Best BBC caption ever?

Staying with the media theme this has to be one of the best little labels given to anybody anywhere. I hope it's real.

Skintland

I haven't even read the article(s) but already I'm bristling in that about to be insulted way you sometimes get when some incomprehensible physical threat or piece of abuse looks to be headed your way. Of course I can't be bothered with the Nationalists nor can I stand the current Tory Coalition and to top that I've little or no respect for much of the spin and toadying that comes from the written and broadcast media sludge factory. It all sucks too much and the truth, if it's out there, somewhere beyond mindless rhetoric and twisted opinion is pretty hard to find. I'm not alone in feeling this I'm sure, it's the constant frustration of the "common man" and it can't quite be articulated without the use of some choice swear words none of which seem crude or dirty enough to describe the pathetic posturing and misrepresentation that represents so much of politics and power broking. The squeezed middle isn't just getting squeezed financially, it's an emotional, intellectual  and cultural rollering and bashing we're in for.

A clear voice, ringing with just a little vision and common sense and a smattering of balance would make a welcome change - so only a matter of time before some extreme lunatic and simplistic party fills the void I reckon otherwise it'll be riots and petrol bombs.  But be of good cheer for Wee Fat Eck has already launched a broadside in return and the slippery slope towards the referendum and it's consequences is now steeper and greasier than ever. Things are going to get pretty messy. As for me I'm finding some solace in humming the tune "with or without you", it's the only way I can even begin to try to understand our dysfunctional, conflicted, awkward but rightful place within the UK

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Alex Salmond: Economist will rue 'Skintland' jibe at Scotland

Clear and present danger

Numerous black cats - looking North.

Numerous black cats - looking South.

This is a pretty good site if you like old photos, almost makes you wish you'd been born in the fifties even if, like me you were born in the fifties. Perhaps that means it makes you wish you were adult in the fifties which maybe isn't so good because that would make you about seventy now. No, best not to think about that. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Doctor Laptop,



For over a year now my old HP laptop has been giving me dire warnings of critical hard disk failure every time I switch it on. I both acknowledge and ignore this worrying message by pressing the F1 key and thereby allow it to fully start up. Apart from occasional little "capacity" messages (way down there on the right) and a stubborn refusal by Norton's products to clear up the hard disk not much actually ever happens - certainly nothing bad. I have tried various back ups, re-squidding, post hoot vamp, fox busting, melanomic castrations and demi-hazardisation (all fresh out of the box) but none of these things make any difference or solve my problem. In desperation I switched it on and off repeatedly for an hour but I got pretty bored with that. So my question is how long can this go on for without there being any damage done to my precious data and is this all just a cunning plot by the dastardly world of the technocrats to get poor people to buy more of these Chinese built laptops?


Yours


A well wisher


P.S. Heaven forbid but I may well just carry on regardless and also ignore the upgrades.


P.P.S. I am also an occasional Mac and cheese user, which local bank and political party should I support?

Daily Highland Cow

On the road today I met this fine fellow.

Ebmaj7

It tuns out that recipes can be searched for on the Internet, there may well be other things there. It might never rain again now that I've painted the garden furniture. I was so impressed with the possibilities suggested by the Alabama Shakes that I immediately looked them up on Wikipedia, then I promptly dismissed them as yet another hype. Sweet and sour and chicken and mushrooms and pepper and onions and rice contains at least seven ands. First I was on the couch then the floor then the couch then the kitchen then upstairs then downstairs then I went to work. Listening to music the radio is an ok experience but you will hear a lot of rubbish before you hit some thing good. I thought about Humphrey Bogart films but I could only think of about four or so, so I stopped. There will be birthdays and parties and at times those two things come together and you get party birthdays. Today's newspaper was something of a disappointment, it also cost £1. I was kept busy trying to use my imagination, can you imagine that? Somebody sang that love is a “velvet noose”, they turned those words into a song, added a tune, wrote more lyrics, added instruments and recorded it, “fantastic” according to an expert but I wont ever bother buying it. I was just wondering what the hell is going on in Scotland and who could sort it all out. The word pretentious gets used from time to time, I hear it. The pursuit of perpetual motion systems remains popular, as Tesla said, “one day man will connect his apparatus to the very wheel work of the universe...and the very forces that motivate the planets in their orbits and cause them to rotate will rotate his own machinery.” The chords that you mix up are the ones that give you the best results i.e. Gm7, Cm7, Dm7, Edmaj7, F, G. Very satisfying.

