Stuffing the Christmas Volvo

There's no doubt that stuffing a Christmas tree into a Volvo seems like the most natural thing in the world. I imagine that in the far away land known as Sweden it is some kind of national winter sport, along with it's own world records, specialists, woollie jumpers, thrash metal, icy beer and pigs heads on spikes.Today I had a go, it was the usual seasonal pantomime, the cold's now  departed and we're left with damp and dispiriting gales. You choose your 8 foot tree from a windswept B&Q bin, priced at £27.99 or thereabouts, you lug it to the robot till and in the space of 30 seconds it's jumped up in price to £47.99. You think "fuck it I need this tree" and blame your lack of glasses and curse rampant hedge fund managers and George Osborne. You certainly don't dare query the bar code and by this time you're covered in damp pine needles and have grown strangely attached to your dead wooden companion. Then the ritual of Volvo stuffing begins, the key components being: a) don't damage the precious tree, b) don't get any wetter than you are already and c) don't cover the car in pine needles (it's not a good look) and d) don't drop the tree into a puddle or under another car's wheels. In Sweden they do this in mere seconds. Here, the old Viking genes have worn off a bit and it can take a while and items a - d may well befall the intrepid tree buyer. Any way we're home safe now and the tree is outside in the rain. I know that seems kind of cruel but at some point it will enter the house and be tarted up like Lady Gaga for it's short lived festive fortnight. It's nearly Christmas, phew. Thanks to Wagonized for the Volvo drawing, I take no credit.

Deep cold

It's that deep and stiff December cold, everything  is dark and frozen. The ending of the world on the 21st now seems remotely possible in these conditions, the planet could just slow down and stop in a minus Centigrade mist of frozen air, a silent puff and we all just stand stiff, stuck in our tracks. The running down timing of the year, beating it's own internal clock around and slugging with the sun for the rights to the longest night and shortest day, all taking a perverse pleasure in a deep cold that touches the raw bone's root. There is of course no escape, it's heads down, hands tight in pockets, make a grimace and clutch on to some hot beverage, turn the car heating up, choke on the exhaust, lean on a warm radiator, pull up the duvet. Then there's the internal glow of a golden and supernatural heater that blurs the edges, tapers  away the sharp point of a frozen sting and calms your world down to that of the slowly tilting motion of the earth. Those few precious degrees that feed the seasons and take all the blame for climate and quirks. That'll be the  alcohol, whisky or some such, a winter antidote. Just don't tell the Scottish Government.

Goggle box

Just got around to watching this on the goggle box via the good offices of the British Broadcasting Corporation and Sky's jagged little yellow button. Big lines of Orange amps, some serial guitar face gurning and liberties taken with the tunes but it's all ancient history now. Good enough to do the ironing to, that's the acid test.

Whispered Revolution

Corporations avoiding tax is almost as shocking as celebs having bad / illegal sex or politicians lying or fiddling their expenses or Islamic Clerics being called "radical".  It's inevitable, predictable and come the whispered revolution there will be no more religion, crap cardboard coffee shops, on-line box shifters, bloated phone companies exploiting the exploited, clunky biased search engines, socially excluding networking sites and no Big Bad Blue. That'll be fine then and we'll just have a perfect world full of Nissan Leafs, green tea cafes, wind up laptops, wind turbines, Linda McC sausages, smooth free-jazz radio, rhubarb wine, equal rights for badgers and non competitive sports. Bollox.

Today we removed everything from the garage, checked it, mulled over it and then put it back exactly where was in the first place but in the process somehow forming a slighter bigger pile than before. We are settling in however. Meanwhile that cats experienced the outside world for the first time, it was touch and go for a moment and then they...went. We're now poised with the remote controls, torches and some cold cut chicken to try to entice them back out of the cold black void and into the warmth.

Batteries not really included

This morning's view from the window, we seem to have left the slide in the wrong place.

Funny how complicated it can be those buying tiny batteries you get for things like hearing aids, car key fobs and remote controlled cat locators. We spent most of today trying to track an obscure size down and in so doing visited the premises of Currys, Boots, Sainsburys, Homebase, Morrisons and Argos. We did get one battery in Boots at £3.25, that represented the total stock in Scotland apparently (but the assistant was very helpful) and I got a free pitcher of Rose wine. We despaired, who held these elusive and essential little batteries?

