Friday, March 31, 2017

Epiphany Failure

Here I am at the Dali Museum in St Petersburg, captured and distorted by various electronic devices and not really sure what I'm doing except that at one point, probably when staring closely into "the Persistence of Memory" I may have actually had and actual epiphany but I can't quite remember much about it (brushstrokes?).  I did eat steak and eggs on the way home and it rained pretty much all day but that was the summer of 2016.

Failure to have an epiphany: It seems I've managed to avoid any experience of clear, bright guiding light, probably for a number of months. One of those moments when, out of the blue or the golden glow, clarity of thought and a new understanding emerge. I thought I'd maybe hit one a few moments ago when I was trying to reduce the pixels size of a photograph, indeed I did do it but on reflection there was no great buzz of achievement nor satisfaction, I'd just followed some simple instructions. It was the same yesterday as I toasted cheese and anchovies for lunch, for a brief moment I thought I understood the complexity of the selector knob that operates the grill, it was a sham experience it turns out. Also when my phone touch screen froze and I was unable to operate it, I switched it off and on, sure enough it worked but I felt empty and cheated. There has to be more. But then what about the NHS? They've offered me a plumbing repair operation on May 4th (Star Wars Day!), surely this is an omen, a word from the Jedi Lords, a touch of divine mercy and comfort in troubled times, I'm going to be fine ... or just an accident of the calendar. So what about resetting all the clocks for British Summer, including the hard to fathom central heating system and the cooker. Nah! All it seems to be is emptiness and chasing the wind, to quote my one time mentor, the depressed and confused writer known as King Solomon.  

Some feelings are just way too abstract, way too tantalizingly special, they come along but then they let you down with a thump. That moment when you know  you meant to look up something on Wikipedia but can't remember what and then it never actually dawns on you. That decision you make to cancel fucking overpriced Sky subscription but only once Game of Thrones finally concludes, so it goes on. That YouTube clip you fancied watching that now you just can't find anywhere. The chord sequence you discovered that's good but the timing isn't right and it won't fit anywhere else and you write it down on a yellow sticky and lose it. That funny retort you had but failed to post on Facebook because it just might be misconstrued or might be the post that actually kills the whole stream of communication, nobody actually likes it or adds a comment. Not buying the reduced price chunk of salmon in the Tesco "out of date" section and then having fishcakes for tea. Getting a perfect hold on a tuggy bit of fur on the cat but not having pair of scissors handy. Forgetting all the smart-arse things you'd like to list in a blog post but...

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