Collage and squirrel

Main pic: A collage by Mr C Storrie.

So the BT man came and renewed the phone cable parts the squirrels had eaten. In fairness it could have been some other climbing, chewing rodent, or a crow or perhaps a hungry owl. We'll never know. Round here infrastructure is subject to abuse from wind, weather and woodland creatures (not to mention human fuckwits who dump their broken fridges and washing machines in fields). In fact just as the repair man brought the blue light of the router back on, an almost religiously significant moment, the postman delivered the squirrel-proof bird feeder (now £3.95 cheaper on eBay but only while stocks last). The feeder isn't too impressive. It's a stainless steel dildo in a spring loaded sheath. As the squirrel climbs down to pinch the food, it's own weight closes the sheath on the feeding holes denying access. In theory it should work, in reality it looks a bit cheap (?) and flimsy. Extensive tests are planned. Here's a simple illustration.

Yesterday was Pi Day (3.14) but I was too busy goofing around here and on Twitter to do maths or make an actual Pi pie. Next year maybe.

Paula from BT

So Paula from BT's like...

Nice grand tour poster

Here's a nice NASA inspired, retro, post modern, Art Deco, Sci-fi, low-fi, deconstructed, recycled, post industrial, pop art, Disney style, full colour graphic design that's celebrating the possibility of a nice day out at various places in the known universe. The full tour is unlikely to be available in my lifetime, along with many other things, 'experience the charm of gravity assists". The poster and the dream are both available however.

Cup holder trials

First proper use of a factory dashboard mounted cup holder. Found to be stiff in places and somewhat reluctant to emerge from the dash but once out it holds the cup firmly. This full cup of Stephen's with coffee (no sugar) survived various potholes, speed bumps, two roundabouts and my usual erratic style of driving. Eventually I stopped and drank the coffee and ate a donut - but no donut holder was available, just a bag. Please note that I would not drive and slurp coffee, that would be as bad as using a mobile phone and we all know the problems with that. Whilst out I also saw these diggers at work, pecking at the soil, all looking very well organized or even orchestrated.

The truth in black and white

This guitar design comes from the sixties, a time when everything (even space travel and mainstream movies) was black and white, apart from drug related experiences. The real one is however in colour (see it on Etsy soon) as is most of reality fifty years or so on. Whilst it's proved a pain to put together, mostly due to my own ineptitude and to some extent doing things in the wrong order it has focused me on a KPI that I wasn't perhaps fully focused on. Action and string height. I'm now setting my aim lower, 1.5 to 1.6 mm to be precise. Thankfully most of my guitars make the cut but there are a couple just north of this figure. Rework, aka non profitable extra time, is required.

Dreaded blue gloves

Back in the day I'd worry that somehow I'd manage to do something criminal and end up in the slammer on porridge (which incidentally I quite like but maybe the prison fare is less than perfect). My main fear however, apart from slopping out and social contact was the prospect of dropping the soap in the shower. That potential scenario and it's consequences terrified me. So as it happens, modern medical science has recently allowed me to at least deal with and almost overcome that particular fear. Yes, there's nothing quite like having a series of regular prostate examinations once you're in your early sixties. Being rooted around with lubricated mobile devices, butt cameras and ultrasound sensors not to mention the dreaded jellied blue gloved finger can now be struck off my bucket list of bad experiences, those that I never want to repeat. 

Yes that's the special list of awkward things you want to avoid at all costs, like throwing up on a bus, losing your wallet, scraping an expensive car, being publicly bawled out by somebody from your past, nearly drowning in a water park and various things involving animals, women, toilets and buckets of tar, etc etc. So whilst I'm not looking at any likely jail term at the moment (I'm pretty much free of any possible misdemeanors that might take me there), at least one particular  fear has diminished just a little. Thank you life. 

Sun sets on ignorance

This is a test message: So we're back out of the black hole of internet failure, reconnected to the vibrant echo chamber and serial self abuse that is our life blood, hurrah! Also available are iPlayer and YouTube so we don't need books anymore, just coffee and biscuits.

Unintended consequences

Unfortunately whilst feeding the smaller garden birds, blue tits, sparrows, finches etc. I've taken on the role of the great benefactor for both pheasants and squirrels. At the last count five squirrels and ten pheasants to be precise. They see me coming. They wait for me and my overflowing buckets of bird seed. They follow me around the garden and ceremoniously shit all over the place. It started when I threw a few seeds their way, casually. Little did I realise that I was starting up an avian and rodent training camp in which they mirrored my every move, learned to tell time and how to stalk humans. It's my own fault of course but the good side is that I am their leader. All this power is intoxicating, who knows where it may take me as the seasons change and the animals increase in size and appetite?

