Everyday events in Bizarro World

In Bizarro World a four in-line cylinder auto engine is compared with a two cylinder boxer engine. The two cylinder boxer wins out as it has magical properties and runs on some sophisticated fairy dust kind of fuel. Turns out it's soother and more reliable and everybody wants one #BizarroPhysics. I believe that this is the direction that Tesla is now headed with it's latest research. 

To the tune of "What if God appeared and said 'by the way it's pronounced Jod' and then disappeared forever". (He may have also whispered under his breath, "a curse on your churches and your cruel and overbearing colonial attitudes towards cultures you don't understand").

Nine Day Score

Very interesting musical concept and striking design, details are here. All very downloadable for a reasonably small fee. The famous Cafe OTO in Dalston plays no small part in this.

If badgers were reptiles

If badgers were reptiles and not err...badgers, (maybe repto-badgers), Wind in the Willows might have been an all together different kind of story. In another parallel universe far far away, badgers are also enamel badges (with hidden pins) but still manage to go about their business in a fairly workmanlike badger way. Well done you various kinds of non-existent imaginary badgers. 

Fun Fact: All badgers like to squish mud as it can be a joyful medium to do dance moves in using the strange vibrations they create with their rigid arm movements.

Not everyday I feel superior

So to give this painting it's full title and to prevent you from wondering here we have: "It's not everyday I feel superior, just most days".  This almost original artwork and inspirational piece is now available for exclusive distribution. In pastel and acrylic this contemporary work depicts the internal conflict that often prevails between our own physical and spiritual selves. A key element in gaining understanding of these somewhat elusive truths is shown in the mountain top scene where the subject is wearing a scarf but critically no actual socks. In certain circles this outward gesture (the clear depiction of naked socklessness) is viewed as a telling comment on the inner spiritual vacuum that might prevail during a sustained period of metaphorical mountaintop isolation when the subject is experiencing a "bliss crisis". In all things you must speak with the hidden voice and and listen with the silent ear to view with the crystal eye and so come to your own conclusions.

Please contact us via out usual lofty mountain peak bivouac address for further information on prospective purchases and career advice*.

*Address only known by those within the inner circle of the inner circle.

Occasional Guitar Clinic

 

So after only 40+ years of playing Les Paul (type) guitars, why have I only stumbled upon "top wrap" now? Idly watching YouTube I came across what was described as a "controversial secret" that's been argued about on forums and in venues and studios since god knows when. News to me but then I don't get out much. It seems there's a healthy body of professional opinion that says wrapping the strings round and over on a Gibson type bridge improves tone, sustain and tuning. Well I never. Naturally I tried it yesterday morning, adding a fresh set of strings and a bit of cleaning up in the process. Does it make difference? Well a day in it's hard to be sure but it may well be a change for the better.

P.S.Gibson's own promotional materials seem to show their bridges being used both ways so it's really whatever you think and are comfortable with.

Another hack I happened upon came up on YouTube a few minutes after top wrap concerns keeping unwound strings in tune on a Gibson  3 x 3 style neck. To solve the numerous tuning issues (and all other non-straight pull string configurations guitars have), wind the string from middle to top (not middle to bottom) when tightening and tuning. This will cure all those ongoing issues you probably have with unwound Gs, notoriously the most awkward bastards of the string community. Does it work? Sounding OK so far, and excuse the illustrated untidy string winds.

Final tip (and one I've known for ages) a small shot of lead pencil graphite on the nut and bridge rollers (or pieces) can help lubricate and steady the strings and also preserve tuning and create a little less wear and tear (ping!).

Her brightly coloured materials

Cat, with various supernatural qualities and inhuman physical skills, catching up on BBC's patchy but entertaining Dark Materials from a relatively safe distance*.

