Starfield Simulation

I spent twelve hours driving north/south/north/south at times into various trance inducing starfield blizzards this weekend and as a result I'm happy but bombed out (and low on fuel). The journey will be remembered also for too much tea and the awkward act of urinating in the dark somewhere on the A90 in gale force Arctic conditions. You see visiting the lands of my dead and exiled impoverished fathers and taxi driving the electronically aware sprogs is always a heady mix of the dangerous and the delightful. In the end it was worth all the rain and locally produced steak mince, sausage and time spent labouring at a hot stove. The fishcake based aphrodisiac was a departure and especially delightful. But now it's a snowy Monday night and we'll be breaking out the wolf skins and shovels come the frosty morning should we decide to rejoin the ranks of our hungry and civilised co-workers. The weather forecaster pipes up that a gloomy but meaningless Amber Warning Situation is imminent and about to do a precision pattern of white carpet bombing in this area. All that and me without a stock of the basic soup building vegetables and emergency candles. I did have a sudden urge to rush out to the nearest Co-op and purchase all the bread and milk I could carry but WTF. I might just download another 20p book from Amazingzon and bury my head under the covers.

P.S. Game of Thrones and Mod Fam are back on next week, life may be getting better even while the weather worsens.

Road block unblocked

Well it was for a few days and, like the Elves and the Shoemaker story somebody came along whilst we either slept or worked or nodded our heads and fixed our troubled bit of roadway for us. Stealthily they reglued about 100yds of it and not a penny more. In our special quiet places we will rejoice up to a point, but as we do live in troubled and austere times we should just show a little more respect and deference to our Lords and Masters and be glad that we've got the scrapings of a road surface at all. Then, as usually happens the wind blew in from Africa and the rain did beat down upon it and it's back to square one point two five. A good place to be.

A true gem

Best I've ever seen: Got to love this Honda owner's inconsiderate parked up status in the Long Stay at Edinburgh Airport. In broad daylight too, it's a peach of a piece, traversing four bays in a truly careless fashion...or so it seems. Perhaps the guy on the right is the real culprit. Sometimes in life you just can't tell what's been going on at all. I'd blame the Monday snow.

Holiday Inn Express Yourself

Sleeping options provided by the Holiday Inn Sexpress.

 Not so-Easy Jet: The great orange airline has changed it's seating policy but nobody really knows that yet. As a result I'm sure that they can be sued under the blah blah Descriptions Act of 1314, Easy isn't the right word if it ever was. Since when was it easy to board a jet with randomly allocated seats that no sane person really wants and with all that dangerous ballooning hand baggage being ferried around in a frantic panic as the public sort themselves out? Twice this week I've seen organised chaos rule as those who "don't get it" merge with those who for reasons best known to themselves paid £3 extra so sit in an otherwise freely allocated  seat.

Ending with so

Unrelated apple sliced by UFO.

Home Improvement. Nothing of universal significance really happened today although I wasn't maintaining complete attention at all times, I may have missed a bit of detail or hot action. The chicken salad worked for me and on me but that's another story. Once there were two breakfast yogurts, then none, the flavours were modern and vague. In the background a radio played and it felt cold outside but I learned a lot about Scottish Islam Week, it's on this week all across Glasgow with a series of gritty events being run. I won't be bothering attending much this year as I am without the appropriate head gear or any meaningful religious values whatsoever.

I wore a jumper straight from the hot tumble dryer and noted that it took a short but fuzzy car journey to work to uncrease the creases. Ironing is so 20^th century I told myself. Later I visited the Post Office to collect two parcels. The journey was marked by the buzzing of an irritating VW Golf that seemed to latch itself onto my rear bumper. It's driver was a complete stranger.

Once there I managed to pass myself of as both myself and my wife and still got away with one electronic signature and a wink from the girl behind the counter. We've yet to open the mysterious packages and why oh why did they send me a text message to tell me a parcel was coming, then not deliver it but just leave a red and white card with scribbles on it? Then they sent me a text message to tell me they've left me a red and white card and I cannot reply to the no-reply text number they use. It happened twice (?). So that's why I have to drive 7.5 miles through road works and pot holes and traffic lights and back again to get to the Post Office pickup counter where I park badly in protest.

In general and without malice I blame the road-men and the dead weather for the general non-delivery of things and what I like to call their “happiness sabotage”. So I can't even be bothered to turn on the telly but if I did I now have a smart SKY connector to connect the stupid TV to the slow-witted wi-fi, if only I could get around to opening up the package. I think I may have left it in the boot. Tomorrow it's an airport tea for me and though you can't start a proper sentence with so you can end a badly constructed sentence with so.