Then there came divine intervention in the form of honest advice: Poundshops! There and quite inexplicably you can purchase a card of about 18 tiny batteries in every conceivable size for...£1.  It was the high point of the day, well almost, we were also running about in a shiny new Subaru XV, how cool was that?

Queen of the Seas

Normally the seas don't take kindly to being ruled over by arrogant and thoughtless kings or even by proud and beautiful queens. These royal  relationships are strained, difficult and occasionally they can become dangerous. The good news is that every so often the seas make an exception and for a time they can be subjugated though never tamed. We were lucky to briefly experience such a time, but these moments are precious, they are rare and to be cherished, captured and as far as possible remembered.

Gods of yesterday

Not quite right either.

The power of pantheon-ism: The older and more mystical I become I seem to hear the voices of the Gods of yesterday whisper and sing from all sorts of strange and unexpected places. I find a "warm Jeep seat" kind of comfort in this. Having denied myself spiritual experiences for some time these ethereal events stir my cold and alcohol starved heart. The door in my office has taken to sounding like Chewbacca. It makes mournful noises as if castigated by a manic Han Solo or upset at the loss of some Wookie stronghold or home planet. Then there is the cold water tap that, with the right adjustment, sounds like Draculus, the great green bird who advised and scolded the dim Noggin the Nog from time to time. How I miss his wise words, they came at 5.40 on the BBC just before the main news (that was when there was proper monochrome news, not the biased drivel we currently get). There is also the microwave that gives a stirring rendition of the first few bars of “Jump” by the Pointer Sisters. It makes heating up any tin of your favourite Heinz product fun and provides the opportunity for a quick disco dance around the kitchen. I also know of a fire exit that's producing ZZ Top crunch guitar noises but I can't quite remember where it is. That of course is another problem with getting on a bit. Did I mention the toilet flush that once pulled does the scary bit from “Echoes” by Pink Floyd? And I'll never forget the lathe in a dockyard engineering workshop that was a dead ringer for most of Tangerine Dream's back catalogue. What a drag it is getting old.

Fuck it! It's going to be a Marks & Spencer, Sadistic & Masochistic & Multiple Sclerosis based Christmas this year complete with hampers, frozen limbs, tiny cheese burgers and miscellaneous high street and web based vouchers from the company of your choice which will most likely be one that has failed to pay any kind of meaningful tax in the UK since Winston Churchill was a boy. Leave the greedy but clearly legally acting big boys with their milky coffee and warehouses alone I say, adding more tax money into the government coffers only encourages politicians to do stupid things with your cash. It's like talking to one of them on a doorstep, it only ever gets worse and feeds the flames. Good luck to them and smoke 'em if you've got 'em. Tomorrow will be my Black or possibly Bleak Friday, I'll source all the relevant Chrissy booty, squirrel it into the back pocket of my jeans and then sit in the car with a warm bucket of KFC leftovers and salmonella whilst listening to the Comedy Hour on Radio Scotland (the home of witty banter). I often find that on reflection, these things I muse over and daydream about seldom come to pass and if they do they are always a bit of a disappointment. In life it's the anticipation that counts for most of the enjoyment. Learn to make your latte last Young Master.

Teeth on edge

Needs more work...

My teeth have been on perpetual edge today, a likely product of the mustard mackerel and noodle diet combination mixed with pre-ice age temperatures, frozen Volvos and failing footwear. Anyway it's lucky for the entire world that even the almost bitter, bitter weather, the media frenzy over royal pregnancies and George Osborne's stream of curious measures and facial expressions doesn't stop me having a steady succession of ideas, some of which are better than the others and don't themselves require described in complete or well constructed sentences. They are out there.

So I'm feeling sorry for the cats. They are being driven mad by the intense cold, the itchy carpets and anything made of cane or rattan. These materials seem to provoke them into ripping the hell out of the poor, innocent stuff. It's full on claws and a kind of pent up feline aggression released that's desperate to rip the reeds to shreds. It makes a lot of unpleasant noise and it's not the best thing to wake up to. I may to take the edge of a blunt Black and Decker to them - that's either the cat's claws or the rattan.

