Monday, May 23, 2011

Official: God hates us all

Blanche Caldwell Barrow - a song dedication perhaps.

In the pre-volcanic and post-rapture fall out one thing is still clear and that's the flat 7Up at the back of the fridge. Anyway many good and upright religious people are perplexed by the weekend's events or lack of them. Of course it may well be a simple delay brought about by God wishing to "test the faith" of believers. That's the trouble with God, you never quite know what he's thinking or quite what he's planning. It's all big picture stuff with him and very confusing for the faithfull, the earthbound, the gullible and the media types.

So it was reassuring tonight when, possibly as an answer to all the rapture hoo-hah and disappointment God decided to blow across Scotland with a mighty wind and so surprised all Fifers and Edinburgh based commuters with the complete closure of the Forth and Tay Bridges. An act and demonstration worthy of any huge and self respecting God in my opinion - the cosmos is at his command so he knocks over a few trees in West Lothian. That'll sort out those complacent bastards in the Church of Scotland on their way home from the General Assembly tea party.

In the apocalyptic road chaos that followed I had to make a detour across to the badlands of Grangemouth in a terror stricken effort to cross the frothing and hostile waters of the River Forth. By the time I got to Skinflats my extra strong mint was sucked as smooth as the Papal Ring itself and my knuckles were as white as the bleached lambs of Inverbervie. The roads were of course festooned with pieces of trees, leaves, B&Q buckets, MacDonalds cartons and various abandoned curtain sided vehicles. When I eventually got home the cats were asleep but the kids slide in the garden was upside down and the lounge was covered in storm driven soot. Thanks for the reminder dear God that you are Lord of all things (world's ends included) and that you delight in providing minor moments of inconvenience to err...test us?

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