The Viagra Monologues

Once so young and clever...

Summer: Another age related crisis looms, more desperate measures to emulate Dexy's, copy episodes of Cuckoo, chase the Salvidor Dali Lama  and generally behave badly. Some time soon we'll book a Yurt or two (with fairy lights) at this summers Wickerman Festival out there in the rolling hills and dales of rural Dumfries and Galloway. I may have to make some alterations to my dungarees; in order to accommodate the hot summer weather.

Winter: Today's weather started at -3 and stayed there for while. A lot of car slithering and fiddling about happened early in the day. It did make me wonder why my Swedish Volvo doesn't have a design feature that prevents snow from landing on the seats any time you open the door, even when you think you've cleared the bit around the door. Why?

Just another corner of the sky

That's the top left corner of it there.

Raggle Taggle Hippies

"Many young people turned to drugs and immoral lifestyles; these youth became known as hippies. They went without bathing, wore dirty, ragged, unconventional clothing, and deliberately broke all codes of politeness or manners. Rock music played an important part in the hippie movement and had great influence over the hippies. Many of the rock musicians they followed belonged to Eastern religious cults or practiced Satan worship."

Apparently this has been taken from the text of a Louisiana School history textbook that's currently in use along with other material all about man and dinosaurs coexisting, the unquestionable authority of the Bible and how the Klu Klux Klan are a force for good in the world. Fair enough then...of course it may all be part of a complex counter propaganda war waged by the major banks, Tesco, the Vatican  and many other reputable institutions.

Lots of frogs having sex

If you're a frog it's the breeding and tadpoling season apparently. Today I saw quite a lot of evidence of that in a damp but marvellous Edinburgh garden. Meanwhile back in Fife the wildlife also thrives, a whole family of sparrows have moved into one of our trees, blue tits are in a feeding frenzy on the kitchen window sill, the cheeky robin robs everybody and the wise but daft old squirrel watches over from the top of the SEPA approved oil tank.

Daily swan/flamingo photo

A swan or a mutant flamingo?

I was minding my own business, on my way to the local butcher shop  to cash in my ration coupons for a six pack of Lorne Sausage when I was apprehended by a passive but aggressive swan. It looked like a proper swan at the time but now I'm wondering if it simply was a rare white flamingo with stubby green legs waddling along on the grassy knoll. That's the thing about things around here in Limekilns, you see what you see but you never can really trust your own eyes because there are so many things going on below the surface.

Steampunks gather at the Black Anchor prior to attending  a Jules Verne lecture about cogs, wheels and the Earth's molten core.

Once in the butchers I purchased the usual scraggy ends and offal mixture for the gun dogs and a generous portion of tomato flavoured sausage for the wife's tea. The conversation then turned to exploring our historical past and the jolly butcher went to some length to show me a picture book containing Victorian Polaroids of our own fine house and the surrounding area.  I noted that it had been hidden under the counter for some time. "Another piece of the mystery  jigsaw" I thought as I departed. It seems that our safe haven appears  to have been recently occupied by a troop of Irish circus performers and Bolshevik potato pickers. I'm not so sure about any of that but the wheelchair does look a little familiar.

Low flying entanglements

Out in the woods the Snowdrop carpets nears the end of it's short season.

Just back from a few days in rainy Portsmouth, most of my travel time was spent reading the Kindle version of "The one hundred year old man... " an amusing and engaging Forrest Gump style  bargain at 20p from Amazulu and the Downloaded Witches.  I wonder what the film soundtrack would be like?

Long road home

The long road home is in fact quite a bit shorter at the moment. Here's how it looked earlier this evening.

Secrets in the stones #2: There should really be four of the old marker stones out here in the woods according to the old maps and drawings. So far I've only found one and the other three have avoided my capture, presumably by either hiding or not being there in the first place. I thought today I'd found number four, in it's proper mapped location down by the edge of the trees by the shore line. Unfortunately it was not to be, as I cleared the undergrowth I found it to be the right shape and size but made of concrete and unmarked. I've no idea what purpose this block ever served but it's clearly not a boundary marker. The search therefore goes on, meanwhile a great green carpet of fresh spring growth is waiting, ready to overwhelm and cover the tracks of just about everything.

Hat Tricks

                         Kevin Bridges

 ‏@kevinbridges86

"I pacifically asked for a double expresso!" there's a sentence that made my blood boil. Delivered in a right snide tone as well.

Expand

From time to time I just copy and paste odd things from Twitter or thereabouts.

