Friday, April 03, 2020

Neon Beard

A portrait of the artist as a shriveled up prune of a person but with a useful atomic beard that lights up at night to enable easy bedtime reading whilst warding off burglars and the like.

Over the winter I aged terribly, I never was much good at aging but now it's all come home to roost, like a rooster. A drooping rooster with an atomic booster, what a strap line. I have a fearsome beard now. Everywhere I go I release spontaneous electric forces that flash and buzz all around me. People run from my visibly sparky mutant state, quite understandably. Electronic devices short out in my presence and in my jacket pockets, car electrical systems die and occasionally planes fall out of the sky. I'm not too happy about that part, all rather awkward and disastrous. I just hope the authorities don't track me down. Luckily for me at this time they're busy quelling civil unrest such as single person picnics, flagrant dog exercising, over zealous walking and cheeky cyclists operating in pairs and swiveling in a precarious fashion near to innocent social workers taking their lunch break on the Yorkshire Dales. 

The truth is that over winter I transmogrified into a wizard with only one small z. I wanted to be a two z wizzard but the spell checker (which checks all your magic spells not your spelling, the Illuminati have lied to you about it's actual use all along) prevented this from happening. In due course I will wreak a terrible revenge on humanity but that's another story and I'll wait until things get back to normal so there's a convenient gap in the media to cover it all very sensibly and in a balanced BBC kind of fashion. 

By that time newspapers as we knew them will have died, replaced with scary graphic novels and advertisment heavy click-bait apps that tell you nothing other than what's going cheap at As a result of that we'll all be a lot cheerier but uninformed as we're freed from the deluge of corporate junk and propaganda they generate and spout. In this unfamiliar new chrome and tumbleweed landscape my fictional story can finally be told. Happy Days!

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