I quite like the composition in this one. Anyway until BT fix our local telephone pole these messages will come, on an occasional basis from a cafe in a nearby town coloured yellow (cafe not town).

Springish

Today has turned out to be a glowing kind of peaceful spring day, a day when the sun seems to seep into everything and just spreads a little light magic here, there and all the way down into the winter shadow lands. The birds and animals are suddenly more active, bulbs are sprouting, dogs puff, people are sitting outside pubs on wooden chairs supping craft ale, walking along the beach, strolling along seafronts slowly because all of a sudden the weather poses no obvious threat. This looks like some kind of normal, something we could all get used to, something lasting; Sunday afternoon. Strangely the weather appears to have fixed the ropey internet connection that blights our business and social lives or has it? 

As it's still working here's tonight's golden sunset as seen from the shores of the river Forth.

Then the coconut hit the roof

More work in more progress.

IT Matters(?): Well the internet connection here is pretty much goosed, every ten minutes in an hour it makes the hop and crackles back, the rest of the time it sinks into some abyss. Never mind, BT are running tests and after a number of contradictory messages have decided that our fault is not indeed local but covers a wide area so it's a big fault. That bombshell took a week to reveal itself, I wonder if they check calls against postcodes in order to identify fault hot spots that just might be big faults. If they do they are pretty slow in reacting but then they've given themselves until midnight Saturday to sort out everybody in Central Scotland's wifi it seems. Easy KPI to hit I'd say. If it's not sorted by then all we need to do is send a text message, presumably to wake up the night shift in Dublin (on a Saturday night?). In the mean time life goes on.

In the garden a small war broke out over a tasty coconut snack I'd devised for the birds, mostly seeds and fat stuffed into a dead coconut's body. Innocently  I hung it out for some birdie breakfasts and went about my usual business only to be shocked back to life as a flying coconut shell crashed into the glass conservatory roof shattering into many tiny coconut pieces and splattering fatty seeds across the roof. Seems that the crows and magpies had a bit of a dispute going on, coconut ownership I'd say. One stole the coconut and flew away with it only for the string to break and crash, bang, wallop, the meal ended too soon. The wee birds scored however, they tidied up the mess while big boys flew away in a huff. Tough.

Oh, Dundee

The strangely dirty, narrow splendour of Dundee intrigues me. Lanes and closes and alleys and ironmongery. Desperate Dan and the Broons never did walk this way but the pens and paper that gifted them a kind of life did, now they are immortal. Scribes and visionaries rolling out of some pub and jumping a tram or cuddling a fish supper set in real vinegar soaked newspaper. Far and away Dundee has a lot of sunny open spaces and telescopes beyond the cooncil mansions and the graffiti schemes; meanwhile the dark side hides out, what's left of it that is. 

Many a new broom is sweeping this curious little city a modernistic kind of clean with the Victoria and Albert, station projects and ongoing waterfront developments sprucing up the remains of the old dead docks. Whaling and Polar exploration memorials. Still here and there the old stones prevail, the alleys and tenements and the great halls and churches, built for the rusting and rotten empires of jute and jam and journalism, two of which still survive in diluted forms elsewhere. A city centre with no clear middle and mostly bypassed by ring roads, fast food and the big sheds of consumer consumption. 

We stopped for coffee and a sandwich, the Empire State Cafe, about ?as American as me really. Chromed, jumped up and trying hard. Cakes and pizza and hand cut (?) sandwiches. The food travels in an elevator, that seemed like the only NYC connection, that and sitting up on a mezzanine looking down at busy Dundonians picking up their donuts, dreaming city space sized dreams in a pocket sized Scotland. The Polish waitress smiled, there's a future here, same as everywhere but mobile and the shape is as yet unformed and unclear.

Night sky

Here's a very bright Venus and a very thin moon showboating in the sky on the last night of February. At first sight Venus looked more like some hovering UFO, sensing and spying on our dull activities as we plod here and there for no obvious reason. Then it became clear that it was just another planet demonstrating how much light it could reflect in our evening sky before falling away somewhere in the west. As for the moon, it's seems to be hiding, possibly hoping to avoid the influx of Space-Ex tourists planned for 2018.

Larger than original

The contrast setting is the greatest tool, it throws the shadows into the forefront, pulls the black into the limelight, squeezes the grey into a great dark void, traps light and sucks the very life from it, sharpens lines and boundaries, redefines edges and lines, cloaks and masks and pulls what was once of no significance onto centre stage, kicking and screaming. There.