Winter Post

The end of our single track street.

Winter Post? Where do you find it? Under a wheelbarrow, under a garden chair, on top of a wheelie bin, next door, at the Post Office, hidden behind a bush. The ingenuity of the delivery services knows no bounds. Today the snow brought a new dimension to our location, slithering up the single track road for the country mile that it takes to get to the main road and just timing that final turn at the uphill fishtail  so the traffic can be safely joined. I just made it so at least I now know what's possible in a elderly Volvo. Always good to get the first few key Winter experiences in.

Roadtrip

Willow water with photobomb.

Just back from a weekend spent some time on the M74, M6 and also in Widnes. Back on the couch now, worn out but happy. The party photos are on Facebook. Too tired to say much more.

Not animated

I'm not animated (anymore), I'm busy. In a new (to you) house it's tough to start knocking holes into walls, it seems one brave and crazy step too far. Plunging into the unknown, not sure what materials, pipework or electrical cables lurk behind the wall, so it's a bit of a rough baptism once you start making the holes and naturally once you do, finding that it's just the same as any other house. Solid in some places, hollow in others.

The community of isolated societies

The tank before we moved it.

And so it came to pass that the old oil tank moved from West to East Fife. Having never tried to move an empty oil tank before I was unsure as to how easy it would be. It turned out not to be easy at all and I was glad I'd warned the buyer by text to "bring a mate". He did but it was bigger than a simple three man task, indeed getting the tank from the garden turned out to be much more of a Laurel and Hardy slapstick experience than I had imagined. There were slips, trips, not so comic quips, minor injuries, puffing and blowing, bad ideas and better ideas. I was for a time reminded of Herzog's epic film Fitzcarraldo where a steamship is pulled through the Peruvian rain forest for some bizarre reason to do with growing rubber trees. So (despite the rain and a nearby forest) we clawed our slippery way across the lawn, across a stone wall, through the woods till we reached a track where the pickup truck could pick it all up. By the not so romantic light of wind up torches the task took an hour. As I waved a fond farewell to the injured and exhausted new owners there were tears in my eyes, yes I was in that much pain. Now to hose down the spilled kerosene and repair the various bits of minor environmental damage. Another happy day here in isolation.

The isolated society of communities

The simple and useful utilitarian bathroom shower, easy to install and easy to use...most of the time. Here in the isolated society of not so isolated and wanna be isolated communities the affixing of a new shower bracket is always a fun activity. The critical part being drilling into stubborn bathroom tiles. Ours appear to be in their second career, their first one clearly was as armour plating on a Tiger Tank. And so it was that after much drilling, swearing, more drilling, a lost chuck key and more swearing the auxiliary shower bracket and associated packaging conundrum puzzle was finally solved. Naturally I celebrated with a peach/banana and yogurt smoothie...Italian style. Now I'm away to the fair city of Glasgow to rescue my brood from the clutches of those cheeky and noisy Canadians the ever lovin' Crystal Castles.

The society of isolated communities

The Mutual Aid Society for Isolated Communities held it's first pizza and salad meeting today. Thanks to a generous imaginary grant from the Scottish Government we hope to be able to fund a few essential services sorted around here:

Road surface repairs, extended parking, regular bin collection, a "confuse the Groc programme", retaining wall building works, the digging of field drains, climate change (in the right direction), a Chinese lug worm farming project and a beer and venison based BBQ event (monthly).

Pimp my X Wing

Star Bores: We got my grandson a birthday Lego X-Wing (8 years + and he's just turned 8). Not sure how long building it will take but we're looking at an hour and half construction time at least , maybe more. I'm posting this just to prove I'm big hearted enough to forgive the mandarins and bean counters at Disney, Lucasfilm, Lego and even the Flying Burrito Brothers for whatever offence was taken at my Darth Vader Red Bubble photo earlier this month. Lego is still fun and small boys still like Star Wars so I'll suck it up.

No Steak Bake: Today's main mercy mission (apart from delivering the X-Wing) was to drop in a vital, life saving consignment of some Stephen's Steak Bridies for the eager and hungry in the far away land of Aberdeen. I hope they were appreciated and that the parachute wasn't too entangled in the tree.

