Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Inside the vault of toilet rolls

Welcome to the secret world of a failed hoarder: There was a time when I had faith, trust even, in our local branch of Tesco. True it was always a badly laid out supermarket and, in the classic capitalistic way, actually offered too much product choice for it's actual internal store volume but I remained loyal, partly due to brain dead loyalty and partly due to convenience. Even when it semi-closed the deli bit and opened a Yo-Sushi counter, though I was confused I went along with the deception and slight betrayal (this is not an actual middle class, sushi burning area). Now I find than all it takes is the slightest world-wide pandemic of a deadly and incurable virus and they blatantly destroy any customer confidence by negligently running out of toilet rolls, cat litter and something else, the name of which escapes me at the moment. It probably wasn't sushi as I imagine the supply lines of raw fish movements between here and Japan are running pretty smoothly at the moment, what with lack of actual passengers and all that.

I had no option other than to go to bed and sleep quite soundly despite being in the company of an injured and highly drugged up cat prone to eccentric night time behavior. I woke up refreshed, free from infection and cat scratches and headed back to the bosom of civilization that might be Fife. Asda to be precise in the leafy but slightly radioactive suburb of Dalgety Bay. There I shopped and bought everything I required without guilt or intimidation and at reasonable, panic level prices. The locals were civil, jovial and generous, dogs refused to scowl or urinate on bollards, even  their shiny and undented cars were properly parked between neat white lines, indeed the music of Bob Dylan (60s version) was playing across the store as if to signify some peaceful and sensible regime had taken control of the entire retail environment. An immersive  Stepford Wives kind of shopping experience you might say. I felt smug as I drove home, as if I'd just awoken from a pleasant dream where crazy and unreasonable people were barred from shops and public spaces. I expect that the government will announce just such a measure this afternoon at their next propaganda rally, all being well.

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