Mechanics of the orchestra

Today I spent an enjoyable and stimulating afternoon at Edinburgh's Usher Hall listening to the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra. The hall was packed and the music was superb. Having not been to a classical concert in a while I was fascinated  by the obvious hierarchy that exists in the orchestra, how they share out applause (and there's a lot of it to share), how they respect the authority of the conductor, the lead violin and any guest soloist. It's all very civilised and disciplined and slightly subservient but in a good way. How else could it work? And it is all rather labour intensive, four people in the rhythm section making tiny contributions once in a while, not quite the work rate of a rock drummer, no sweat at all. Black is the dress code with a little added chatter and a lot of tweaking of instruments. There are also a great many musical notes written down on paper that the players can cleverly read and thumb through whilst holding and even playing a musical instrument, all while sitting on uncomfortable chairs, clever stuff. Here's a rundown of the gig.

Edmund Finnis The Air, Turning (c.10’) (BBC Commission)
Rachmaninov Piano Concerto No.2 (c.34’)
Rimsky-Korsakov Scheherazade (c.43’)

Yevgeny Sudbin  replaced by Vadym Kholodenko piano
Ilan Volkov conductor. That's about it.

Couch Surfing

Anything good on the telly tonight?

Last night we watched the final episode of Taboo on proper TV, almost in real time apart from a 14 minute live pause while the tea was brewing or was it that the internet was playing up? Either or neither. It ended in a mess of adult themes, 19^th Century explosions and unanswered questions I haven't even asked yet. A second series beckons assuming sales are good internationally. For us that was Saturday night TV (apart from an exception solo couch surf as Hibs and DAFC pelted each other on BBC Alba along with a Muppet inspired commentary in some guttural language).

There was a time when you sat down in front, or slightly to one side if you were an adult and watched TV all evening choosing carefully between the two available channels. The snobbish and imperially posh BBC or the more glitzy but clearly less artistic ITV. ITV was of course peppered with adverts which still were a new and slightly unusual thing, a punctuation mark that allowed kettles to boil, toilet breaks or shifting between couch positions. Crowd gathering TV watching was particularly prevalent on the big weekend nights when any amount of cheeky, chirpy black and white stars would gather in studios or theatres and lay down all their best comic and musical chops along with over enthusiastic and sprightly dancers. Then there might be some big film with Robert Mitchum or Lee Marvin, sparkling and/or turgid situation comedy, grim and muddy sporting events and of course the news and weather.

Oh! how we laughed and clapped our pink palms together as the state and private enterprise fought over the opportunity to entertain us in the beastly masses. The whole thing died with a kind of dwarf star effect at about 2330 when a minister or priest seated in an armchair performed the last rights and declared the day over as if he'd been in our living room supping tea for the entire evening. Then a white dot took his place and a low hum was emitted from the hot and glowing valves in the TV chassis until you stood up, walked over and switched the monster off. Bed time now with only the radio (the Light Programme) to look forward to in the morning, unless you liked watching the test card and horse racing.

Typical

"A small matter of time" or why guitars can be expensive but maybe not too expensive 'cos your precious time is considered cheap or perhaps not even considered at all . 

So in a typical 360 degree turnaround brought about by a fallow inspirational period I've returned to doing a pyrograph version of the famous painted version of the JP Telecaster Dragon. That's all, it'll take me weeks of draughting and fiddling I know, then I'll finish it. Then I'll try to sell it on Etsy but nobody will bite. Then I'll look at it again and change something or re-fiddle or realise I've missed a keen detail or some simple nut/bridge/pickup modification that'll make it so much better once fixed. I'll withdraw it from Etsy and substitute it with another totally different Partscaster that stubbornly won't sell. 

A few weeks pass. I'm looking at it and I notice another mistake, I'll fix that something that was misaligned, the one I didn't pick up on the first pass. Then I'll try to sell it on Etsy again but nobody will bite but there will be a few likes. By then I'll get to like playing it a bit more and will decide that no, I'm not going to sell this one, it's a keeper. Then I'll decide to sell it on eBay just to see whatever level of interest there is, aka Market Testing. That'll take weeks and remain unresolved, a few watchers, some chancers hoping to get the guitar and resell the parts, some insulting offers but no proper takers. I'll try that old stalwart Gumtree next, nope, just a snotty inquiry from a fellow in Stirling and a torrent of abuse from a kind chap in Lochgelly. Time-wasters of course, Dr Who has not yet defeated them. Perhaps I'll explore other vendor sites or commercial directions, ho hum.