March 02 2013 iTunes-UK Sale - $2.03 Download; Dickie Bird, Hidden Soul, Crow Wars.

March 01 2013 iTunes-Europe Sale - $6.46 Download;  Roughboys (Album)

Feb 28 2013 iTunes Match -Americas Sale - $0.01Stream; Do What Thou Wilt, Syrus' Song.

From time to time I just copy and paste our sales on iTunes, got a hat trick (?) this weekend.

Meanwhile Star Wars meets Game of Thrones....what's not to like?

Farm Access =>

Unrelated photo No99: The oily dance of hot garlic, thyme and olive oil - in preparation for last night's highly enjoyable get together and meal.

Farm Access => : A road sign pointing towards a  road end that leads to a farm. Why? Why do we need a proper road sign stating the painfully obvious? If you go a short distance up that road you'll come to farm that can be seen from the road you are currently on. What percentage of the travelling population will find this information useful?  It's just like the Far Side cartoon where everything is daubed with paint, "door", "window" and so on. The sign sums up everything that's wrong with farm access signs and prime contracting in roads management all across the western world.

Must be tea time

Take the Poundland Challenge

Bored with your dull life, the Papal erection, the Eastleigh Bi-Sexual Election, the Jimmy Britts and the Oscars? Then take the Poundland Challenge. It's easy, simply visit any branch of your local recession beating Poundland anywhere in the depressed Central Belt, bring a good Scottish blue fiver (the old Victorian white ones are sadly no longer legal tender) and see what disconnected, eclectic crap and/or useful items you can squander your hard earned cash on. Just don't get spotted browsing the gleaming rows of fancy goods by family, friends or colleagues (that's all part of the fun really). Yesterday I managed to bag:

Three Chinese spanners (various metric sizes).
300 ml of HP Brown Sauce in a squeezy cat sphincter bottle.
A pair of 2.5+ reading glasses in tasteful black frames.
Black pepper in a self styled, self operating ready use grinder (pepper is ungrounded).
500 ml of Queen's Diamond Jubilee Fairy Liquid with a picture of a kitten on the front.

All for £5. Who can beat that then?

DIY success of sorts

My new tiny rig and refitted guitar c/w Roland Cube. Bridge filed and lowered, nut lowered, action now a lot better. Still has an unwound G so tuning remains ropey but a big improvement.

It's back to quoting Frank Zappa; stupidity is surely the most common element in the universe. The whole Papal resignation and general atmosphere of decay and ongoing scandal that surrounds the Catholic Church makes me amazed that any sane person can believe in any of this farcical fairy tale and ritual. Bishops, priests, nuns and all the clergy...what a misguided bunch leading the poor, the needy and the worn out exactly nowhere. Religion must be the only human activity that actually demeans and reduces the worth and the value of the people it's supposed to free and when I meet the Pope's snoozing God at the suicidal end of my Martian trip I'll tell him so. As Bart Simpson said tonight in a well worn Simpson's repeat, "just go suck a Bible!"

End of the pink padlock

Just before wrestling with a large pair of bolt cutters, a pink padlock and a bike I wandered down to the shore to capture some magical light and end of day warmth as the sun sinks slowly into the Lothians. So having taken a photo and freed up a bicycle that was in terrible bondage I feel as if I've come close to almost achieving something today. I think that's a little more than can be said for the Pope, Nick Clegg and David Bowie. I wish a happy retirement to each them and to God; please just carry on sleeping, perhaps it's all just your bad dream.

A brace of bikes and unrelated cat matters

Bikes: Collected another two kids bicycles tonight courtesy of the good people at Gumtree and a willing cash machine. Other than a flat tyre and a locked padlock without a key they seem to be perfectly serviceable. My hope is that one day, if the weather ever picks up into a Springlike Spring or Summery Summer they'll be put to good blood pumping use out on the highways, byways and picturesque local pothole sites.

Cat in a locked room mystery: It turns out that if you inadvertently lock a cat in a room it will try (unsuccessfully) to claw and dig it's way out of said room. I have since discovered that this can also have an adverse effect on the carpet and floor coverings resulting in some battle damage. Once released from the cruel twelve hour prison the cat of course acts as if nothing whatsoever had happened.

