A place to park those random thoughts, stolen images, hidden conversations and incoherent babble from beyond the wall of sleep. Odd bits of music and so-called worldly wisdom may creep in from time to time. Don't expect too much and you won't feel let down.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Hot rice v hot rats
A hazy view of the magic rice potion.
Salad and novels v stimulants.
Rice & retirement & rats: As the great
grey mist descends I make plans for the future, some are based around
a massive lottery win, some based around magnificent and well
deserved business success and some based around nothing in particular
other than acting on some kind of stupid impulse, sadly this one is
the most likely. What exactly springs to mind?
a) I did think that I should not retire
until the very day the Queen of England and whatever else is left
comes to a newly annexed and struggling Scotland to open the
completed Forth Crossing. Then as a last act of working defiance I'll
cross over and back and so end my illustrious career.
b) I could also work beyond that date
until I can comfortably afford to buy and run a 10 year old Maserati
Quattroporte for at least a year, in a romantic swan song gesture to
life in the fast lane, the middle lane, occasionally the slow lane
and some rough tracks with passing places.
c) I may decide that I should count down
in haircuts, a dozen maybe. I'll stick it out for dozen haircuts,
nine normal and three Turkish, all equally spaced apart, perhaps each
one in a different barbers based around a simple spread sheet and
rating system. Establishing what the timeline might be would perhaps
d) Another option would be to go just
whenever and take up the full and fulfilling career of a barista, a
word I've only just learned this week. I could be like Tom Cruise in
Cocktail, throwing hot steamy Starbucks milk from cup to cup, turning
the innocent cafe atmosphere into Hell itself with belching vapours
and hissing sliver pipes of fiery liquid that torture the crushed
beans into releasing their bitter flavour. Then calling customers by
made up and abusive names and coining great wads in tips revenue by
continually giving out the wrong change and overcharging for the
inedible biscuits and muffins. Nice.
e) Pig and chicken farming; whatever the
economic climate people will eat bacon and eggs and all the
variations that follow, that even includes quiche. All you need are a
decent pair of gloves and wellies and no sense of smell whatsoever.
f) There's also scope for a blindingly
good career in squirrel extermination, particularly in Fife, where
thanks to the efforts grumpy Queen Victoria and grumpy Andrew
Carnegie the grey squirrel pox has not passed from grey to red; but
it will one day. The only way to avoid a future catastrophe for the
reds is to mobilise and lead the people of Fife in a massive exercise
of ethnic cleansing against the dirty greys and so save the reds from
the poxy pox. I understand that the River Tay Beavers may also wish
to participate in the cull, of course there is a huge market for
squirrel meat and fur in London's fast food and fashion industry.
g) Last but not least, walk away, buy a
castle and pull up the drawbridge on creditors, bloggers, buskers and
Drawing a line under all that...
Heat is remarkable, I'm particularly
intrigued by the way it changes the state of things. Take for example
rice pudding, that so often misunderstood and these days unpopular
pudding. Cold it's the kind of thing you would only eat in a real
emergency such as a shipwreck, a long running nuclear winter or an
elongated Scottish power cut. So if it's nice and hot, if prepared
properly it can be a real treat. Anyway I was anxious to try a new
and revolutionary product that's been launched on the market, made up
and created by the good people of Carnation (a subsidiary and trading
name, proudly owned and operated by the giant food conglomerate
Nestle who are still using the cuckoo based Bird's Custard motif ),
Hot Rice Pudding Mix.
I did try to follow the simple
instructions but was immediately put off by some key, consumer
unfriendly words and phrases; whisk, oven gloves, 261 ml, caution may
be hot and allow to stand for 5 minutes, to name but a few. All in
all the rice manufacturing process takes about fifteen minutes and
due to the mess created took a further twenty minutes to clean up;
there is also the risk of an unplanned microwave explosives event
that they don't mention in the small print. I persevered and
eventuality got to the point where the unpleasant and gooey material
was close to being edible. It turned out that it wasn't that close
unfortunately, not hot, creamy or tasty or anything good. A lot of
heat and effort wasted in a gunky, crunchy mess that leaves a weird
aftertaste. Heat is remarkable and will remain so, Carnation Rice Mix
Rats: Nothing to do with anything or pesky squirrels.