Slightly peckish games

An actual Hunger Games wedding cake - not featured in the film.

Scoring a movie hat-trick this week, tonight it was Hunger Games at an actual living, breathing and coughing cinema. Probably the best of the three I've recently seen and one that proves that even with Dr Who level production values and a design concept looking like Tim Burton on a bad day you can make a watchable film that makes $s. Having dodged the book (along with many others) I'd no idea what to expect but quickly understood the numerous allegorical, feminist and social commentary points that have been made. They are all there clearly enough if you want to get bogged down it them, I don't, I like to be entertained and I was  and I did get a proper fright at one action packed moment as well, that's unusual.

A brief history of French cinema

John & Ali happy at the cinema and in our best clothes and new blue contacts.

After Thursday's great cinematic and ice cream (Baked Alaska no less) experience I followed it up yesterday with a view of Hugo (on DVD), a film I've been looking forward to seeing. Well it wasn't quite what I expected, I'd forgotten just how odd and self indulgent Martin Scorsese can be and how irritatingly American he can be in his interpretation and portrayal of things European. I was also distracted by the feeling that I was watching a lengthy Keystone Cops pantomime chase featuring a young Noel Fielding trying to get away from the comic French policeman from 'Allo Allo. It was that kind of abstracted and badly translated France he had created. Here and mostly there well placed cultural icons Salvador Dali and Django Reinhardt  turned up in the background; there to bring credibility over at the  edges of  a convoluted film that was really about George Melies and the birth and death of the special effect. So it really was all a big tribute piece with not quite enough Steampunk ingenuity for me - I should've checked the book first. I fell asleep twice but  I did so want to like Hugo, maybe I'll watch it again in a more receptive state of mind and my hard automaton heart will be all melted away.

Best Marigold Odeon

Today is a day off day, yesterday was a half day off day. We celebrated yesterday with the black pudding affair and various pieces of Fife based explorations - the ideas just don't stop. The recurring theme however was one of dreams, planning and living out the rest of (your) life as positively as possible. The long day ended with us making a rare visit to the cinema for a late night showing of the Best Marigold Hotel. With a cast of luvvies all acting like real people acting like actors it was an amusing diversion, it also confirmed a long held belief that despite the colour, noise and spectacle a visit to India isn't really necessary at the moment. The best bit was sitting there amongst the actual (smallish) cinema audience, not soul under 50, all looking a bit like the one or other of the characters in the film and crammed in a line in the non-Premier seating area, oldies always want to get good value for their cash. As the show ended and we all crippled and shuffled out, blinking into the midnight street lights it was like the film had, for a brief moment come to life. We giggled all the way back to the err...Volvo.

Stornoway Black Microdot (large)

"So it's like Easter nearly man you know and we like went out for the day to two or maybe three garden centres man to hang out with all those old hippies and folks who dig gardens and stuff and we really liked everything we saw man and hey we spent some money and got some cool stuff man and then when we got back home like we found we had two of these here far out Stornoway Black Puddings, way to shop man!"

Steal like an Artist

More about steal like an artist here

Snowy white hills sing away in the distance

Troubled weather map pours out across this central belt

Sun makes an occasional passing manoeuvre

Teases and reminds it’s supposed to be April

And I wonder and tense up at the thought of what the cold wind will feel like

As if I didn’t know

I know

I have a million words inside me, some picked out by pen or pencil,

Some spoken and carried away, some typed up or texted

Blogged and parked up in website oblivion

But

Most are stuck stubbornly inside my head like lazy pupils

Unaccustomed to work or study, happy to relax, feral children of mine

Hard to get at, to understand, they show no apparent desire to escape

So

I look out at those hills, far away with their coverings, dog walkers and ramblers

Keep my thoughts to myself, reluctantly, safe and personal

Maybe turn them into a shopping list:

Grated cheese

Mushrooms

Stornoway Black Pudding

Bacon

Soap

Cider or something

Morning rolls

Easter eggs for the bairns

On a yellow sticky, where that poem should be.