Arrows mark the spot

Found in the woods out back; a substantial stone marker that shows the old Admiralty boundary at the edges of our garden. For some kind of clarity the arrows point south and west to illustrate the lines of ownership, where you can be and where you can't. All very relevant till the rights-of-way legislation was brought in. It's been there for over 100 years and was covered in ivy and growth, I gave it a quick trim and clean up and invigorating scrape with a Swiss Army knife. I felt it deserved that at least, after being lost, buried and ignored for so long. By the look of it it'll last another 100 years easily enough, I'll let it slowly be smothered once again by the undergrowth, like a character in a Japanese Manga cartoon, absorbed and spirited away by the great green, slow moving carpet that, if left unchecked would cover everything. That's a nice thought. Now to locate numbers 1 and 3 and so on.

The world...

...according to those under three years of age, with a little added parental help just to complete the works.

Here's a crab based collage with natural materials, all possibly presented upside down. Banksy eat out your non-revolutionary, money grabbing, over exposed and now cliched heart out. Art is a tough master and a strict mistress and it's never really about artwork and abstraction is about working out abstract and absurd values and finally the end user/customer stumping up. The rest get ignored.

Rust never sleeps

Hot Curry

Made a pleasantly hot curry this evening. My nose may well be this red. The wine is/was. All for charity or something.

L913 PSR

Still life with hats and peep hole.

I spent a large part of today searching for and reading Kevin Ayers' obituaries and catch up articles. Not just another dumb rock n' roll passing but an affecting and engaging one for some reason. Somewhere in those 68 years there must have been a great album made with a clutch of brilliant songs...I just can't quite get to it right now. Kevin lived his life in a mixed up haze of wine, women, heroin and scuba diving whilst residing in exotic and attractive places next to convents and vineyards. Occasionally an album would emerge from the muddled musical haze, OK not quite the lifestyle and model I'm following but...

Wheeler Dealers still obsesses me - from time to time. Tonight's repeat was an F plate BMW325 Tourer getting the once over, the E30 model of course. A marvelous machine. It brought back fond memories of my own, the mythical L913 PSR, black 318 Lux. Long gone and part of a ten year plan that lasted about 18 months. It totally sucked in the snow, the back seat was too small but it loved the Scottish corners and the high speed straights of the Autobahn.

Complex natural structures abound

Above Photos: Nature is great. It does odd, quirky marvellous things, makes complex structures, there right under your nose or perhaps as in this case right up against an old garden wall. Here they are in colour and B&W.

Politics of Ecstasy: If you despair over UK and European politics. neo-liberalism etc. and feel we're going in ever decreasing circles then this is worth a read. Trouble is a South American model like this is unlikely to get much traction here within the conflicting waves of nationalism, right-wing nonsense and the failed  new liberal/labour reinventions with all their dull non-personalities.

Joy of a Toy: Meanwhile I learned today that Kevin Ayers has gone and passed away...ok he was hardly world famous or too young to die but he was, briefly (or maybe for a bit longer) an influential figure. In a low key, lo-fi,  obscure, shuffling, easy kind of way. Quite good and almost brilliant but not really commercial. Glad I'm avoiding the Brits tonight, the other end of the spectrum.

Heaven's Gate

Enjoying whatever the opposite of an Indian Summer at the wrong end of the year might be. Calm and balmy, misty and mysterious and filled with deconstructed pizza and rich red wine at the end of the working day. A possible sair heid in the morning beckons. That and tomorrow morning's Chili Bambi sausages, reasonably priced, hot and sourced from a reputable local supplier.

Bare bones and stones

The remains of the old pier, cannibalised and carried away to other places for constructions and creations. Now only the bare bones remain catching the creeping grass,  crawling green seaweed and the odd pieces of tidal debris.