This of course brings me onto the rather awkward subject of names we give to animals (particularly pets) and the names they give themselves. This does assume a certain level of animal awareness and human ignorance. I'm happy to go with that. We tell ourselves stories to explain the world all the time. I suspect that for many animals their self given names are nothing we could recognise. I'm almost sure that the language of "animal smell", pretty much unknown to humans, is the basis of what might be loosely described as an animal name or at least a means of recognition. Smell as a label and marker and way of telling time works very well it seems. Just watch how cats and dogs behave towards each other (assuming that they don't begin the social encounter with an all out attack), the scent of another is key to communicating and understanding time and distance. I'll just remain silent and happily odourless to other humans as you mull over these deep truths and revelations.

*Photo by LB

Universal Rules

Space piloting, some top tips: When operating in the (easy) lander mode it is always important to get your line of horizon (zero setting) as straight as possible. A steady hand and an uncorrupted auto-approach program is vital to the mission. This simple advice can prevent dizziness and nausea for both passengers and crew as you avoid unnecessary turbulence and the potential for chassis or thermal violence. Try it out for yourself and have a pleasant trip and an even better return to earth. Easy with the snacks please.*

*For more piloting tips please create your own website by stopping your procrastination and actually doing it (because I say so etc.), type in whatever advice you like using the heading "Space Pilot - Tips and Tricks" and away you go. Dream realized.

Pacific Ocean Clear

Slightly over ten years ago my feet landed in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. There they are stood firmly on the bottom, toes slightly splayed for extra grip. They were at the time very much attached to my legs and I'm happy to say that's the way they are today. This photo popped up as part of my laptop's randomized daily screen show yesterday and in a brief burst of nostalgia I thought it was worth sharing. I don't believe I still have those trousers however, they're long gone.

Fog on the Forth

Ancient South Queensferry proverb:

"If you can't see the bridge it's foggy and if you can see the bridge its about to get foggy."

This is a very versatile proverb and one that can quite easily be reversed and rearranged without actually altering the meaning. This technique does not work for all proverbs, particularly those in the Bible (where I presume the whole proverb thing started in the first place).

Neanderthal Porn

*Undiscovered art: Discovered on the cave walls, deep in a cave in a deep valley in a deep district of deepest France by an explorer named Jean-Paul in 1887. Early evidence of NP or Neanderthal Porn: as it is commonly known by excited paleontologist and anthropologists who aren't just in it for the bones and fossils. This rare example is offered for sale at a price that truly reflects the corruption and good taste in today's art world. Viewings are via Google Earth and the lucky highest bidder will need reliable access to heavy tunneling equipment and the significant amount of used Euros required to bribe stubborn local officials. The bidding starts ... NOW!

Here's a modern artist's "artists impression" of the subject sitting for the work back in the day.

* "Undiscovered Art is currently enjoying a high level of bombardment by Russian Bots. Currently all our employees are busy. We are eager to talk to you as soon as possible. Have you visited our website  https://impossiblesongs.blogspot.com/ ? You can find an overview of our services and products there. Your call is very important to us and we are dedicated to making time for all our customers. Unfortunately, all lines are still busy and so we must ask for your patience".

Headphones not included

The Bell Catalogue reflections caused me to further reflect on my other early 70s guitar equipment. I suppose the meanest and most useful bit of bedroom kit I owned was a WEM PA40, not purchased from Bell. It was second hand, retailing at about £20 from Live Music on Edinburgh's Leith Walk. It was an incredible and almost indestructible valve amp bargain that could do PA but worked well with guitars. It saw a lot of service in it's few years with me before being sold off in some regrettable gear purge that I foolishly decided upon. I wish I still had it. I still remember lugging it home on the bus, proud as punch.

I also wish I had the 1974 sunburst Telecaster that was purchased for me using "band funds" (following the plot of Easy Rider) a little later. I only had it for about six months and to be honest never got the best from it as my playing at the time was way behind the potential of such an instrument. It was lost to me somewhere on the Channel Island of Jersey where a crazy "summer covers band" idea totally collapsed and broke up in a fashionable fog of sex, drugs and eastern promise. I hope that it found a home with a better and more responsible player, I doubt I'll ever know it's fate. For some unknown reason we were pitching ourselves as a sort of version of Poco meets Pilot meets Pink Floyd affair that was never destined to succeed. Too many Ps. Also having  incompetence as our most common attribute didn't help.