So I'll kind of forget it for a while, procrastinate and get on with my life, might take a holiday or two. Then after a few years have passed (other guitars will be sold in the mean time because I remain a committed optimist) I'll die some kind of mysterious but predictable death and the Dragon will be passed on to someone in my family who will decide that though they like it there are other guitars in the collection and perhaps it would be better just to put it on eBay and ...

In other related news this half naked bad boy will be up for sale soon.

Old School

So another short brief period of reflection and introspection is over thanks to an unplanned drive by the green fields of my old primary school. Park Road School Rosyth no less. I attended this cheerless place from around 1960 until 1966. It was all Beatles versus Stones arguments and Dunfermline Athletic playing to win in their heyday. I wish I'd known about the Yardbirds and John Mayall just to up the ante a bit. But my school memories have worn pretty thin to be honest and apart from a few dramatic moments (being hit in the face by a football, various corporal punishment incidents, visits from the frightening Codona kids and somebody falling through the ice) it's all faded into some dim, monochrome version of the past I can hardly recognize or recall. There are faces and names but the edges now blur way too much. 

Walking past the building and the altered and no doubt safer surrounding area I struggled to find a bearing or a truly happy memory. It was just some once visited place, cold as the freezing milk crates and heartless as the rule of the grim and very proper teachers. No class reunions, no school photographs, no awards or trophies won; just a study in mediocrity, a breeding ground for apprentices and labourers for the nearby Naval Base as we were sorted out for life and cut in two by the "Qualie". That was the 11 Plus, the life changing Presbyterian style exam that set you on the road to either academic success or more likely academic oblivion ending of course as manpower fodder for the local Naval Base/Dockyard, when we had a credible navy. Like some form of ethnic cleansing it removed swathes of childhood commonality and friendships, it created division and complications and no adult ever really explained what was going on. We just sucked it up, compliant and bewildered without a word of protest and got the bus to the new High School.

I came out of as a strange hybrid, passing the Qualie and then after a number of years in my self imposed wilderness ending up in the Dockyard meeting up again with a few of my old classmates. Most wondered why I was back, where had it all gone wrong, why wasn't I a doctor, a minister or a double glazing salesman in a Cortina? I still don't know, I learned to read, write and count there but little else, nobody taught vision, ambition or self belief. Now it's still churning out the workforce, young mums and junkies of the future, all sports clothes, bad hair and ruby nail polish. I just hope they can find something in their short, sunny spell of Scottish education that will capture their enthusiasm and fire up their ambitions enough to make this world and their's a bit better.

Seven new planets

But there are only six in this graphic along with a sun. Well the planets aren't new, just new to us, pretty much like most things in the universe. We've been looking upwards and outwards for a while but are only scratching the surface. I like the artist's impressions or CGI models they show, they all look warm and welcoming, like you could just land on one and find a green, watery, undisturbed Eden with new and strange life forms that we could meet and one day EXPLOIT! Thats the problem, if any kind of industrial space programme ever got underway we know what the motivation and outcome would be, colonisation, asset stripping and takeover.  It's not likely that a bunch of folk song singing hippies will be first there spreading peace and love and growing corn and hemp. That 40 light year journey and the technology to achieve it will need a hefty pay back. Aliens beware, seven new planets but no new ideas.

No sooner had I written this when I read: 

Trappist-1 immigration website crashes due to heavy demand

Find out the real truth about these universal and earth shattering events here...

Or there's ...

DeCaf

Nothing beats the clean, fresh taste and non-headache inducing effect of a decaffeinated beverage. Hot, cold or indifferent, decaf is the new caf. Now I'm regularly sleeping for hours, dreaming in a non-threatening way and the emails from my Fitbit are all very positive and motivating. There never has been a better time to remain alive and coasting along habitually consuming stuff.

Dan Armstrong turns...

...slowly in his grave perhaps, my attempt at see-through guitar making isn't quite as stylish as his plexiglass models from the seventies but it's kind of original in look if not execution. Shabby-chic meets drastic plastic sort off. There's still a bit of work to do, I'm content at the moment to move slowly like some snail with a clockwork motor requiring a wind up. Yesterday's medical appointment was useful and progressive, I just need to retrain parts of me to behave as nature intended so I'm practicing grimacing, time keeping and being as active as a fellow can be by hanging pictures, washing cars and knocking out the occasional guitar or fiddling with the many experiments and stragglers sitting on or close to the for sale rack. The road to Wellville beckons.