File under food related: As if determined to play havoc with my cholesterol and monk like healthy diet those entrepreneurs in our local M&S have installed a fresh bakery that's full of fresh bakery products and wonderful smells and aromas. So much so that you don't just want to buy the bread, you want to buy the whole shop and anything else for sale in the surrounding area. Curse you, you capitalist and nice smelling bakers.

London - more daily photos

Under London's Guildhall there's a Roman ruin, an amphitheatre with the bones and stones preserved below the streets above. A wooden sewage pipe ran through the middle but the wooden sewage has gone,  nowadays Tron like figures pose and the great British public ponder the past.

Close up of the virtual Roman Trons punching each other out and celebrating. Strange days.

South of the river, the Shard shines brightly at 2300hrs.

North of the river, St Pauls is warmly lit up for  the  cold November night. 

Breakfast by the Tate Modern building site at Fratelli's coffee shop.  Outside street incidents and accidents abound, a fascinating place to sit and slurp perfect coffee and expensive but tasty yogurt.

Just back from a highly enjoyable 36 hours in the Smoke. Celebrating EH's graduation at the royal ans ancient Guildhall with pomp and circumstance, eating twice cooked chips, swilling and swallowing wine and water, transporting giant umbrellas, using ceramic speech balloons, experiencing a 7am hotel fire alarm, queasy noisy flights and marvelling at the scope and convenience of the Oyster Card. Back home in Scotland and the rain water is running from the fields, down the hill and past the front door. Inside we clear windowsills and prepare for more improvements. Mudslide slim and the blue horizon indeed.

A new and more optimistic era

Whether it was the thirties, the sixties or the eighties,  every so often people believe that "now" is their time, their moment, the best and most opportune of times. I think I've experienced that feeling, briefly, a while ago but not right now. That's not to say I feel bad about things or pessimistic, it's more the languid settling into an acceptance of things being just as they are, whatever that means and making the best of them. Like frying up leftovers and making Bubble and Squeak, again and again but with different seasonings. Drinking yesterday's wine, making do and being content in your borders. Recognising the viscosity of the cycle of things, nobody really learning from their mistakes, the stubborn and stupid denials of leaders...the stiff inevitability.  So the Israeli army are bombing the Palestinians, for the rockets, the rhetoric and reprisals. The USA still backing the diamonds of Israel's traders and the neighbouring shattered states rattling sabres and getting ready to be sucked into or capitalise on the events as a diversion. Always an opportunity in there. The trouble is that nothing will fix this primitive tribal religious friction, the squeeze will continue as Israel moves down a twisted path believing their own obscene destiny as God's one time chosen people, though they dare not confess it to a watching and muddled world. They see this as their (next big) moment and that is their biggest flaw.

Some funky shower

I rather like the photo I took the other day of the new shower unit at Creg-Ny-Baa holiday cottage situated deep in the heart of Fife. You can stay in this cottage and use the funky new shower (for a reasonable fee) if you just click on the Alison's Scottish Cottages link on the right and make a booking. Simple as that.

We live here - ish

Lunch time view from the kitchen. 

Lunch time view from the kitchen - close up. 

Yes, she's a rainbow.

Weeks later: Still busy with the last stages of the house move, we tied up, dusted down, unmopped and surrendered old Abercorn today. We walked away in the grey drizzle and failing light and that was that, five years later or something and the keys pushed through a letter box in a brown envelope. We came home and scoffed pasta and chicken and sadly a stray rainbow crashed into field just up the road. I don't think anybody was hurt in the incident but there was a fair amount of wine consumed and the colours started to blur. All that led to the question "would cheese chocolate cake be as good and socially acceptable as chocolate cheesecake?" I'll never know. Tomorrow the chimney sweep comes at the crack of noon, just before the American Grand Prix begins so I'm brushing up (?) on my Dick Van Dyke jokes and Mockney accents, easy peasy.