As cameras were seldom present in my exclusive circle of catastrophes these are I'm afraid stock images that don't quite tell the full story. What little personal memorabilia I had was lost in a house fire, aka a long running divorce.

Bell Catalogue

Musicians and "has beens" of a certain age will remember with a certain bitter-sweet fondness the joys and agony of time wasting and day dreaming by reading through the infamous Bell Catalogue. Free music porn for teenage boys looking to escape the reality of being an apprentice plumber or bricklayer, viewed while thoughtfully puffing on an Embassy Regal filter tip from the safety of their poster plastered bedrooms. In the late sixties and early seventies every wannabe pop star had a dog eared copy and many signed up for the HP deals that allowed you to purchase your dream gear by mail order in easy installments. It was a painful and costly rights of passage event, a necessary way for my generation to learn the cruel truths of economics. 

The page above shows my second ever guitar (but first "electric" one), The completely dull and pedestrian "Egmond Lucky Seven", an embarrassing and feeble instrument if there ever was one, but in my head it was akin to Neil Young's White Falcon in firepower and stature. It was of course powered through by the WEM Dominator (as below), complete with an ear piercing treble boost circuit carefully designed to rattle all the nearby council house windows exposed to it's 15w powerhouse and so incur the wrath of peace loving parents. Glory days, drenched in feedback and tuneless wonderment and all connected by curly leads.

 

Big Brother and the Pharma Company

There will be an Ad in 4 Seconds. Thank You.

"Big pharma rules, a lifeboat in the storms, governments are happy to stump up, roll up your sleeve, just a little pin prick, you may feel a little sick etc. I've heard it all before, chips and chimps and thought control. Bill Gates really does want to monitor your life, to peek into your comings and goings because however trivial they are, they are marketable, they'll be recorded as they gather their data, formerly known as your data. You see social media, though effective doesn't quite tell us the whole story. So resistance is futile. We're diving deeper. There is such a thing as the common good, you've simply not been able to see that before and to be honest you're nothing special no matter what you might think but the numbers and sequences you generate are valuable."

"Without the vaccine you cant work, cant travel, cant get a bank account, no social security, no welfare or health care, no purchases, no phone, no internet accounts, no mixing, no sex. How's that going for you? Prepared to lose your identity, your home, your kids, your human rights? So choose an arm, left or right and let the vaccination do it's work, play a role in bringing about a safer world. It's part of your ID now, we'll email you a unique number shortly. Old people can now die with dignity, young people live without fear and those in the soggy, flabby middle badlands just do whatever they need to do to pass the time. It's been a long while coming but you can feel necessary and valued and entertained. Your tax dollars and pounds are being spent sensibly. Be assured." 

"A wise man once said that the best way to feel safe on an aeroplane is to carry a small bomb on board. The chances of one bomb being on the aircraft are 1/1000 but two bombs are 1/100000. That's how safe you can make it all by simply doing your bit, playing your part. Sign up, step up, form a line for the vaccine today (well when it becomes available and if you are a member of a qualifying group) and be a good citizen. Terms and conditions apply."

The views expressed here are not mine but they might be yours.

2 x Bonfire

                                     Above: real life for what it's worth.

                              Below: unreal life can be anything you want.

Wilder People

In search of the new Wilder People it seems, but I am actually thinking differently: A good idea and I hope it gets some traction and is able to develop as well as deliver change. Nice glossy website and suitable pictures here. But looking at the illustration it appears that the bigger wildlife; bears, wolves, lynx etc. aren't included yet. I guess the hunting and shooting landowners have views, then there's tourists and (sometimes dirty) wild campers (teach them a lesson?), not to mention restless natives and townies. It's complicated. Lessons might have to be learned. Education is required ... and ambition and fences.