Back from Spring

South Bank, London, last weekend: A premonition.

Thankfully spring has been canceled for the time being, we've retired backwards to the more familiar conditions of Norwegian winter or something very similar to it. Time to break out the cheesecake, stir fry chicken and peppers and red wine. Comfort, coal fires, couches and the fine art of booking holidays elsewhere.

John Barrow-wheel

It's new, it's red, it's solid so it won't collapse under a half ton of slabs, chips or compost. The great garden tool that is the B&Q barrow has now been refurbished and revamped and is ready to go for summer. The old pneumatic tyre is flat and in the bin and this rigid sustainable model has been fully tested and installed.  Also ready for those back breaking, speedy and dangerous trips around the garden with the grand kids on board. That's really why I fixed it of course.

Return of the floating head

Nightcap - large White Russian.

New stadium at Stratford, a fun and strangely emotional experience as well as a family triumph, Emma passing Sally Gunnel and numerous other famous athletes as the race progressed.

The London Eye, scene of my most recent "floating head" encounter.

Just back from a full on weekend in the UK's alternative capital city. We camped out in the City with a capital C and a tough financial heart, drank fine wine and cocktails, marveled at the heavy weight stones and carvings, were squashed in packed tube stations, wandered in never ending malls and attended the opening and first ever event at the new Olympic Stadium. In contrast to what you often hear taxi drivers were friendly, waiting staff chatty, some prices were almost sensible and the weather was pretty chilly. London's OK. It is a real place after all.

People are stupid

The future of modern motoring.

I'm still bamboozled by the government's incompetence and by the general public's apparent stupidity and ability to form a spontaneous queue when not even necessary. It will only end one way and as usual prove the basic theory of supply and demand. Prices go up...etc. There is a deep underlying mystery? No, it's just being stupid.

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The Guardian's front page: As petrol pumps run dry the blame game begins http://yfrog.com/joxlyyj

Panic in the streets of Abercorn

This government's speciality is the release of the monumental lie coupled with the media smokescreen moment followed by a fiery attack of the socially dysfunctional dragon of "unfairness" (or worse, attempted cornball "fairness").  As we all amble down Gasoline's potentially empty alley one more time this blog post sums it all up quite nicely.

Meanwhile I'm out in the garden planting broccoli and lettuce so that when the great salad and vegetable shortage is announced in June we'll not only survive with a healthy diet but will make a handsome profit selling good wholesome greens to the poor souls without gardens, disposable incomes or who are too lazy to dig...that's just what the Francis Maude's and David Cameron's of the world would want us to do.

I've taken advantage of the warmish weather and  been out in the garden building a second trampoline and also dismantling the first one, it had been found wanting. The whole thing was a profound exercise in the art of swearing and cursing both internally and externally, I managed to shave some skin from my knuckles and thumbs for good measure and sweat just a bit more than usual. Thankfully my youngest son was around to assist and provide a stalwart support during operations as well as keeping me right by actually following the instructions. Of course now it's all over and we can relax; the old one's been recycled and turned into a Skoda and the new one sits, pristine, green and ready for the playful bouncing attack of generations to come while the summer BBQ smolders wistfully  in the distance, I won't be lighting it with any precious petrol either.

Bourbon Street

Just outside of somewhere else, across from the other place and adjacent to that other part of the neighbourhood; you know the one. Checking and verification is possible via Google, snuggle, peskyhusky.co. and various other unsolicited sources. Crunchy, best served with sweet China tea.

Enthusiastic but incapacitated

Canal bridge with added people.

One of those found items you find when out and about.

Barge headed under bridge.

Ali & our bikes on the towpath.

Today the sun shone for unfamiliar and frankly strangely long periods of time. This breach of conventional weather conventions allowed us to explore the lovely civic amenity tip at nearby Bo'ness. As non-residents in this grimly fiendish place we're not entitled to tip rubbish here but they kindly broke the rules once the car registration had been logged in Falkirk's Big Brother memory and signed up for possible crushing followed by the necessary extermination process. These green and unpleasant recycling boundaries are new to me, Alex Salmond of course will be getting a strongly worded text or possibly even a Saltire shaped cynical Tweet of some description - any day now.