Return of the cats

The cat's (Missy and Clint) first few moments exploring their new environment in a different and foreign  house. There was a lot of scuttling, stretching, sniffing, scratching and eventually purring as they gained confidence and their bearings. The bright starry night was a big help. So their organised incarceration will now last for a few days before we unleash them on the neighbourhood moggies who furtively sneak past the windows staking their temporary claims to paths and gardens. Much chaos and hissing is likely to ensue once released.

Banned by Disney

If offended by this image then please contact Mr M Mouse & Co.

The Empire Strikes Back: I got an email today from a web site where the above photo (taken by me in John Lewis' Edinburgh) had been on display. No much of a photo really, a Lego Darth Vader store display that has hardy created a storm of comments or interest. Anyway it turns out that the owner of the "image", presumably Disney these days, has complained to the Californian website where my picture has languished for the last couple of years. Apparently I shouldn't have put it on display because...it belongs to them.  Well then Star Wars fans, look out for your future, Disney is eager to hold onto all parts of it's new investment and as part of a key marketing strategy my image has been quietly removed. Of course I've replied and told them where they can stick their Lego Star Wars, lumpy bits upwards or sideways. May the force of nothing in particular be with you, this doesn't auger well for the future of the franchise.

Rewiring an atomic bomb

Or a TV, Sky box or DVD, it's all the same really, red to red, green to green and blue to smithereens. If you're lucky or technically competent everything will work eventually one fine day.

Out and about and shopping for mug racks and beetroot (which I forgot to buy) I saw my first Christmas trees and other appalling seasonal tat on special offer of course, defiantly on display in the spirit of oafish capitalism and ignorance and asking for the fully Molotov Cocktail treatment, another fine day. Their rough brainwashing process is failing on me, thankfully. I'm no longer angry, I'm indifferent and elsewhere.

Still life with stepladder

Flit: Uneven, empty rooms and stained floors, dark and light wood, marks on walls and the brief, fading, intense tattoos we leave as we pass through the cobweb that is our bit of history. Been here, been there, got tangled, laid down and slept and then slid into a new version of this mobile freedom that takes us across the water; elsewhere. We always cross the water, symbolic and cleansing, temporary invasion that turns into settlement and an arm stretched out to find peace and meaning. So we are not here but there and everything is falling into place as if the past never happened.

James Bond- Skyfall: Quite a good movie (needs an "e" in Sky to make complete sense), takes the mind away from shelves, boxes and house moves. James is impossible, wounded, drunk and strong and unbelievably Scottish. Secrets and special effects make the action pass quickly to the tune of B&J's strawberry cheese cake ice cream and there is a good baddie to disconcert and hold in some fresh nightmare. Not a bad cinema outing for those who find loose ends useful. Take some tea with you and mind those steps on re-entry. You can also purchase your Hobbit tickets now, never thought I'd say that.

Hidden Souls

Farewell Abercorn: The big move and most of the clean up is over leaving the house a bit of a sterile and empty husk, dry and abandoned with it's own personal ghosts, our spirits have roamed and moved on. Some others will re-engage with the house some other time but not us.

Meanwhile I was so busy on the house clearing I forgot Remembrance Sunday's 11:00 silence, usually I observe a few moments for my Dad, a young sailor at sea from 1939 till 1945 and his best friend who went down with HMS Hood. All so long ago. I learned from him the importance of remembering and...today I forgot.

We once lived here

Here it is, the grand old house where we lived for more than five years bathed in the watery rays of a short lived November sun. Now we've moved on and beyond and the old ranch will hopefully have new and happy inhabitants. Today's two van, two car furniture move went remarkably smoothly (but a few weeks of planning and shuttle runs of prized possessions had taken place) and we're in, The Sky and BT Broadband are both working and only umpteen cardboard boxes remain to be emptied. Tea? Prosecco and fish and chips. A hard wired cooker and other utilities to follow.

Unrelated rodeo

Moving house is hard work, as is real work. Both of these things are happening right now and are unavoidable and I can't be bothered to cook. What better then than an occasional extra protein and junk booster meal, it's time to return to Burger King for the Rodeo BBQ and a cheeky wee latte.

All power is...

