flintstone Method" involves the passenger in an intimate travel and self help work out regime that allows them the opportunity to break sweat (and possibly limbs) as they travel across our great city whizzing effortlessly on their own two feet for £2.50 a trip.
Other sub-optimal options are:
a) Reintroduce Clippies to take fares, stop folks spitting on the windows, slap people with crew cuts across the back of the head and encourage community singing.
b) Revise the routes so that they concentrate on visiting IKEA, chip shops and football stadia.
c) At all costs avoid going to the airport or Ocean Terminal as no sane person would want to visit either place.
d) "Extreme Tramming" that takes Tiso wearing punters up and down Arthur's Seat and across the great Pentland Army firing ranges.
I promise to deliver all this for a mere £250k PA. So Edinburgh Council, forgive and forget those voters who rejected your daft congestion charge and bury your spiteful tram roadworks revenge and start again.