Getting rid of the smell

Hofner Shorty travel guitar, purchased on eBay for £60. Surprisingly playable and complete with a powerful humbucker jet engine and solid controls. Why didn't I get one of these years ago? Easyjet charge £50 for a musical instrument case going in the hold. This thing could fit nicely in your back pocket or up the sleeve of your puffy anorak.

Krispy-Kreme doughnuts are unhealthy, delicious, irresistible and come in boxes of a dozen for £10.45. They are an unhealthy plague and will be the ruin of our civilisation if we let them. The SNP nannies should ban them along with fags and Irn-Bru. So they remain legal here in Fife but still act as fatally horrid drugs that could be made illegal as soon as I die happy from that  sweet, slow sugar and jam flavoured poisoning.

In Scotland there appears to be little or no classy or pretentious graffiti, we're proud of just writing our names with the letters in the correct order and doing basic street-wise tagging. "We were here" in other words, now we're someplace else. Quite profound really. Eat your anonymous and multifunctional heart out Mr Banksy.

Abandoned HGV trailer in the woods. How did it ever get there?

A big mouse, or a family of mice or some great and once proud other type of rodent brethren have expired in the great dark void that exists under the great dark central heating boiler. As a result the kitchen stinks and I wish the kitchen would also sink without trace. I'm lighting little tea lights that smell of orange meadows, bubblegum and strawberry shortcake in order to address this intolerable situation. I may well move onwards to some friendly Travelodge or even the refuge of the living room until nature takes it's long winded and stinking course. Double Ugh! (Ugh!).