Things that begin with T

Tea Cups - used to safely hold hot herbal drinks, the kind that have become fashionable as a result of our shameful Imperialist history, drug cravings and thirst.

Telephones - handy devices used to make and receive crank calls at odd hours of the day or night.

Thailand - far eastern country currently struggling with getting the correct balance between tourists, police and demonstrators.

Tourists - hard working but bewildered people who have gone as far as their money could get them and now want to get back home without spending any more.

Tourism - the name of an educational course carried out by the Open University and a number of badly named colleges scattered across the Central Belt.

Toyota - Japanese car firm that specialises in manufacturing cars and pick-up trucks made in Japan and other places. Noted for their "snick-snick" gear boxes.

Tantrum - extreme form of behaviour particularly noted in chimps, Scottish politicians and school teachers.

Top-Gear - amusing and irreverent TV programme and periodical that celebrates and champions the motor vehicle and the views and values of middle-aged men.

Toxic - toxic pop tune performed by "Forces Favourite" Brittany Spiers.

Thomas the Tank Engine - blue choo choo loved by small boys everywhere. An urban myth has it that Thomas was in fact the fifth Beatle.

Transcendental Meditation - a form of ritualised day-dreaming generally practised by twats and bored rich people with nothing else to do.

Twats - see above.

Travel - the art of moving smoothly between places either for business or for pleasure.

Time travel - as above but with an added dimension and a degree of danger and uncertainty.

Turnip - root vegetable that is notoriously difficult to cook and control. Popular with the agricultural classes and students for it's ability to create tummy gas.

Twix - two fingered chocolate sweet manufactured by the Mars Corporation.

Tree - leafy form of erect, growing wood worshiped by some religions and left wing pressure groups.

Tasmania - small island even further away than Australia. Popular in cartoon loving circles.

Tudor - obsolete crisp making company and one time despotic ruling family of England.

Ten Years After - 60s rock band famous for the tedious overplaying of electric blues related music at Woodstock.

Tinkerbell - Disney fairy character mildly related to the J M Barrie original and Julia Roberts.

Tentsmuir Forest - dull and over-rated area on the Fife coast that could do with being bulldozed by Donald Trump's people.

Trump (Donald) - Real estate whizz-kid who owns large golden buildings in New York run and operated by surly and unhelpful staff of questionable Afro-American origins.

Trumper - fine aristocratic and old English family from the heartlands of the Midlands. Often shows a degree of unwarranted tea-cup enthusiasm following marriage or spending too long in the cold.