Welcome to my Cyanometer

 How blue are your skies today?

Return of Tesco cat

I'm not obsessed with supermarkets, I'm not a daily visitor, it's just in these strangled times there's no where else to go without attracting police attention and a small but unreasonable fine. So Tesco cat was back, the first actual sighting in nearly a year but still within his regular habitat. The soothing odour of chopped up timber and synthetic logs dipped in some inflamable liquid from China sends out a warming message of comfort to cats and signals the impending doom of yet another unavoidable Christmas season, tempered by rampant Covid pessimism. So as the November rain beats against the store's plexiglass windows and the masked OAPs shuffle by it's nice to know he's still snug under the warm air curtain of the foyer. 

Retail Therapy

After a few weeks of fruitless searching I finally found where the Nesquik is located in my local, reasonably sized branch of Tesco. In my head I'd decided long ago not to ask any staff for assistance, I considered it a sort of Nesquik based quest* or expedition. A test of character, determination and resolve. So I came upon it today quite by chance (if you can believe that sort of thing). Strangely enough the elusive fine powder was in the soft drinks aisle and not near any dairy produce or confectionery or actual mixed up dry beverages or ingredients. Why soft drinks I wonder? It has nothing whatsoever in common with fizzy lemonade, fruit shoots or drinks. The fabric of reality has been shredded. I left the store bemused and actually unable to make a purchase, well there was only banana flavour and strawberry on the shelf; no actual chocolate. It was that kind of day. 

* ⓘ 𝗢𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴

P.S. Some insider knowledge: Good retail store layouts are those that improve three things: revenue, customer experience and placing the Nesquik in an unexpected location. Too often, retailers forget about the latter component in pursuit of the former and the barnstormer. This is a big mistake, as research has shown that whoever delivers the better experience typically reaps the higher revenues. In the current era of the “experience economy,” it becomes even more relevant: Your store may be selling physical objects, but your customers’ experience is an intangible but crucial prerequisite of the sale. 

Another reason experience is important: Remember that retail store interior design is meant to influence customers’ behavior. By carefully considering the design and spatial arrangements of the store, you can drive more sales and encourage a "treasure hunt" mentality and allow customers to embark on lengthy expeditions to far off places in the building as they discover strange new items to purchase.

Rainbows across the giraffes

 
Out of context headlines: Home Alone at 30: how the unlikely Christmas comedy has endured. Operation Moonshot 'like building the Channel tunnel without civil engineers'. Call any spade and some shovel is bound to answer. Cornwall cooker deaths: Turkish company not aware of risk. Firms agree Scotland to England renewable energy 'superhighway'. Study finds ticks choose humans over dogs when temperature rises. Misfits review and there's no place like Essex. 'Devolution' a disaster. How we met: ‘She was the love of my life but she had to focus on getting sober’. Dominic Cummings' media approach often means he'll become little more than a footnote in history. "I have a lot of respect for JK Rowling". French broadcaster apologises after wrongly killing off the Queen and Pelé. Rainbow giraffes across the muddy bridges. Families line up to use the app. This makes about as much sense as what I regularly put out, jumbled letters and spaces that may or may not make sense and does that matter and is it art anyway?

Haribo Cola Bottle

Cobweb removal. Getting a few DIY projects sorted out and having some work done in the back garden. Looking quite good so far.

One of my other current "works in progress" is a personal tribute piece aimed squarely at the world famous Haribo Cola Bottle, a gummy cult object if there ever was one. Progress is painful but tolerable:

My intention is to successfully scale this up and then do a rendering of it onto Salisbury Crags in Edinburgh in time for the ritual (Waitrose sponsored) hangings, as part of the Summer Solstice festivities of 2021. I'm sure that the Outlander tourists and darling artistic types will lap this up.