USA: Is the tide rushing in or rushing out? Over here in the European backwoods and mother of parliaments the USA Election looks to be a peculiar and frankly distastefully undemocratic spectacle. Hysterical supporters chant meaningless  slogans and invest disproportionate amounts of faith and belief in flesh and blood politicians who they expect to improve their common lot, someplace in the future. Like some crazy Middle Eastern funeral passionate people throw themselves at unworthy saviours and swallow media driven soundbites  as if they were divine and profound utterances. Money pours down a star spangled drain of rallies and events, buttons and banners and wall to wall TV commercials. Ugh! It's all  an ugly piece of human circus and the lowest level of distorted and disfigured politics. A broken system relying upon fickle swing States and a belligerent and hostile congress that ultimately must be wrestled with and tamed. Meanwhile the poor, the needy and the ignorant look on from hurricane shelters and housing projects. All power is tyranny...sometimes.

Birdhouse in your soul revisited

Part of the great house moving experience: Moving the bird house(s). In this Kansas blue variety (that nicely matches the Provence blue of the new house) we found this sad little abandoned egg sitting alone  in a very well constructed and cosy nest. The hard work of nest building had unfortunately come to nothing, out there in the wild it can be tough raising a family. I also suspect that one of our cats may well have had a paw in the demise of the egg's parents. We'll try again in our new location come the spring.

Movin' on up

Cheese and chocolate melted back up tapes (remember them IT Guys?), a tasty and hot snack after  the afternnoon exertions of dumping the old cooker.  Nigella eat your heart and soggy middle out.

View from a car-wash. The clean car lasted about 12 hours.

One quirky, watery moon over West Lothian, one of the last we'll see before all the fireworks and passing grocks obliterate things.

We're frantically packing, boxes and trugs are everywhere, stuff is sorted, discarded, punted, picked and slowly transported.  It seems we've gathered and  imagined numerous possessions. Things unseen since the last move appear as if by magic and remind us of what we didn't do or forgot. It's a fascinating time. Dismantling the trampoline, unbuilding beds, doing those well avoided odd jobs that take little time anyway. Then before the crunching back ache takes hold we slump back into the warmth of the remaining couches and watch the bare walls and the Saturday telly and consider turning blood to alcohol. Tomorrow we're back for more, packing and revision, relentless laundry, fiddly allen keys and bunks and melted cheese on chili...oh and wet and muddy football somewhere.

More banana

I took a banana to Birmingham and brought it back uneaten...kicking the can down the road. Eating an apple in the airport...leaving the bath plug in when showering...warm feet on a cold day. Hot pasta with torn chicken...reading Kindle prose and packing stuff into cardboard boxes.

It's slowly occurring to me that common blogging is fading away, as if someone had thrown a cup of water on a witch, moved on to other things, other methods, other social media, other worlds.

Don't eat the ham

Ham: The note said quite clearly don't eat the ham but alas I saw the note too late and by that time I had in fact eaten all the ham. It was of course incorporated into a little salad ensemble. Tasty.

Packing books: I was impressed that whilst packing that awkward category of books labeled "For the Garage" they all seemed to sit rather well together in a box and none of them resorted to spontaneous combustion or anything weird. The books were (and in no particular order); The Koran, The New English Bible, The Life of Buddha, The History of Witchcraft, some Richard Dawkins' stuff, Das Kapital and the Simpson's Scripts Series 4 & 5.

Wedding ring: I thought I'd lost it, I emptied out and checked three wheelie bins in the frosty dark whilst wearing a very becoming head torch (two blue recycles and a black messy bin), searched the house, began to unpack the "For the Garage" newly packed books - then I found it in my pocket. Phew.

Get one here

An oil tank that is, you know you want one, you might even need one. Just think of the 1200 litres of gay and/or merry Christmas Kerosene you could store there, just the ticket for family and friends and waifs and strays as the tail end of Hurricane Sandy Denny sweeps across the flat and pointy bits of Central Scotland as it inevitably will (so we can blame more of our serial misfortunes on our American cousins and/or global warming and instant packet soup). It'll be on Gumtree any day now and of course the lucky buyer will not only collect  it they will also uplift this wonderful garden feature that will enhance any sweet and twee suburban garden or wild country croft. It is of course empty but you can have the pleasure of filling it yourself with whatever you like, it may stink of oil for a bit though. Buyer beware and so on.