Tesco emails

Food Concerns OUR RESPONSIBILITY AND OUR PROMISE. Dear Mr Barclay, Nothing is more important to Tesco than the trust our customers place in us. And that trust depends on the quality of the products we sell. Since we became aware that a small number of Tesco processed meat products have been contaminated with horsemeat, we have been working flat out to get to the bottom of the issue. While tests continue, today I want to make a clear promise  to customers and to tell you about the rigorous processes  we have put in place to prevent this situation happening again. Here's my promise: we will set a new benchmark for the testing  of products, to give you confidence that if it isn't on the label,  it isn't in the product. And that will be backed up by an industry-leading  commitment to enable you to find out much more about what's in the  food we sell and how it's produced. Let me tell you some of the things we are doing immediately: I have asked my team to review our approach to the supply chain,  to ensure we have visibility and transparency, and to come back  with a plan to build a world class traceability and DNA testing system We are building a new website, which will enable our customers  to see the progress we are making with our testing programme,  and which products have been tested so you can be sure of where  we are in the process We pledge that over the weeks and months ahead, we will open up  our supply chain, and give you more information than any retailer  has before to enable you to make informed choices about the food  you buy for your family. And I am determined that no customer will lose out as a result of the  testing process we are going through, so from Saturday 16 February  if a product is tested and then withdrawn from sale, we will provide you  with a better alternative for the same cost. You can find more details at  your local store. This is just the beginning: I am clear that, as the UK's leading food retailer,  it is Tesco's responsibility to lead on this issue. Our priority right now is to  complete our testing programme as quickly and thoroughly as possible, because  people need to have confidence in all Tesco products. In addition, we are  looking in great detail at every aspect of how products are sold in Tesco and  at how our relationships with our suppliers become more transparent and collaborative. Where changes are needed, we'll make sure they are made. And let me be clear   that this doesn't mean more expensive food - it just means doing things the right  way, and accepting nothing less than the highest possible standards in the supply chain. My absolute focus is on giving our customers complete confidence that every single  product on sale in Tesco is of the highest quality and contains exactly what it says  on the pack. It's what you expect of us, and it's what we demand of ourselves. Yours sincerely, Philip Clarke Chief Executive Dear Tesco, You're a bit too late with this, I'm now getting meat and vegetables  from my local farm shop, a little bit more expensive but better quality  and (in one word) trustworthy. Please don't preach to me  about how you're doing the right thing now. You, and the rest of  the supermarkets and suppliers should've been doing that a  long time ago. Best regards and fuck off. JB

Fraser

Farewell Fraser Drummond. Today was all about you and I feel very proud to have known you. That's it.

Anxious cupboard

Therapy: One of our cupboards is suffering from occasional anxiety attacks. It's really not pleasant to see or be close up to. "The path to a clear and stable head and a bright future begins here." Every day I repeat this to the cupboard, I light candles, strum moody minor chords and read uplifting books aloud. I'm sure it will all make a difference one fine day.

Tiger Balm: Yes that's me in the corner, back on Tiger Balm. I have a sore finger, perhaps age induced wear and tear arthritis, perhaps a bad case of Shredder's Finger, perhaps it's all imagined. Anyway the recommended treatment is lashings of room temperature Tiger Balm applied to the troubled area. Does it work? Not sure but it seems like the cats are both finding the exotic odour emanating from my middle digit area quite attractive. My main concern is; will I ever boogie up and down the silver fretboard of  the Great Gretsch White Falcon ever again? Only Tiger Balm knows the answer.

Twitter: In the dead of night last night as the world either slept or was skelped by Soviet meteorites my Twitter account was hacked and burgled by Wikileaks, Anonymous or some other less notorious data burglar or deep seeker of the truth. Not sure why anybody would want to get into my lowly and dull Twitter trousers, unless they are a "Bagger". Yes, somebody who goes somewhere just to say they've been there. Sad really.

Warmly Positive

Pagan Picture of the day: A hairy head of fiery fire as the Warm Witch comes along, rises through the murky sunlit tide and clutches the cold shore, pulling herself inboard into a naked winter wind coastal black out.

February brings the chill: One of those days when every part of the elements seem against us, snow and sleet and flooded roads and ice and really all rather wintery and unpleasant. Shovelling slush is not much fun, it's just ugly snow that's morphed into a dead alien frozen jelly. I should stay away from the keyboard on days like this, unable to find a warmly positive position until I'm home.

Economics: Funny but no matter how much I spend in Tesco (and I spend less than than I did before and will spend even less now that the great Donkey and Equine food scandal is playing out) I always get £5.50 in bonus ball vouchers.

Boys from the Black Stuff: The pot-hole fairy has visited our fine two mile single track Z Class road and deposited deposits of solid road repairing matter into the numerous holes and chasms that opened up in the last few weeks. These spring wrecking, coil bursting, car crashing pits are gone no more to bother and damage us...and will last at least until the next great flood, due this Friday.

Not quite sure...

...what this might mean but I think it means something.

Through the cat flap

Affected by the damp, damaged by stray H2O, then removed with a screwdriver (+head type), open to the elements, available for any dumb stray cat to abuse, ready for a newly enhanced silicone sealed and resilient alternative i.e. the same old model gunged up and waterproofed with fresh white gunk from B&Q. It still leads to the same old garden however.

Sweets

Sweets procured and gifted from the rare and spectacular world of Harry Potter, this is the kind of tasty, sugary thing you get when you exit via the gift shop. Please note that this post is in fact a week late and overdue. I apologise most sincerely to my numerous avid and disparate readers scattered as you are across space, time and the Lothians.