Then it was to the garden centre for some back breaking gardening stuff, plants, compost and the like. We also visited a local farm shop where a Cairngorm beer and Strawberry cider sales pitch was underway, a fatal error was thereby made and various beers and ciders tested and duly purchased. Next it was Daffodil Tea Time at Abercorn Church, we behaved ourselves very well, bought the tea and the daffs and then moved on to...hit the nearby canal via bicycle, as you do.

The canal trip involved bikes, beer, wine and sunshine. I also discovered that the air-con in my car actually works (quite disconcerting), turns out it's been the hottest March day since February as well. An Easy Riding paradise along the canal banks unfolded and so we ended up here, where we relaxed in the sunny beer garden watching at least one canal boat and numerous colourfully dressed cyclists, yummy mums, social workers, Subarus, Game of Thrones extras and ner'do wells go by. The return journey passed a lot quicker than I expected and confirmed a travel theory of mine about going there and back again; it seldom is as far as you actually think. Then it was home sweet home and a little more of the dark dark bitter bitter Cairngorm beer and pork chops, mmm.

End of some kind of era

I've just sold my very old and very faithful Ford Cougar after four years and 80000 miles (total 138147), gone in 60 seconds via Gumtree on a very misty, moisty March evening. It just vanished into the mist as I clutched a warm mobile phone and a fat wad of Scottish notes. So I've got the cash and a Volvo S40  to run about with no proper complaints but I'll miss that big, clumsy, shockingly quick (and wet) pussycat.

In the afternoon I turned out to see how the mighty Pars would fair under the new Jim Jefferies management regime. Not an easy match against a stubborn and dirty St Mirren but we got the point, they got the needle. There's enough games left for a fix but it's going to be tight. Let's hope Jim really does hate Hibs enough.

Not rocket science

Out of use

In use

When I first saw this bike rack and before I ordered it on Amazon I read the customer reviews, I don't usually bother but with non-standard buys it's always worth a quick check. This one had a few four stars and one or two one stars, those are the fellas you read of course. They didn't hold back; "incomprehensible instructions, a box full of pieces, I couldn't work it out at all, poorly packaged and put together, not for the amateur, I put it straight in the bin." Well my experience was pretty much the opposite; easy to build up (two bolts), easy to follow instructions and fairly simple to use (cycle racks are never straightforward but they are not complex engineering problems beyond the capability of the common man). It's all good for boosting the self esteem, like answering more than one question correctly on University Challenge or getting close to a correct answer on QI or Pointless. Now I'm waiting for a sunny day and then going out and finding Scotland's flattest cycleway.

SQ: Great architectural blunders

A stones throw from some lovely 17th Century Scottish organic buildings and round the corner from the historic town centre we have this feckin' disaster. OK we need affordable housing but...

Adding a new depth of meaning to the word ugly, set between two world class  iconic bridge designs is this awful BT exchange, as putrid as a desiccated seagull, unloved even by the owners and badly situated and badly maintained. 

"You have been assessed for street repairs, £20 for every house and £50 for every hotel." In the USA this piece of pavement repair work would already be the subject of a few million dollar lawsuits. Nice  touch with the added Big Mac litter I thought.

Lest we forget, Tesco are here with their stupid talking recycling station and fly-away trolley docks.

Yesterday's thoughts about the missed opportunity on Rosyth's old Dollytown site made  look again at a few of the blunders hiding in plain site in merry olde South Queensferry. Now most of the village is nice, well maintained and fairly sympathetically put together but some howlers have been made (as above). I suppose I cant moan about Dollytown or any of these others really, they were done at a time when there was no proper funky, no real cool and no concept of any design other than modern concrete and cheap and nasty. They probably expected the Cold War to heat up and the Russians to destroy everything anyway so must have thought there was little point in making any effort, but today they live on...it could've been so much better. So what have we learned from the past? Lots but we can't afford to change it and just don't mention the short lived £6m+ Forth Bridge Toll Booth Project.